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If you are just out of a bad relationship, give yourself time to heal. Don’t jump back into the dating pool right away. Read some books on NPD. Work with a counselor, clergy person, self-help group, or psychologist to identify your own issues and build your own self-esteem and assertiveness skills. Where I live, there is a great resource in the Human Potential Center[1] There are classes you can take with them to build your boundary-setting abilities, identify your own wants and needs in a relationship, and become a better communicator and self-advocate.
When you’re ready to get out and meet new people again, practice saying “no.” Do not explain or make excuses or tell a long story to excuse your boundary. Don’t offer a compromise or an apology Just simply say no. Choose a low-stakes issue early in the relationship.
New person: Hey, let’s get together Friday for coffee.
You: No, thank you.
And then observe the reaction of the new person. Observe closely, and trust your first impression of their reaction. A NPD may get irate at being denied but quickly try and cover up their initial fury. WATCH CAREFULLY and TRUST YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION.
Another good idea for starting a new relationship: watch for disclosures that seem to be TMI too soon. The first time you meet someone is not the time for talking about intimate health problems, your evil ex what done you wrong, childhood abuse, or any other traumatic past experiences. First meetings are ‘get to know you’—what do you do for a living, what do you do for fun, where did you go to school, how long have you lived in this town, what kinds of food and drinks do you like. Many of us long for deep and personal connections where we ‘skip the small talk’ but the ability to wait and get to know someone before launching into deep subjects and disclosing personal details is a crucial signal that a person is in good working order and knows how to behave and speak appropriately in a given situation. Believe me, you do NOT want to be involved with a man or woman who likes to tell their ‘bleeding from their wherever’ story to every single person they meet, at top volume, in public. You want to know that a person has a good sense of appropriateness and when/where to disclose personal details.
Watch how the new person treats service personnel—is s/he rude and dismissive to the waiter? Does s/he seem too eager to call management when a bank teller seems confused by their request? Does s/he say mean things about the bartender’s appearance after the drink has been served and the bartender walks away? These are signs that the person you’re with isn’t a very nice person, and doesn’t recognize others as being human beings with feelings that matter. You don’t want to spend time around anyone who treats other people as disposable trash, because eventually a person who treats a service professional that way will treat YOU that way.
And, it bears repeating: TRUST YOUR GUT. Human beings have survived and thrived for thousands of years by having good instincts about predators and dangerous situations. You have generations of ancestors who survived long enough to make a next generation by trusting those instincts. Don’t second-guess yourself and DON’T offer 2nd, 3rd, dozenth chances to a person who has shown you that they are dangerous and untrustworthy, no matter how many ‘good reasons’ they may show for behaving badly, no matter how much they cry, beg, and apologize (AND THEN DO IT AGAIN!!)
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
~Maya Angelou
Footnotes
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They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.
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