evile

What are some techniques used to help me keep my emotions under control and to NOT react to a narcissist when he / is provoking a reaction, when he has already admitted to doing these things solely for my reaction?

Congratulations, it sounds like you are breaking free from an unhealthy relationship. You have become aware of yourself and your unwanted responses to a narcissist’s ‘button pushing’ behavior.

Great first step! Now, do your best to always keep this awareness at the top of your mind, no matter what he is doing or saying.

Then, do whatever you can to get this person out of your life ASAP. If you can’t get them out of your life, minimize contact and exposure to this person. Easier said than done, especially if this is a business associate or a relative you have no ability to remove from your life. Minimize contact. Only speak about necessary matters and only deal in facts:

“Hello, coworker, do you have the documents our boss asked for? Thank you. Have a great day!”

“Hello, ex husband, we agreed to meet at the kids school at X day and Y time as our drop off for visitation weekend, see you there. Thanks!”

“Hello, mother in law, here is the potato salad I agreed to bring to our picnic today,”

etc. We’re not going off into emotions or he-said she-said land, we aren’t going to talk about how this or that ‘made you feel’..we are dealing in facts and current events only!

Next, pre-plan some ‘scripts’ that you may need to use when dealing with them.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but my understanding is that we agreed to——”

“I’m sorry you’re having a bad time, but that is not my responsibility,”

“I’m going to have to ask you to stop yelling at me now”

“No, coworker, I’m not interested in hearing the latest gossip about our boss, I have a lot of work to do. Have a great day!”

“If you keep behaving that way, I am going to have to step away for a few minutes,”

“If you keep doing that, I am going to leave,”

Practice these in your head, and practice saying them over and over again. Speak as calmly and plainly as you can.

You may want to count to 5 inside your head or take a deep breath before you respond.

And then FOLLOW THROUGH.

If you have stated a boundary such as “If you continue to scream at me, I am going to leave,” then you HAVE to actually leave. And put them in a ‘time out’ where you don’t respond to texts, phone calls, comments on your social media, etc. until you are ready with a calm response that does not escalate or make the situation worse.

You are going to have to exercise a lot of self-mastery here. You are going to have to force yourself to remain calm, polite, civil, and centered. You are going to have to calmly deliver boundaries and consequences in a consistent fashion. If you say you’re going to leave, then do it. If you say you’re not going to talk to them any more about ‘topic X’ then you have to shut them down every time they bring up ‘topic X’ —calmly, consistently, every time.

If it helps, you may end up thinking of this person as a cranky toddler that is constantly refusing to nap, constantly trying to get into the cookies, etc. and you are just going to have to be ‘The Adult’ in the situation, stay calm, and redirect to the behavior that you will accept and allow, while ignoring or shutting down bad behavior, and never sinking to the screaming, crying, tantrum level of the toddler who is trying your patience and testing your boundaries repeatedly.

Good luck! You have the self awareness you need to make this work.

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