Quora: Would a covert narcissist try to punish you somehow if your affair with them had been expose

 

Would a covert narcissist try to punish you somehow if your affair with them had been exposed to your spouse, resulting in less interaction, communication and less social activities with the narc? Does he feel like he’s lost control?

First of all, don’t have affairs. It’s not ethical. If you are in an unhappy relationship, leave the relationship. If you think your relationship has something worth saving, talk to your partner about what you feel is missing from the relationship. Some relationships can survive going from monogamous to ethically non-monogamous. Seriously, don’t cheat. It makes me wonder who the narcissist in the relationship is or was.

That being said, one of the things narcissists like is feeling like they are smarter than other people. One of the ways they feel smarter is by tricking other people or thinking they are getting away with something. A covert affair carried out under the nose of an unwitting spouse (especially one they pretend to befriend) is pretty much a perfect crime to a narcissist—they get to outwit someone, they get away with breaking social and moral rules, and they get sexual gratification. The only thing that would make it better is if they figured out how to get money out of the deal, too.

Other reasons narcissists have affairs with married people might include the power trip of taking something away from a person who they fear or a person they feel has things that they want—so if the Narc sees your spouse as attractive, successful, or enviable in some way, seducing you was a way to try and prove they were better than your spouse. Or maybe they saw a relationship that looked happy and so they envied the closeness between you and your spouse and either wanted to steal it or ruin it. Plus bonus power and control over you and sexual attention and validation for themselves.

To a narc, please understand that you are an object and not a person. Conning you into an extramarital affair was just to boost their own ego and make themselves feel smarter and superior, it really didn’t have anything to do with you as a person. You were there, the Narc was looking for a game or a way to break up their own boredom, and so they made their move.

So, yes, getting caught ruins the narc’s game and ruins their fun. Rather than thinking “boy I’m dumb, to think I would not get caught doing such a thing,” and taking responsibility for their part in this sad situation, the narc is probably now thinking “That person I committed adultery with isn’t all that. They’re pretty boring, come to think of it. They aren’t very attractive. And the sex wasn’t that great, either,” Someone else is looking like a better bet, more fun, sexier prospect right about now. They’ve seduced you, tricked your spouse, and ruined your happiness. There really isn’t anything else they want at this point. Unless you can come up with a new violation or a new taboo to break with and for the Narc, the ‘magic’ is gone and he or she will be on to the next source of fun, leaving you behind to pick up the pieces of your life.

Go home, fix your own relationship or end it honestly and ethically. Don’t cheat. Maybe the narcissist was a dirtbag first or worse, but you were also a dirtbag. Own your part of this and take responsibility.

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