"You Can Be Your Own Counselor"

From You Can Be Free: An Easy-To-Read Handbook for
Abused Women by Ginny Nicarthy and Sue Davidson

Professionals can be lifesavers at times. But sooner or later, it's up to you to help yourself.( Read more... )

2893LJ is just full of Teh Crazy today

 

Feb. 3, 2005

 

 

UB and sineater's back and forth about how she appreciates how hard he is
working so hard to become teh man she wants him to be, and he knows
that she is the only person in teh world who loves and appreciates
him bla bla, sad sad.

And then here comes kaleon with his little nasty post.

[02 Feb 2005|08:30pm]
[ mood | thankful ]
[ music | DJ Cubert and the Skratchpickles ]

I am such a lucky man to have someone like Carol to spend time with.
She has never once pressured me into anything, nor has she ever guilt-
tripped me or brow-beat me. I know that I can share anything I want
with her without being afraid of what she'll say and I feel that if
either of us has a problem or finds something that the other one
likes to do that we don't, neither of us will try to force the other
one into partaking in it. She's also a wonderful editor, not letting
her own ego take control of her work and turning it into her work
instead of mine, instead preserving my own style foremost. It's
wonderful to have someone who will read over my stuff and fix the
problems that actually *need* fixing while leaving alone those things
that do not hinder the reader's understanding of the works but
instead defines a certain writer's style. I must say that she is the
least egotistical english major that I think I have ever met,
especially when you factor in that she is a wonderful graphic and
textural artist to boot. She spends time on her appearance on top of
all of this. I have yet to see her without a bra on in public and
without at least a hint of makeup on. She has confidence and pride in
herself and radiates that. She showers and bathes regularly, wears
beautiful things to bed that make me blush, and washes her clothes
before wearing them. To find someone who still takes such pride in
herself is a gift that I can not begin to be thankful enough for
after some of my past experiences. I can't wait till I can get down
there and see her again, (and see her gift she picked up for me at
victoria's secret too), touch her again, taste her, smell her and
wrap myself around her like a blanket in the winter wind.

2893LJ is just full of Teh Crazy today

Feb. 3, 2005

 

 

UB and sineater's back and forth about how she appreciates how hard he is
working so hard to become teh man she wants him to be, and he knows
that she is the only person in teh world who loves and appreciates
him bla bla, sad sad.

And then here comes Kaleon with his little nasty post.

[02 Feb 2005|08:30pm]
[ mood | thankful ]
[ music | DJ Cubert and the Skratchpickles ]

I am such a lucky man to have someone like Carol to spend time with.
She has never once pressured me into anything, nor has she ever guilt-
tripped me or brow-beat me. I know that I can share anything I want
with her without being afraid of what she'll say and I feel that if
either of us has a problem or finds something that the other one
likes to do that we don't, neither of us will try to force the other
one into partaking in it. She's also a wonderful editor, not letting
her own ego take control of her work and turning it into her work
instead of mine, instead preserving my own style foremost. It's
wonderful to have someone who will read over my stuff and fix the
problems that actually *need* fixing while leaving alone those things
that do not hinder the reader's understanding of the works but
instead defines a certain writer's style. I must say that she is the
least egotistical english major that I think I have ever met,
especially when you factor in that she is a wonderful graphic and
textural artist to boot. She spends time on her appearance on top of
all of this. I have yet to see her without a bra on in public and
without at least a hint of makeup on. She has confidence and pride in
herself and radiates that. She showers and bathes regularly, wears
beautiful things to bed that make me blush, and washes her clothes
before wearing them. To find someone who still takes such pride in
herself is a gift that I can not begin to be thankful enough for
after some of my past experiences. I can't wait till I can get down
there and see her again, (and see her gift she picked up for me at
victoria's secret too), touch her again, taste her, smell her and
wrap myself around her like a blanket in the winter wind.

2894Chapter 6, "But I Still Love Him/Her"

Feb. 3, 2005


[backdate to 1/26/2005]

From You Can Be Free: An Easy-To-Read Handbook for
Abused Women by Ginny Nicarthy and Sue Davidson

There are three kinds of love between couples. These are:

Romantic love
Addicting love
Nurturing love

At times, the three overlap. But they can be looked at separately,
too.

Which kind of love do you and your partner share? This exercise will
help you to find out. Put a check mark in front of each of
the following that seems true.

Activity 2 How Do You Love Each Other?

