evile | Apr. 23rd, 2021

Apr. 23rd, 2021

Borderline and Narcissist personality disorders are two different diseases[1] . They may share some characteristics but they’re not the same. That being said, some people may have both, in the same way as a person may suffer from both asthma and diabetes (comorbid conditions). Borderline Personality Disorder was once viewed as a mental condition that was on the ‘border’ between a treatable neurosis and schizophrenia. Since then, with additional study, BPD has been classified as a mental health diagnosis in its own right.

These are 9 common traits of Borderline Personality Disorder:

Fear of abandonment.
Unstable relationships.
Unclear or shifting self-image.
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.
Self-harm.
Extreme emotional swings.
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Explosive anger.
Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality

Compare and contrast with the 9 common traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Grandiosity
Excessive need for admiration
Superficial and exploitative relationships
Lack of empathy
Identity disturbance
Difficulty with attachment and dependency
Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom
Vulnerability to life transitions
Narcissistic personality disorder is also a significant risk factor for suicide attempts/self harm.

From the outside looking in, it would be hard to tell if a person was behaving in a certain way because they were a narcissist or a borderline. And, honestly, this ‘analysis paralysis’ can become a way of life for their victims—a manifestation of a Trauma Bond[2], a way of staying hooked in to the drama and chaos of the disordered person. At some point, the victim, friend, or family member of the disordered person needs to recognize that, whatever the reasons for the behavior, they don’t deserve to be treated that way and they don’t need to tolerate toxic behavior.

From the list of traits, we can see that similar things threaten both the Narcissist and the Borderline: loss of attention from others, loss of their public reputation/facade, and normal life transitions (especially aging, but also things like divorce, loss of a job or position—if they derived their identity and sense of special importance from being an employee at a well known place of business, or a volunteer for a respected church, social organization, or charity, etc.)

The collapse you refer to could come from losing a target/victim when that person finally gets out of the ‘analysis paralysis,’ it could come from loss of a job, being exposed within their community as a fake or a fraud, other legal or moral consequences of their behavior that are made public, or the breakdown of physical health and beauty that comes with self-indulgent habits. BPD and NPD are known to self soothe and seek excitement through unhealthy behavior, which can include over-indulging in use of drugs, alcohol, food, and sex. These excesses can lead to poor health, obesity, and diseases which make them less appealing and make it harder to obtain the attention and affection they crave from others.

The final collapse comes, in my opinion, when their bodies and minds are finally too broken down from all of their self-indulgent and self-destructive behavior for them to attract any further supply. Family members become exhausted from caring for them, rescuing them, bailing them out, and many will either move away or simply ignore the narcissist/borderline’s increasingly bizarre behavior. It’s ironic and sad that at the time in life when an older person really does need extra care, they have exhausted all their sources and no one they know can or will provide that care. They may attempt and succeed at suicide during such a collapse, or they may end up in a publicly funded care facility with no one who cares about them.

There’s a song by Nick Cave “Do you love me, part 2[3] ” that I feel sums up the bleak and empty feelings at the end of the narcissist or borderline’s existence. The lyrics hint of an abuse in childhood that may have traumatized the song’s narrator into becoming the empty BPD/Borderline monster. For me, it really encapuslates the whole thing.

You can be free of the NPD/BPD by choosing to live your own life and not bothering to watch the predictable and really very sad end of theirs. Some may call it Karma; that’s not my spiritual path or culture so I really couldn’t say, but it does seem that their lives end in them being in as much pain as they’ve inflicted on others.

Footnotes

[1]

Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Differences

[2]

Trauma bonding: Definition, examples, signs, and recovery

[3]

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Do You Love Me? Pt. 2 Lyrics | SongMeanings

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How come narcissists, after reaching rock bottom, don't realize that something needs to change?

Narcissists DO NOT (CAN NOT) change! It is part of their pathology. They have absolutely ZERO self awareness, and ZERO concept of cause and effect.

Good things that happen to them are perceived as happening because they are deserved, because the Narcissist believes that he or she ‘worked hard’ ‘deserved good things’ ‘has special powers’ ‘has a special relationship with God’ or “IS God” or a ‘priest/priestess of God’

Bad things that happen to a narcissist are perceived by the narcissist as happening because ‘people are mean’, ‘they are out to get me’, ‘they are jealous’ ‘black magic is being used against me’ or some other preposterous nonsense.

