What happens if the narcissist tries to humiliate you in public but you don't feel humiliated at all?
First: Congratulations! You are making progress on your own healing journey. Recognizing that other people's poor behavior is a reflection on them and not you is a great step, especially if you are codependent. It feels good to have a calm center and that sense of confidence in oneself will hopefully discourage future narcissist attacks.
Unfortunately, t doesn’t really matter how you respond to a narc, it seems they will always flip the script and turn things around so that they get drama and craziness out of whatever nonsense they instigate---they just won't be getting it from you anymore. If they can’t make you break down, cry, or act out in public, they will play the victim and pretend like you are the bad guy in the situation. The only way to win is not to play. If you can, just DO NOT RESPOND. The next best thing is to A) STAY CALM and B) respond appropriately
Case in point, I have a certain malevolent person in my extended family. She no longer attends family gatherings where I am present, but sometimes family will be visiting from out of town, and she will ‘just happen’ to show up when I’m out somewhere with that family member.
So, if my ‘spidey sense’ tingles and I feel that the person is going to show up and try to stir the pot, I just put a ‘broken record’ plan in place, to say one certain thing again and again no matter what outrageous nonsense they plan.
The last time this happened, my toxic sister in-law sent her husband AKA Flying Monkey #1 to get in my face and start crap when I was at a movie night at a local pub with a bunch of people and some visiting family.
My ‘broken record’ was “I’m sorry you feel that way, the [problems you are bringing to me/ blame you are putting on me/ situation you are in] is/are not my responsibility or my problem,”
After he kept trying to place blame and shame on me for his wife’s bad day/attitude problem, I repeated this broken record a few times after each new try to get my goat, and he finally left in defeat.
His toxic wife went online and cried to all her facebook flying monkeys about how her husband and his family had “attacked and humiliated” her “in public,” and “In front of all her friends”….when in reality, she sent her flying monkey to try and attack and humilate ME in front of MY friends. And her husband, in in failing to humiliate me, somehow also became her enemy. Poor dude. She threatened to kill us both and I contacted law enforcement immediately with screen shots of the threats.
I mean, on one hand, she got what she wanted—a lot of sympathy from her band of defectives, and they got to share a lot of nonsense about how she should divorce her ‘abusive’ husband and how they wanted to beat me and her husband up and destroy me and stick me on a cactcus and cut my guts out…but, whatever. She is a coward and I did not get upset or defensive, so I won. She hasn’t showed up to another event since then, nor sent a flying monkey to mess with me. I think the visit from the Law was a wake up call that there are potential consequences that she doesn’t want to be forced to pay.
So, in short:
stay calm
practice calm "Gray Rock" type responses in which you do not accept blame, shame, or humiliation attempts :
- “I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s just not my problem or responsibility,”
- “This isn’t an appropriate time or place to discuss, I’d be happy to talk with you later/in private about that,”
- “I’m not going to fight with you about this,”
—keep it simple, keep it calm, repeat it and repeat it as long as it takes to get it across
Allow the abuser to receive consequences of their behavior, whether it be legal trouble, exclusion from a venue, group, or activity, or whatever. If they are capable of learning or growth, this is their opportunity to learn and grow from a mistake.
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