evile

It always touches my heart, and breaks my heart, when I see questions like this. It’s like…someone you know and care about is behaving badly and you are reaching for something, anything to let them off the hook. You are trying so hard to find an excuse and an explanation for behavior that is atrocious, so that you won’t be the ‘bad guy,’ the person who holds them accountable for their behavior, the one who offers consequences for mistreatment, the one who walks away from a person or a situation that is causing you pain or is really intolerable.

My heart goes out to you, truly. And I’m not trying to be dismissive of your problem, your situation, or your genuine feelings of love, affection, caring, and concern for the person in question…but I am advising you to let that person go out of your life. It will be up to you as to whether or not you tell them you’re dropping them, and why.

In my experience, the only difference is:

a merely spoiled person may benefit from receiving an explanation and consequences for bratty, inconsiderate, harmful behavior. They may feel loss, sorrow, regret, and concern for the harm they caused. They may work to improve themselves and either apologize sincerely and try to rebuild trust with you (if you allow it), or at least go on to their next relationship knowing that behaving in a spoiled manner will drive people away from them, and then try harder not to behave that way next time.
a narcissist will not be able to understand cause and effect in any meaningful way—telling them ”You behaved in a spoiled way, I don’t want to spend time with you any more if you are going to treat me that way,” is like a foreign language to a narcissist. They will not be able to hear any criticism of their behavior. They will blame you for criticizing them and for leaving them. They will paint themselves as the victim and you as the abuser. They will not feel loss when you end the relationship, only anger that you dared to object to being mistreated. They will not learn from losing a relationship. They will not improve themselves or behave better in the future. They are simply not capable of self reflection. They will just go on to repeat the same spoiled behavior again and again with everyone they meet, and blame others when relationships go sour and end due to their own bad behavior and mistreatment of others.

That is all on the other person—not your problem or your responsibility!

The main take-away I want you to have is that you are a good person who worked very hard to excuse and minimize behavior that you should not have to tolerate from a person in a relationship.

I give you ultimate permission to walk away from any person, any relationship, any situation, in which a person is behaving in a way that hurts you, disrespects you, uses you, makes you uncomfortable or embarrassed. Give yourself that permission. You don’t need to offer endless second chances, excuses, or justifications for someone who is behaving badly, no matter why they are behaving that way. Not your problem. Not your responsibility.

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