Quora: Is it the narcissists fault that they are empty vessels?

Is it the narcissists fault that they are empty vessels? Did they choose not to develope any talents, abilities, dreams or ambitions? Did they make the decision to not nurtures their emapthic abilities? Why didnt they develope an identity?

It isn’t their fault, any more than an infant is to blame for being born with a birth defect. Some narcissists may  be born with deficiencies in their brain that do not allow them to develop normally. Some narcissists are created through childhood abuse and trauma. No, it’s not their fault. Any feeling human with a scrap of empathy can look at the blighted life of the narcissist and not help but feel pity.

However, no one is under any obligation to give their time, energy, and resources to a toxic, destructive person. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter so much why the person behaves in a toxic destructive fashion towards those closest to them. What matters is that others do not deserve to be treated badly due to that absence of empathy and authentic humanity.

It isn't their fault they were born that way. But it isn't your fault either! And you do not need to take responsibility for other people's problems!  Do not let your own empathy, pity, and human kindness lead you toward sacrificing your health and well-being for a narcissist. It doesn’t help, heal, or save the NPD and such pity without discernment may end your life[1]

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Footnotes

[1] 

 

Manifestations of Idiot Compassion

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Idiot Compassion

 https://enlightenmentward.wordpress.com/2010/04/28/manifestations-of-idiot-compassion/

Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that you want to do good to somebody. At this point, good is purely related with pleasure. Idiot compassion also stems from not have enough courage to say no.--Chogyam Trungpa

It is interesting that he used the phrase “do good to somebody.” rather than “for somebody”. And Trungpa Rinpoche certainly knew enough about semantics not to have stated it that way by accident. Doing something “to somebody” implies an outside force or an infliction and imposition upon them rather than an alleviation of their situation.

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In other words: Idiot Compassion is a violation of TWO of the 4 Agreements--don't take anything personally & don't make assumptions. When you practice Idiot Compassion, you are personalizing another person's struggle and you are putting yourself so much into their shoes that you are solving their problem as if it was your problem--"here's what I'd do in that situation, so I will impose my solution on a person who isn't me and hasn't asked me to solve their problems, save them, or insert myself into their situation in any way, form, or fashion." I took it personally and assumed they wanted or needed my help.

In hindsight, such behavior viewed in this context is extremely distasteful. And yet, my inner "Ms. Fix-it" constantly hovers in my mind, wanting to make things personal and fix them as if they were my problem to solve. ugh