Quora: When a narcissist begins to idealize you, does he/she know that they will ultimately discard

When a narcissist begins to idealize you, does he/she know that they will ultimately discard you in the end? Can they see the pattern?


 Unfortunately for them and their endless string of discards, the answer is no. Narcissists are childish minds inside adult bodies. They are so self centered and focused on their instant gratification that they are not capable of seeing the big picture of any situation. They don’t understand cause-and-effect, and they have absolutely no ability to view their actions objectively or self-reflect in any meaningful way.

A normal person might have two or three bad relationships in a row and say to themselves “Boy, what am I doing wrong to keep attracting these kinds of people to me?” and make changes in their own behavior and boundaries, maybe even see a counselor or clergy person, and hopefully improve their ability to find and create caring mutual partnerships.

But a narc doesn’t think that way; they meet a person who has qualities the narc themselves desire. They decide that the person is their new best friend, or the love of their life, and they treat them with complete adoration and focus all of their considerable charm upon the new shiny target.

Unfortunately, we are all human. The narcissist begins to see the humanity beneath the shiny god-like qualities they made up in their heads and IT IS THE TARGET’S FAULT for being imperfect! NOT the narcissist’s for idealizing that person and feeling the person was flawless! This is on the same emotional level as a baby screaming for milk in the middle of the night and getting more and more upset because the milk does not instantly appear at the child’s first indication of hunger or thirst. The narcissist literally cannot see beyond the failure in the moment of their target to be ‘perfect’ and provide the narcissist with every single want and need, instantly.

No one can do that. And no adult should ask or expect that of another, or try to be that for another!

And so the childish, selfish, un-aware narcissist begins the blame, abuse, and discard phase of the relationship. Unless the target gets caught up in trying to please the narcissist and prove their love and stick with it no matter what…then the cycle of abuse can begin again. The milk has been provided, the baby can sleep for a while…until it wakes up screaming again. The narcissist is a very big baby and it’s capacity for ‘milk’ will eventually exceed any person’s ability to provide. Another discard. It’s not something the narcissist thinks about or analyzes or will ever realize about him or herself, it’s just their feeding pattern.


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