3352dream

Jul. 8, 2005

 

 

last night I dreamt about X. I was at my mom's old house on
Ashland, and it was Halloween, daytime. I thought I needed to go buy
candy, but then I remembered I had some. I poured out a big jar or
bucket of candy on the floor to find stuff to possibly give out to
the trick or treaters. There were wrapped squares of Ghiradelli
chocolate, which I thought 'too good' to give out, at first, but then
decided to give out anyway. There were loose malted milk balls, which
I realized I could not give out because the parents would assume they
were poisoned and throw them away.

Then I realized that X and her latest lover were living in this
house and it wasn't my house at all, her guy was this old tan body
builder leatherworker bald/hairless guy. Or maybe dr. Davis. She had
shaved her head & body, too. But she was wearing a short black 'aeon
flux' styled wig. I went to take a shower in their very large
bathroom, and pookie was in there wandering around with a small
puppy. His hair was streaked with blonde. He was saying something
about not putting the puppy down.

then something about a diner or something, run by danny masterson
from that 70s show.

And that's all I remember.

3353"Rules Are For OTHER People"

Jul. 8, 2005

 

 

too fuckin' funny. this woman hasn't fought 'fair' even ONCE the
entire time I've known her, and now all the sudden she's going to
tell people how to do it? *gigglesnort* what.ever.
===========================================================
skye_ds (skye_ds) wrote,
@ 2005-07-07 16:53:00

Rules for Fair Fighting

1. http://www.ku.edu/~grobe/rules-of-fair-fighting.html:


Draft Rules for Fair Fighting
No violence; no physical contact.

No throwing of objects at the opponent. Throwing is permitted only of
inexpensive objects at or against inexpensive or invulnerable
surfaces. Responsibility (financial, legal, etc.) is accepted by
thrower.

In general, focus on observations of behavior and expression of YOUR
personal feelings,

I'm angry/sad/hurt/elated....
I feel andry/sad/hurt/elated....
When I hear you say that, I get angry.
When you forget my birthday, I feel hurt.
and try to keep observations separate from interpretations based on
those observations.


When I see you do that, i think you are trying to get out of our
agreement.
When you say that, i imagine that you don't love me.
I have a theory that you do that to make me feel bad.
I've noticed that you do ... a lot, and I imagine it means ...
Note, however, that this is quite tricky since it can simply be used
to introduce attributions of character, etc. See Section 3 below, as
well as the Scoring section below.


Avoid attribution of:

qualities of person,
qualities of character,
emotion, or
motive
to the opponent. The following are fairly direct attributions of
character:


You are mean.
You are stupid.
You are the kind of person who....
You suck.
You are so negative. (No, i'm not...)
The following are fairly direct attributions of emotion.


You hate/dislike... me.
You don't respect/like/care for... me.
You can't stand not to win.
You love her/him.
You detest her/him.
You are angry/sad/hurt.
The following are fairly direct attributions of motive:


You're trying to manipulate me.
You have to have it your way.
You are trying to put me down.
You are trying to make me mad.
Note: many of these attributions are presented as questions, which
become (inquisitional?) accusations:


You hate me, don't you.
Can't you do any better than that?
Are you TRYing to make things difficult.
You can't stand it when I'm happy, can you?
When did you stop beating your wife?
OK, then, when did you stop respecting me?
Why are you trying to...put me down...confuse things...do this to me?
How can you do this to me?
I don't understand why you....
and are sometimes combined with "just" for extra effect:


You're just trying to make me mad, aren't you?
You just can't stand to lose, can you?
You just have to make me unhappy, don't you?
When you go bowling with your ex-boyfriend, I imagine you're just
trying to get back at me.
In general, questions are suspect. It may be better to rephrase a
question as a collection of statments. It can be difficult to unpack
the components of the question and translate them into observations
of behavior and personal feelings.


Avoid over-generalizations:
You always....
You always....get your way....beat a hasty retreat....
You always have to.....get your way....find some way to criticize
me....
You never....care about what i think....do anything around here....
I always try to get along, but you never help.
That's wrong! (try: "I don't agree.")
There's no way that can be done. (try: "I don't believe that.")
You can't do that. (try: "I don't believe you can do that.")
Avoid invoking moral imperatives (should/ought), as in
You ought to know better.
You should treat me better.
I should have known better than that.
You shouldn't do that.

Avoid identifying or claiming causality or responsibility, as in
You make me feel bad...unloved....unhappy....helpless....
I do that because I love you.
You do that because you hate me.
If it weren't for that, I'd be much happier.
Penalties and Scoring
Infractions may be declared by either opponent. Self-monitoring
obviates a foul if performed before a foul is declared by the
opponent.

