3353"Rules Are For OTHER People"

[evile]

Jul. 8, 2005

 

 

too fuckin' funny. this woman hasn't fought 'fair' even ONCE the
entire time I've known her, and now all the sudden she's going to
tell people how to do it? *gigglesnort* what.ever.
===========================================================
skye_ds (skye_ds) wrote,
@ 2005-07-07 16:53:00

Rules for Fair Fighting

1. http://www.ku.edu/~grobe/rules-of-fair-fighting.html:


Draft Rules for Fair Fighting
No violence; no physical contact.

No throwing of objects at the opponent. Throwing is permitted only of
inexpensive objects at or against inexpensive or invulnerable
surfaces. Responsibility (financial, legal, etc.) is accepted by
thrower.

In general, focus on observations of behavior and expression of YOUR
personal feelings,

I'm angry/sad/hurt/elated....
I feel andry/sad/hurt/elated....
When I hear you say that, I get angry.
When you forget my birthday, I feel hurt.
and try to keep observations separate from interpretations based on
those observations.


When I see you do that, i think you are trying to get out of our
agreement.
When you say that, i imagine that you don't love me.
I have a theory that you do that to make me feel bad.
I've noticed that you do ... a lot, and I imagine it means ...
Note, however, that this is quite tricky since it can simply be used
to introduce attributions of character, etc. See Section 3 below, as
well as the Scoring section below.


Avoid attribution of:

qualities of person,
qualities of character,
emotion, or
motive
to the opponent. The following are fairly direct attributions of
character:


You are mean.
You are stupid.
You are the kind of person who....
You suck.
You are so negative. (No, i'm not...)
The following are fairly direct attributions of emotion.


You hate/dislike... me.
You don't respect/like/care for... me.
You can't stand not to win.
You love her/him.
You detest her/him.
You are angry/sad/hurt.
The following are fairly direct attributions of motive:


You're trying to manipulate me.
You have to have it your way.
You are trying to put me down.
You are trying to make me mad.
Note: many of these attributions are presented as questions, which
become (inquisitional?) accusations:


You hate me, don't you.
Can't you do any better than that?
Are you TRYing to make things difficult.
You can't stand it when I'm happy, can you?
When did you stop beating your wife?
OK, then, when did you stop respecting me?
Why are you trying to...put me down...confuse things...do this to me?
How can you do this to me?
I don't understand why you....
and are sometimes combined with "just" for extra effect:


You're just trying to make me mad, aren't you?
You just can't stand to lose, can you?
You just have to make me unhappy, don't you?
When you go bowling with your ex-boyfriend, I imagine you're just
trying to get back at me.
In general, questions are suspect. It may be better to rephrase a
question as a collection of statments. It can be difficult to unpack
the components of the question and translate them into observations
of behavior and personal feelings.


Avoid over-generalizations:
You always....
You always....get your way....beat a hasty retreat....
You always have to.....get your way....find some way to criticize
me....
You never....care about what i think....do anything around here....
I always try to get along, but you never help.
That's wrong! (try: "I don't agree.")
There's no way that can be done. (try: "I don't believe that.")
You can't do that. (try: "I don't believe you can do that.")
Avoid invoking moral imperatives (should/ought), as in
You ought to know better.
You should treat me better.
I should have known better than that.
You shouldn't do that.

Avoid identifying or claiming causality or responsibility, as in
You make me feel bad...unloved....unhappy....helpless....
I do that because I love you.
You do that because you hate me.
If it weren't for that, I'd be much happier.
Penalties and Scoring
Infractions may be declared by either opponent. Self-monitoring
obviates a foul if performed before a foul is declared by the
opponent.

Penalties: an infracted opponent may utter one foul from the same
class, or from the name calling class, to which the infractor must
respond "Thanks, I needed that." :-)

Unpack compound structures to get to their offending components. For
example,

If you didn't always try to put me down, it wouldn't be so hard to be
around you.
You make me feel insecure about it because you can't stand to be
wrong.
Why do you feel you have to insult me like that?
When you make fun of me like that, I think you're just trying to get
back at me.
Award multiple penalty shots for each offense identified within a
compound structure.

The use of interpretations of behavior to infer qualities of person,
character, emotion, or motive are suspect, as in:

I have this feeling that you really want to get rid of me.
I feel like you're trying to embarass me/put me down....
I think you're basically neurotic/careless/cold-hearted.....
Oftentimes, it is difficult to describe an interpretation without
beginning with such structures, so interpretations such as the ones
above are not counted as infractions de facto. However, typically,
they must be carefully examined for intent. A common problem is
that "you really want to get rid of me," and the like, are not
really "feelings", but rather place holders for actual emotions like
fear or sadness. You must use your best judgement in these cases.


Declaring a Winner
There are usually 2 possible outcomes: both participants win or both
participants lose. The winners are able to identify their own
infractions and unpack them enough to identify their own emotions,
perceptions and thoughts and understand the view of their opponents.


