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In my experience, it is a process. We start with the other and work our way back to ourselves. It is an entire cycle of grief—you have lost a relationship you treasured, a person you loved (who never existed), and yourself (the person you thought you were).
The victim of the narcissist has had an experience that shattered their world view and their sense of self, left them hurting and doubting everything they ever thought they knew about themselves, their relationships, and the world they lived in. They finally free themselves, or are discarded and left with nothing, and they look around at the devastated landscape, their burned out hopes and dreams, their ruined credit, their empty bank account, their estranged families, the friends who either outright hate them now, or whom they can no longer trust as a result of the narcissist’s smear campaign…it is overwhelming.
Like anyone who has lived through a disaster, the victim takes stock and then they begin to rebuild. They go through a litany of questions that eventually leads them out of the darkness and towards becoming a whole person with renewed self-esteem: How did this happen to me? Why did the person do this? What kind of person does this to a person they say they love, respect, and care for? What kind of monster was I actually living with all this time? Am I the abuser/crazy person/bad guy here? Is there some way to make them understand what they did, make them understand and care that they hurt me? Can I force them to feel empathy, to apologize and ask for my forgiveness, to become decent human beings? Is there some way to help them, heal them, rescue their other victims? Can I or should I try to get revenge?
And, finally, after however long it takes to work all that out, the victim comes to understand what was done to them, the lies and tricks, the cycle of abuse, the psychological problems that cause a person to behave abusively, and then comes the painful revelation that they, themselves, are flawed in some way that allowed the abuser to make a feast of them: Poor self-esteem, poor boundaries, codependent traits, a family of origin that included trauma, physical or emotional abuse or neglect, an absent parent or caregiver, an alcoholic or addicted parent or caregiver, a narcissistic parent or caregiver, perhaps their own history of depression, avoidance, ADHD, or some other mental illness that made them an appealing target and prevented them from leaving at the first sign of something wrong, before everything burned to ashes around them.
It is difficult to have patience with someone who is going through this healing process—it can take months or years. It may never happen—as you may have observed, a lot of people seem to stay stuck in their victim story for a very long time. It is difficult to have patience with yourself as you are going through this.
There was a point after my ex moved out that my mantra was “Eff you for doing this to me, but EFF ME for letting you!!” My self-loathing and desire for self-destruction was very high at that time. I was so angry and disgusted with myself for letting it go on as long as it had. But, with help, I managed to see my way to granting myself grace and forgiveness, and I’m working very hard to grant the same grace and forgiveness to loved ones who are struggling in their own codependent and unhealthy relationships.
We all have to get through it in our own way and in our own time. Other people shaming us or blaming us for allowing the abuse is not helpful. We know all the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” scenarios, and we run ourselves through that tortured thought process again and again, ALL the time, until we finally arrive at that point of self-forgiveness, rediscover our true selves, reclaim our strengths, learn boundaries, and choose better relationships.
Thanks for your question. I hope this helps you.
Footnotes
Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.
If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal
And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.
