Quora : What kind of narcissist would say, “You are just the person I've been looking for”?

What kind of narcissist would say, “You are just the person I've been looking for”?

 Um…all of them?

This is just a thing they say during the love-bombing phase of their pattern of behavior—Idealize, Devalue, Discard. They meet a new person and idealize them, adore them, practically worship them. The new shiny toy can do no wrong, everything they say is wonderful and perfect. They mirror the new shiny; if the new shiny loves race cars and helicopters, then the narcissist will learn what they need to know in order to show that they, too, love race cars and helicopters. Oh, in fact, the narcissist has loved race cars and helicopters for longer than you have and is, in fact, an Expert on race cars and helicopters, and knows many famous and important people in the race car and helicopter field. Wouldn’t you love to know those people, too? Well, maybe if you’re good and hang around long enough, you’ll get to meet them…la la la.

Once the new source of supply is hooked in by this euphoric adoration, this sensation of walking on sunlit clouds with choirs of angels singing, this connection to a new and amazing world where everything you’ve ever dreamed of is within reach…then the fault finding and nitpicking can begin. The narcissist can start to unload all of their flaws and insecurities onto the new shiny, while stealing every shiny thing they adored and adding it to their own projection of perfection. They fill you full of their garbage, take all your treasure, and destroy everything precious in you that they don’t understand or can’t steal for themselves.

“You are the one I’ve been waiting for, you are the one I’ve been looking for, you are the only one who has ever understood me, you are the only one who knows all of my secrets, you are the only one I trust, you are the only one I’ve ever loved in this perfect and special way…”

Until suddenly, you aren’t all that special anymore, and in fact, the narcissist now despises you.

Be cautious around anyone who says you are “The One,” especially if you haven’t known them all that long.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Quora: Is it possible for a NPDvictim, to enjoy the narcissists’attention.

Is it possible for a NPDvictim, to enjoy the narcissists’attention. let’s say you know the pattern of his behaviour? (So you manipulate the pattern of NPD and get your own ’victimfuel’) without being hurt, or are they always better in this?

 



Most people don’t enjoy thinking of themselves as ‘victims’. People I know who are or were in abusive relationships generally do everything they can to pretend that they are in control of things, even when it’s obvious from outside that they are not.

There is a cycle of abuse that becomes familiar, and the human brain can become addicted to the fight-or-flight chemicals, just as it can become addicted to the sexual bonding hormones that are released during the early ‘love bomb’ stage of the relationship.

So, when I see a person saying they are the victim of a narcissist but they wish to ‘manipulate’ the abuser in order to get their own ‘victimfuel’ what I see is a person who realizes that they are addicted to the drama, the absurdly high ‘highs’ and the dismal and sometimes terrifying ‘lows’ of the cycle of abuse.

Yes, it is possible to manipulate a narcissist to hurry the cycle along. But they are always going to be ‘better at it’ than you are.

The cycle goes like this: “Tension building==>Incident(abuse)==>Reconciliation (honeymoon)==>Calm===>back to Tension building”

This may look something like the abuser saying ugly things or becoming irritated by small things that the victim says and does or just little things in general. “My supper is cold, why is the dog barking, I really hate it when you run the dishwasher while I”m trying to watch my show, shut that kid up!” ….then the Incident happens. The abuser screams and yells, loses their temper completely, or slaps you, the kids, the dogs, etc. The abuser then goes thru a period of “oh, honey, I’m so sorry I did that, I love you, please forgive me, let me take you someplace nice, let me buy you something nice,” and that part feels very good to the victim. But then it all starts again.

As time goes on, the period of calm and the period of reconciliation become shorter, while the tension building and incidents become more and more violent. The victim always wants to get to the reconciliation phase. He or she may observe the abuser becoming short tempered and easily annoyed and know that the blow-up is coming. The victim may go ahead and burn the supper on purpose or pinch the dog to make it bark, just to provoke the blow-up and try to get the hugging, kissing, apologies, and gifts that feel so good.

The thing to understand is that the honeymoon phase is not the real person or the real emotions, the abusive hateful person is the real face of the abuser/narcissist. and your addiction to the honeymoon phase is a self-destructive addiction as bad or worse than an addiction to drugs or alcohol; the fact that your own brain is producing the addictive chemicals doesn’t make them any better for you.

A healthy relationship isn’t going to have these insane highs and catastrophic lows, it may feel ‘boring’ or ‘dull’ at times by comparison, but it is ultimately going to be a deeper and more satisfying relationship. You just have to kick your addiction to unhealthy emotional ties and develop an understanding of the difference between drama and passion in a relationship

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my wriiting, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.