1. I could never love anyone else the way I love my partner.
2. Without my partner, I have nothing to live for.
3. I know exactly what it is about him I love.
4. I suppose I should be interested in other people and activities.
But I just want to be with my lover.
5. We help each other to explore new ideas.
6. Whenever I'm a few minutes late, she thinks I'm with another lover.
7. I wear my "rose colored glasses" and see only the best in him.
8. The thought of my lover being with anyone else makes me miserable.
9. I hope she never leaves me. But if it comes to that, I'll be okay.
10. He could never love another person the way he loves me.
11. Often, I feel better when I'm away from her. But then I call her
anyway.
12. I never let him see me without makeup or wearing curlers. I want
him always to see me at my best.
13. She brings out the best in me.
14. I don't know why I love him, I just do.
15. My partner has many of the qualities I value. They are qualities
I'm trying to develop in myself.
16. It's wonderful to spend time alone with my lover, and also
together with others. I also enjoy being by myself and with friends.
17. She's so special. I don't know why she's interested in an
ordinary person like me.
18. Without me, my lover has nothing to live for.
19. My partner wants me to feel good whether I'm with her or not.
20. This time s/he means it. S/he's really going to change.
21. My lover wants to know where I am every minute. That's how I know
s/he loves me.
22. I like to hear about the good times my partner has with other
people.

ROMANTIC LOVE

Romantic love is supposed to be magic. It's supposed to go like this:
Two people meet. They know at once hat they were made for each other.
They weren't meant for anybody else in the world. There's nothing
they can do about it. They are helpless in the face of their love.

These ideas are very popular. We hear songs about them. We read
stories about them and see movies about them.

Look at your responses to 1, 7, 10, 12, 14, 17. The more you
checked, the more romantic your ideas about love are. To keep them,
you have to hid a lot from yourself. And from your lover.

You are deeply in love with the idea of your lover. You don't want
the idea to be shaken by his/her real behavior. Never mind the facts.
S/he's wonderful. You're perfect for each other. S/he'll stop the
cruelty soon. The magic of your love will go on and on.

ADDICTIVE LOVE

Romantic love can be experienced as a kind of "high." For some
people, this is not dangerous. It's not dangerous for a person who
likes him/herself. It's not dangerous for one who values other
friends and interests. If her lover stops loving her, she'll mourn
for a while. But her entire world won't fall to pieces.

But some people place a low value on themselves and their interests.
love overwhelms everything else in their lives. For such a person,
romantic love can cross over into addiction. The world shrinks to
nothing but need for the lover. S/he'll be certain s/he can't live
without that person's love. S/he'll put up with anything, just to
keep it.

Life may become an addictive cycle. There is the "high" when her need
for him is fulfilled. Then comes the "downer" when the "supply" is
removed. S/he is completely dependent on getting the supply. S/he
can't get it from anyone else.

Sometimes the abuser, too, feels that s/he can't live without the
partner. They are addicted to each other. People who batter
are even more dangerous when they are addicted to their victim. They
may go to any lengths to keep their lover from leaving.

Did you check 6, 18, 21? These indicate that the abuser is addicted
to you. Did you check 2,4, 8, 11, 20? Checks for these reflect your
addiction to your abuser.

NURTURING LOVE

Nurturing love is the opposite of addictive love. It promotes growth
and strength rather than dependence. It is based on real appreciation
of teh loved one's good traits. But neither partner has to pretend
that the other has no flaws.

Nurturing love helps each partner to improve. It expands the world of
each. It does not cut off other relationships and interests.

Look at your responses to 3,5,9,13,15,16,19,22. The more of these
you checked, the more nurturing your love is. The man in such a
relationship may sometimes get angry at his partner. (So may the
woman.) But he would not abuse his partner.

CAN YOU LEAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE?

Loving an abusive person makes it hard to leave, but not impossible.
The most loving thing may be to separate, even if it's temporary.
Nobody wants their loved one to continue a round of violence. If teh
relationship is also an addictive one, your course is clear. You'll
ned help to end it immediately and totally.

If you want to leave, you'll need to give up certain romantic ideas.
These are ideas like: "S/he's the only one who can give me what I
need." "I'll never find another person to love." "My life's not worth
living if I don't have love all the time.

2895a first

2895a first



evilE
Feb. 3, 2005


Skye_ds called at 4 to see if I needed her to bring me anything on her
way home from work

That was nice of her.