Penalties: an infracted opponent may utter one foul from the same
class, or from the name calling class, to which the infractor must
respond "Thanks, I needed that." :-)

Unpack compound structures to get to their offending components. For
example,

If you didn't always try to put me down, it wouldn't be so hard to be
around you.
You make me feel insecure about it because you can't stand to be
wrong.
Why do you feel you have to insult me like that?
When you make fun of me like that, I think you're just trying to get
back at me.
Award multiple penalty shots for each offense identified within a
compound structure.

The use of interpretations of behavior to infer qualities of person,
character, emotion, or motive are suspect, as in:

I have this feeling that you really want to get rid of me.
I feel like you're trying to embarass me/put me down....
I think you're basically neurotic/careless/cold-hearted.....
Oftentimes, it is difficult to describe an interpretation without
beginning with such structures, so interpretations such as the ones
above are not counted as infractions de facto. However, typically,
they must be carefully examined for intent. A common problem is
that "you really want to get rid of me," and the like, are not
really "feelings", but rather place holders for actual emotions like
fear or sadness. You must use your best judgement in these cases.


Declaring a Winner
There are usually 2 possible outcomes: both participants win or both
participants lose. The winners are able to identify their own
infractions and unpack them enough to identify their own emotions,
perceptions and thoughts and understand the view of their opponents.


Michael Grobe
Sometime during 1998



2.
http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/fighting/fighting.html#anc
hor102963


Fair Fighting: Ground rules
Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By
remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your
viewpoint.

Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and
honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication.
If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose
control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel
steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play
with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you.

Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to
work on.

Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics
until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect
where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing
anything to be resolved.

No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity
creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.

Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend
themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.

Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such
generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.

Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your
feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing.
Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.

Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over
time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with
numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to
deal with problems as they arise.

Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops
responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive
results can only be attained with two-way communication.

Establish common ground rules. You may even want to ask your partner-
in-conflict to read and discuss this brochure with you. When parties
accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict,
resolution becomes much more likely.

Fair Fighting: Step by Step...

To make the Fair Fighting ground rules effective in resolving a
specific conflict, use the following steps:

Step One: Before you begin, ask yourself, "What exactly is bothering
me? What do I want the other person to do or not do? Are my feelings
in proportion to the issue?"

Step two: Know what your goals are before you begin. What are the
possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you?

Step three: Remember that the idea is not to "win" but to come to a
mutually satisfying and peaceful solution to the problem.

Step four: Set a time for a discussion with your partner-in-conflict.
It should be as soon as possible but agreeable to both persons.
Springing something when another is unprepared may leave the other
person feeling that he or she has to fend off an attack. If you
encounter resistance to setting a time, try to help the other person
see that the problem is important to you.

Step five: State the problem clearly. At first, try to stick to the
facts; then, once you've stated the facts, state your feelings.
Use "I" messages to describe feelings of anger, hurt, or
disappointment. Avoid "you" messages such as "you make me angry...."


Step six: Invite your partner-in-conflict to share his or her point
of view, and use active listening skills. Be careful not to
interrupt, and genuinely try to hear his or her concerns and
feelings. If it seems helpful, try to restate what you have heard in
a way that lets your partner know you have fully understood, and ask
your partner to do the same for you.

Step seven: Try to take the other's perspective - that is, try to see
the problem through his or her eyes. The "opposing" viewpoint can
make sense even if you don't agree.

Step eight: Propose specific solutions, and invite the other person
to propose solutions, too.

Step nine: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each proposal.

Step ten: Be ready for some compromise. Allowing the other person
only one course of action will likely hinder resolution. When there
is agreement on a proposal for change, celebrate! Set a trial period
for the new behavior. At the end of the trial period, you can discuss
the possibility of modifying or continuing the change. If no solution
has been reached regarding the original problem, schedule a time to
begin the discussion again.


When Nothing Seems to Work

Sometimes, despite our best fair-fighting efforts, a disagreement or
conflict seems insurmountable. When this occurs, talking with a
trained professional can help. A trained mediator can help you
communicate more effectively and eventually work your way through to
a solution.