Michael Grobe
Sometime during 1998



2.
http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/fighting/fighting.html#anc
hor102963


Fair Fighting: Ground rules
Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By
remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your
viewpoint.

Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and
honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication.
If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose
control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel
steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play
with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you.

Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to
work on.

Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics
until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect
where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing
anything to be resolved.

No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity
creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.

Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend
themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.

Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such
generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.

Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your
feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing.
Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.

Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over
time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with
numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to
deal with problems as they arise.

Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops
responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive
results can only be attained with two-way communication.

Establish common ground rules. You may even want to ask your partner-
in-conflict to read and discuss this brochure with you. When parties
accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict,
resolution becomes much more likely.

Fair Fighting: Step by Step...

To make the Fair Fighting ground rules effective in resolving a
specific conflict, use the following steps:

Step One: Before you begin, ask yourself, "What exactly is bothering
me? What do I want the other person to do or not do? Are my feelings
in proportion to the issue?"

Step two: Know what your goals are before you begin. What are the
possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you?

Step three: Remember that the idea is not to "win" but to come to a
mutually satisfying and peaceful solution to the problem.

Step four: Set a time for a discussion with your partner-in-conflict.
It should be as soon as possible but agreeable to both persons.
Springing something when another is unprepared may leave the other
person feeling that he or she has to fend off an attack. If you
encounter resistance to setting a time, try to help the other person
see that the problem is important to you.

Step five: State the problem clearly. At first, try to stick to the
facts; then, once you've stated the facts, state your feelings.
Use "I" messages to describe feelings of anger, hurt, or
disappointment. Avoid "you" messages such as "you make me angry...."


Step six: Invite your partner-in-conflict to share his or her point
of view, and use active listening skills. Be careful not to
interrupt, and genuinely try to hear his or her concerns and
feelings. If it seems helpful, try to restate what you have heard in
a way that lets your partner know you have fully understood, and ask
your partner to do the same for you.

Step seven: Try to take the other's perspective - that is, try to see
the problem through his or her eyes. The "opposing" viewpoint can
make sense even if you don't agree.

Step eight: Propose specific solutions, and invite the other person
to propose solutions, too.

Step nine: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each proposal.

Step ten: Be ready for some compromise. Allowing the other person
only one course of action will likely hinder resolution. When there
is agreement on a proposal for change, celebrate! Set a trial period
for the new behavior. At the end of the trial period, you can discuss
the possibility of modifying or continuing the change. If no solution
has been reached regarding the original problem, schedule a time to
begin the discussion again.


When Nothing Seems to Work

Sometimes, despite our best fair-fighting efforts, a disagreement or
conflict seems insurmountable. When this occurs, talking with a
trained professional can help. A trained mediator can help you
communicate more effectively and eventually work your way through to
a solution.


3. http://www.relate.gov.au/relationships/fair.html


Rules for fair fighting
No ambush
Make an appointment to talk: (a) for a certain time and place, (b)
for a certain issue.
Present your argument sensibly
As preparation for the discussion, work out for yourself exactly what
you want, and the reasons why you want it. Organise your arguments.
Be sure that what you are asking for is really what you desire.
Listen carefully to your partner
Every time your partner makes a point, restate the point in your own
words to make sure you understand exactly what your opponent means.
Before you respond to any point, check to be sure that you understand
how your partner feels. Ask questions.
Stick to the issue
Fight about no more than two related issues at a time. If side issues
are raised, these must be laid aside for another fight. Past history
is nearly always irrelevant. Don't pin labels or attributes on your
partner. ("You're always…")
Agree on what kind of behaviour is acceptable
This needs to be negotiated between the couple. Some possibilities
are: acceptable posture, (e.g. standing or sitting), tone of voice,
etc
Keep all blows above the belt
By the time a couple has spent some time together each knows the
sensitive areas of the other. They know just the area in which the
other can be hurt. Attacking these areas is a "foul". This assures
that the belt-line is not dishonestly set higher than need be.
Don't over react
While it is certainly appropriate and necessary to fight about
relatively minor issues so that they don't build up, do not fight
with more force than the issue warrants. Are you hiding larger
feelings behind something trivial?
If you can't settle the issues, table it for a later, specific and
agreed upon time
Often a complicated issue cannot be resolved in one setting. A
temporary truce can often be helpful in rethinking one's own
position, cooling off, or simply recovering from fatigue. Time and
place to resume the discussion should be agreed upon.
If you can agree, decide how to carry out your decision
Who will do what, is there a deadline?
If you later are dissatisfied with the decision, you must make an
appointment for another discussion
Back, G.R. & Wyden, (1968), The Intimate Enemy
Provided by Centacare


You know who you are, hope these help.

~benedizioni chiari e scuri~



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Wow
amydi1316
2005-07-08 13:35 (link)
I really agree with all the websites you linked too. if only everyone
could follow the simple rules of fair fighting, i think there would
possible be less divorces caused by petty things, but that's just in
my opinion. Thanks for sharing all those websites. God bless Skye

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