evile

Jun. 15th, 2020

How do you deal with gaslighting? What do you do when the narcissist tells you that something that you have seen with your own eyes is not real? It feels so scary.

"I’ve counseled hundreds of victims of gaslighting. Here’s how to spot if you’re being gaslighted."

It is scary! When you look up and see a blue sky but the Narcissist insists the sky is green, the Narcissist is trying to control you, and control reality. If they can’t actually change the color of the sky (no matter how grandiose their self-image is, they aren’t actually all powerful wizards of time and space!), they can at least bully and pick at you until you agree with them that the sky is green. Once you’ve given in to their version of reality on something small, they will build on that until you no longer trust the evidence of your own senses and rely on the narcissist to interpret and explain reality to you. (it will be their reality, and their truth, so of course, not actual reality as it stands)

First of all, good for you for recognizing the attempt by the narc to control your reality and shape your perceptions. Keep a good tight hold on what you actually see and hear and try to remain centered in your truth and reality. You’re not “too sensitive”, you’re not “crazy”, and you’re not “stupid”. If a situation feels wrong to you, that is a good sign that it is a wrong situation for you and you need to exit!

Do not argue with the narcissist; it’s strange but true that even giving the slightest voice to their version of reality somehow makes it ‘more real.’ Don’t bother; you know it’s not and arguing only lends their side of things credibility it doesn’t deserve. The Narc will have allies (flying monkeys) who will see your argument and your hurt feelings, anger, or upset at the narc’s twisted view of things, and interpret that as you are being defensive because you’ve done something wrong, or you know that you are wrong, and that somehow makes the Narc right. So don’t go there. You say “The sky is a lovely blue today,” the Narc says “No, it’s green,” your best response is a smile, a shrug, or perhaps a simple “I guess we don’t see things the same way,” and go on about your business. Remember that the power struggle is the nugget that the narc is after, if you don’t give them their nugget, they will eventually get bored and leave you alone.

Remain steady within your truth; this one can be hard when the Narc starts recruiting others to attack you with the incorrect viewpoint or skewed version of events. Another favorite trick of the narc is to keep their target awake til all hours, deprived of rest and/or food, repeating (screaming and crying) the same false version of events until their target begins to doubt themselves and eventually gives in, either to make peace or because they finally doubt their own memories and perceptions enough to believe the false memory the Narc is implanting.

Seek outside help or counseling—speak to a clergy person you trust, someone at your workplace’s EAP, a counselor or psychologist. That person may be able to help you sort out what is real and what is not, and give you some more coping mechanisms for dealing with the Narc.

Finally, when you realize that you and the Narc cannot even agree on what is in front of your faces, let alone any interpersonal events, emotions, or motivations, it will be time for you to exit the relationship. I hope you will also take the time to read the article I posted at the beginning of this answer. Good luck!

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Do the narcissist's parents ever realize they created a monster, or are they too much in denial or too embarrassed?

The old nature-vs-nurture argument. Are they born bad or are they created? Do the parents see what they did and feel bad, or do they feel the child is completely on their own as far as how they turn out as adults? I think it really depends on the parents. There’s not a universal truth here, only individual lives and how they deal with things.

It’s a complicated situation; I believe some narcissists are created by growing up in a toxic environment. One or more of their adult care givers (parents, grandparents, foster, adoptive, whatever) is a narcissist themselves and due to the toxic family dynamic, one or more of their children is also a narcissist. Adults who are abusive, neglectful, addicted or absent may also trigger the series of malignant circumstances that make a child’s brain and behavior into what we call narcissistic personality disorder.

A child may also be born with significant brain damage, either due to maternal stress, maternal drug abuse, or no reason at all. Their brains are actually missing the structures which would allow them to develop emotionally into mature adults.

If you had a child with a birth defect which caused them to have difficulty relating to others and difficulty expressing themselves emotionally, how would you feel? Would you feel responsible, or would you feel it was the child’s responsibility to learn how to deal with their disability? I think the answer to that really varies with each family and really depends on the circumstances.

Is it the child’s fault that they were born into a toxic family? Is it the child’s fault that they were born with organic brain damage? No. But it is every adult’s responsibility to learn to cope with their early childhood damage and try to learn to function properly in the world.

If a person is ever able to be self-aware enough to realize that their behavior is toxic to themselves & others, they have enough self-awareness to work on it and fix themselves, regardless of what their parents have done or said.

Absolutely! Intelligence is completely independent of pathology—think of the fictional Doctor Hannibal Lecter,

[1]

for example. Intelligence, in terms of the ability to reason, plan, problem-solve, read and comprehend information, recall facts and dates, and infer data, is completely independent of emotional depth or empathy.

[2]

The worst narcissists I’ve ever met are highly educated, very book-smart people. They are well-read and well-informed on current events and whatever subjects have caught their attention over the years. They are good at getting the big picture and convincing people that they are ‘expert’ at whatever topic because they’re able to capture main concepts and present collections of buzz words with a great deal of confidence and personal authority. Someone who is not well-read or expert at the subject at hand will tend to assume that the narcissist is what they say they are--an expert-- and defer to their presumed authority on the subject.

Please do not confuse emotional intelligence

[3]

with the kind of cleverness, book smarts, or pop culture references that a narcissist can present in lieu of actually having any sort of real humanity.

Footnotes

[1]

Hannibal Lecter - Wikipedia

[2]

Emotional intelligence vs. intellectual intelligence: Where do you stand?

[3]

13 Signs of High Emotional Intelligence