3. http://www.relate.gov.au/relationships/fair.html


Rules for fair fighting
No ambush
Make an appointment to talk: (a) for a certain time and place, (b)
for a certain issue.
Present your argument sensibly
As preparation for the discussion, work out for yourself exactly what
you want, and the reasons why you want it. Organise your arguments.
Be sure that what you are asking for is really what you desire.
Listen carefully to your partner
Every time your partner makes a point, restate the point in your own
words to make sure you understand exactly what your opponent means.
Before you respond to any point, check to be sure that you understand
how your partner feels. Ask questions.
Stick to the issue
Fight about no more than two related issues at a time. If side issues
are raised, these must be laid aside for another fight. Past history
is nearly always irrelevant. Don't pin labels or attributes on your
partner. ("You're always…")
Agree on what kind of behaviour is acceptable
This needs to be negotiated between the couple. Some possibilities
are: acceptable posture, (e.g. standing or sitting), tone of voice,
etc
Keep all blows above the belt
By the time a couple has spent some time together each knows the
sensitive areas of the other. They know just the area in which the
other can be hurt. Attacking these areas is a "foul". This assures
that the belt-line is not dishonestly set higher than need be.
Don't over react
While it is certainly appropriate and necessary to fight about
relatively minor issues so that they don't build up, do not fight
with more force than the issue warrants. Are you hiding larger
feelings behind something trivial?
If you can't settle the issues, table it for a later, specific and
agreed upon time
Often a complicated issue cannot be resolved in one setting. A
temporary truce can often be helpful in rethinking one's own
position, cooling off, or simply recovering from fatigue. Time and
place to resume the discussion should be agreed upon.
If you can agree, decide how to carry out your decision
Who will do what, is there a deadline?
If you later are dissatisfied with the decision, you must make an
appointment for another discussion
Back, G.R. & Wyden, (1968), The Intimate Enemy
Provided by Centacare


You know who you are, hope these help.

~benedizioni chiari e scuri~



------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow
amydi1316
2005-07-08 13:35 (link)
I really agree with all the websites you linked too. if only everyone
could follow the simple rules of fair fighting, i think there would
possible be less divorces caused by petty things, but that's just in
my opinion. Thanks for sharing all those websites. God bless Skye

•  

3355icq w/A

 

 

Jul. 8, 2005

 

 

