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If there is a person you care about who is a survivor of narcissistic abuse, that person is responsible for their own healing. As a recovering codependent myself, I fully empathize with your desire to somehow repair the person you care about so deeply. And being accepted, loved, listened-to and cared for can help a person to bloom and heal so beautifully over time.
However, it is not your job to do their self-healing work for them. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t control it. There are many ways you can be supportive of a loved one who is going through the difficult and often long road to recovery from being in an unhealthy relationship. One of the most important things is to recognize their strength and autonomy and allow them to do this work, because the best feeling in the world is accomplishment of a goal.
One of the most terrible things about being in a relationship with a narcissist is the way the narcissist teaches their victim to be passive tools, telling them that they know nothing, they are useless, and their memories, opinions and expertise are always completely wrong. Your dear one will need to restore their faith in their own judgement, trust their own minds and memories again, and feel stronger in their self-esteem. This isn’t something you can do for them, this is something they need to work on day by day and rediscover for themselves.
Listen to what your loved one has to say, validate their feelings, and then ask if they want help or suggestions before helping or offering the suggestions, and be respectful of their decisions and their own pace of healing, no matter how long it takes them to do the work for themselves that you happily would have done for them if it was possible to do so. Perhaps you and your loved one can attend religious services, a study group, or a 12 step support group together to strengthen your bond and your commitment to healing together and building a strong healthy relationship.
Another way to help keep yourself from over-helping and accidentally doing damage, is to think of the person as an emerging butterfly. The butterfly needs the exercise of breaking out of its cocoon in order to build the strength to open its wings and fly. Please do not deprive your loved one of the experience of flying on his/her own.
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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.
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And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.