Nothing negative that happens to the narcissist will EVER make him or her change their ways, issue a heartfelt apology, improve their behavior, or realize that the stuff that happens to them is their own fault, the people who abandon them do so because the narcissist has treated them like crap, etc. They just can’t do it. It’s part of their sickness. Rock bottom is not a place the narcissist will recognize or do anything about, other than cry and complain to their next ‘rescuer’ that someone was mean to them and ‘made’ them fail. They just don’t understand the bad things that happen to them are consequences for their own crappy behavior. It’s not possible.

THE. NARCISSIST. IS. NOT. CAPABLE. OF. CHANGE.

Read that as many times as it takes to internalize the simple, sad, frustrating fact.

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How does one motivate a narcissist who’s gone silent to come get his belongings he left behind?

This is a game to keep you hooked in and to make them feel as though they are still the one in control. The narc is leaving those items there to 'mark territory'. He wants you to remember him and think about him and miss him. He may be saving those items for some future date, where he can 'hoover' you back in to his drama by asking you about his stuff.

If you feel kind, send a certified mail stating that the items need to be picked up by X date or they will be donated to charity.

Then, on X date, if the narcissist has not picked up their items, donate the items to charity as stated.

The end.

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Yep. My brother started dating the woman who is now his wife and I sensed something ‘off’ about her from day one. Unfortunately, we were all college-aged and I did not know anything about personality disorders or the mind-control and brainwashing tactics used by abusers. So, I didn’t have the vocabulary or the experience to identify what exactly was wrong, but I did know.

What I wrote in my diary at the time about the first time I met her was that she told me a bunch of (in hindsight) inappropriate “TMI” stuff about herself—she mentioned liking to give ‘kinky back rubs’ (whatever that may be— I mean, who tells people personal intimate things about themselves the first time they meet them?? narcissist crazy people, that’s who!) and that she seemed “Helpless” and concluded my observations with “She's nice enough, and she likes me, but...well. Anyway…” [unspoken/unwritten: she likes me, but I don’t like her, and I don’t have any specific reasons for not liking her, and I don’t want to be a mean person by saying I don’t like her ‘out loud’.]

Which, in hindsight, suggests to me that I knew something was ‘off’ about her but had no idea how to articulate it. Like, I don’t want to be friends with this girl but I can’t really say why she rubs me the wrong way. (kinky back rubs….ew)

I also remember her asking me a ton of questions about my brother—like, family history questions, what was he like as a child, etc. Hindsight again suggests to me that she was assembling a ‘dossier’ and determining his faults, flaws, and weaknesses, rather than ‘aw, isn’t this cute, she wants to know if he had a teddy bear or sucked his thumb when he was little,’—there was definitely a cold and calculated ‘fact finding’ aspect to her questions rather than any kind of affectionate curiosity.

The very next time we hung out (I believe, if memory and journal are correct), the NPD eventually to be my SIL wanted to go do something-or-another down the road in my parents’ home town. My brother asked our parents if he and his new hunny could stay with them overnight while they were in town doing whatever-it-was. Because of my brother’s history of disrespecting house rules growing up (sneaking out to visit girls, using phone after ‘phone hours’, etc.) the parents said ‘no’…so then sneaky Narc-girl came up with the brilliant idea of inviting me to come with them to whatever-it-was event, and using me to obtain an overnight stay at the parents’.

I didn’t know the parents had already told bro and his squeeze ‘no’ so I didn’t realize I was being used in this way, until we showed up at the parents’ house and I expected to be able to stay the night, and the parents said they’d already told brother and Crazy “NO.” …. now, don’t get me wrong, Brother was a sneaky-ass who had disrespected parents’ boundaries and house rules in the past. But he wasn’t manipulative like this, trying to use other people to get around house rules or boundaries. So, I will go ahead and in hindsight, recognize her influence and see her hand in this particular situation.

Her ‘unique’ approach is to rules-lawyer things, and try to get around the rules or bend things to suit herself even though she apparently understood the rules’ intent. She’s done this in many situations over the years, as part of the narcissist’s dysfunction in believing that they are special and unique and rules should not apply to them. But that was the first time I was caught in the crossfire or used as a pawn in the situation.

She also started the ‘shit tests’ pretty early in the relationship. We’d have plans to go do something together and she’d start a fight or create a situation where he would have to choose between soothing & taking care of her and going to do whatever we had planned to do. And, of course, if he chose anything other than pleasing her, he would be treated to hours of screaming, crying, being thrown out of the house, her calling our parents to badmouth him, etc. It was really nuts. At her bachelorette party, she actually said the following: “Being with him has alienated me from my family, so I am going to alienate him from his,”

Unfortunately, as I said, I was young and dumb and didn’t really understand the mental illness at play here. It took me way too long, and way too many bad times and awkward situations, to finally figure it out and go no-contact with her (and, unfortunately, my brother too).

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