evile: TGIF!
SkyeDS: amen, sister
evile: what are y'all gonna get up to this weekend?
SkyeDS: sleep/work tomorrow, park sunday
evile: *nod* cool.
SkyeDS: my new purple silk riding dress came today.
SkyeDS: planning on ordering three tricktraining books
evile: where did you find that?
SkyeDS: ebay - holyclothing
SkyeDS: haven't worn my new saris yet either
evile: A lot of people I know swear by holyclothing. Some of
Pace/Tangentsferret/Erinlefey's friends got married in outfits from there.
SkyeDS: I have a good sized and growing collection
evile: I can never find exactly what I want. I should just bite the
bullet and learn to sew.
SkyeDS: Jubilee's sewing skills are better than the average bear's.
evile: it's good that you have her as a resource, then :)
evile: I was dinking around with LJ tags and such and found the entry
I made after the first time I met her.
SkyeDS: making those rein sleeves, I sewed four whole straight lines,
a yard each or so
SkyeDS: I was so proud, I called Gramma to tell her
SkyeDS: she said that's nice dear and hung up
evile: old people. *shrug*
SkyeDS: was actually kind of funny
SkyeDS: as much as she taught me, and as much as I sewed when I was a
little kid
evile: it's possible that it's one of those things your fingers never
forget, even if your brain did. *shrug* I didn't sew when I was a kid.
SkyeDS: redacting documents is so much fun /sarcasm
evile: I wouldn't know, never done it. I kind of like really
mindless clerical tasks
SkyeDS: this is pretty damn mindless.
evile: more room in your head to daydream when you don't have to
think about work :)
evile: I just love Ladydreamtime. She's so quick-witted :)
SkyeDS: nodnods
evile: On the willy wonka cupcakes, the icing doesn't bother me,
hideous combination of colors notwithstanding. it's the viscous
purple goop inside that disturbs me.
evile: I would *definitely* say that 'bdsm cupcake' is a far better
term for the man than the snack food.
SkyeDS: LOL giggling
evile: the willie wonka cupcakes were definitely a 'don't go to the
store late at night, bored and hungry' purchase.
SkyeDS: I know I shouldn't shop before I eat a meal, but sometimes I
don't always do right
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: usually sluggish with food coma after meal, not motivated to
do anything after that
evile: yup
SkyeDS: if you were going to buy bellydancing music would you buy it
in town or online?
SkyeDS: or maybe I could ask Tracie or Crystal to copy some of theirs
evile: *shrug* no clue. I really don't know enough about bellydance
music to make a sensible choice.
SkyeDS: I will ask sineater to get me Tracy's and Crystal's email addys
and ask them if they have Saidi drum CDS that I can copy or advice on
what artists they like and where to buy
evile: *nod* probably a good idea, just to get you started. I know
there are all these 'styles' and such, but I really don't know
anything.
evile: at the Casa De Luz shows, there is a bunch of different music
played. There's a sound & light guy, and I think the dancers each
bring their own CDs and tell him which tracks to play.
SkyeDS: I would think so
evile: I guess if you really really liked a certain piece, you could
ask the sound man or hte dancer what it was.
evile: I always prefer the live musicians over the canned music. A
lot of times I just can't take the pitch & volume on some of the
recorded stuff.
SkyeDS: I'm hoping that the dancers drummers will want to play for us
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: but I'm not going to count on it, I don't know if they get
paid, I can't afford to pay them
evile: if you got tipped while they were playing and you were
performing, it would be gracious to share.
SkyeDS: it hadn't occurred to me to set out a tip jar, good idea
evile: *nod* & I've noticed that if there's a 'primer' dollar
sticking out, people tend to tip more
SkyeDS: oh yeah.
SkyeDS: always seed the tip jar
SkyeDS: learned that when I was like 5.
SkyeDS: always used to prime mine with 5s as well as 1s
evile: oh, ok *sheepish face* duh, I should have known htat.
SkyeDS: why should you have known that.
SkyeDS: it s hould have occurred to me to put out a tip jar when
we're performing v when we're vending
evile: because you've only mentioned how you grew up performing on
piano...17 gagillion times in the 15 years I've known you??/
SkyeDS: lol so?
evile: so you know how to do tip jars. just tell me to shut up when
I'm being an obnoxious know it all.
SkyeDS: you thought about putting one out for performances, I hadn't
thought about that
SkyeDS: sometimes I don't see everything when I'm in either vending
or performing modes
evile: *nod* and sometimes I try to be helpful and end up being bossy
and officious and knowitall obnoxious. It really isn't meant that way.
SkyeDS: I welcome the help, honestly :P
evile: OK. I just worry that I am peeving you and you are feeling too
polite (or offended) to tell me
SkyeDS: nope
SkyeDS: we had long talks about how to make faires better after
Ingleside remember? I think we do good when we brainstorm things
together
SkyeDS: or maybe it's you brainstorming mostly and me taking notes
SkyeDS: I've got to start seeing the big picture outside of one mode
or the other (vending v performing)
evile: I hope you feel that way. I really don't mean to be so bossy
all the time. I feel like some people feel like I"'m stepping all
over them and trying to take shit over.
SkyeDS: even if you were, I'd rather take orders than give them
SkyeDS: as much as people who watch us think I'm stepping all over
and being bossy
SkyeDS: it isn't that I'm not bossy, it's that I'd rather someone
else be bossy than me, but most of the time t here isn't anyone else
to take that position but me. And somebody's got to do it.
evile: *nod* I am not really much into leadership, but I do have a
lot of ideas. And it makes me happy when people find them useful.
SkyeDS: I worry more that you'll think I'm taking advantage of you by
putting you in the leadership role and using you
SkyeDS: but the fact is, I've seen you work faires, and you're a
whole lot better organized and efficient about it than we are.
evile: I'm good at organizing myself, not so good at delegating or
directing others. And to me, all ' leadership' means is who gets spit
on when everything goes to hell.
SkyeDS: nah. that would be me. since generally I'm the one who gets
us into this stuff and makes commitments.
SkyeDS: I don't make commitments without taking a family vote
on "would you like to do this or not" but that really doesn't matter
in the long run if nobody has a good time, I feel like it's my fault
for suggesting it in the first place.
evile: I empathize. as much as it is illogical, I totally get that
too.
SkyeDS: I have mild phobias about the whole entertaining thing
evile: i used to get stage fright when I did plays.
SkyeDS: nodnodnods. I don't know how to get over stage fright, I get
it almost bad enough to make me physically ill.
SkyeDS: the only thing that's ever mitigated it for me was if I
wasn't by myself, the more people, the less bad it was
evile: *nod*
evile: for me, it got better the more time I spent on stage. Opening
nights were the worst, but it always got better after that. So
basically I just kind of jumped in and said "If I can survive the
first show, I can make it"
SkyeDS: nodnod, there is that
evile: I didn't ever get it as bad when I was vending.
SkyeDS: Johnny Depp does NOT look like Michael Jackson
evile: I don't think so either...but he is kind of creepy and pale as
Willie Wonka.
SkyeDS: one of Hugh's friends said they're evacuating NOLA right this
minute
evile: jeez.
evile: weather or terrorism?
SkyeDS: hurricane
evile: Oh, that's Ok then.
evile: time for me to hit the brix. have an excellent weekend!