"You Can Be Your Own Counselor"
Feb. 3rd, 2005 03:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileFrom You Can Be Free: An Easy-To-Read Handbook for
Abused Women by Ginny Nicarthy and Sue Davidson
Professionals can be lifesavers at times. But sooner or later, it's up to you to help yourself.
Right now, you may feel that you are the last person you can count on. You feel confused. Depressed. Uncertain of what you want to do. Your will to act seems paralyzed. Sometimes you think you're going crazy.
None of that needs to last forever. You can help yourself, even while you're still confused. You've already begun--by reading this book.
You can begin to make changes in the way you think about yourself. Through these changes, you can find the strength to act.
CHANGING THE WAY YOU TALK TO YOURSELF
An abused person gets a lot of verbal abuse. Usually a person can't take this for long without being affected. S/he begins to agree with what's being said about him/her. S/he starts saying the same things to him/herself.
All of us give ourselves messages. We can give ourselves messages that help us. But we can also say things to ourselves that lead to failure:
"You don't deserve nice clothes. You're too fat and ugly."
"You're helpless and stupid and can't take care of yourself."
"Nothing is ever going to turn out right for you."
If you give yourself messages like these, your life probably won't get better. You may promise yourself that you'll make it better. But you also go on telling yourself that you're a hopeless mess. So if you're hopeless, how can you make your life better?
You can begin by changing the messages you give yourself. Maybe you can't change the abuser. But at least you can stop abusing yourself! The exercises below will help you treat yourself better.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF?
It's important that you put your thoughts on paper. That way you can see your thoughts. Seeing them will help you face them and do something about them. If they remain silent, you might pretend they aren't there, or don't matter.
List your self-criticisms exactly as you think them: "Dummy!" "Oh, my god, you screwed up again." Some may be single words: "fat," "ugly," "stupid," "hopeless," Others may be whole sentences or paragraphs:
"You dimwit! You really are a hopeless fool. You ruin everything you touch! You never learn. You keep saying you'll reform, but you won't. You're ugly. You're fat, too, because you don't have any willpower."
Activity 5 Self-criticism List
1. ________________________________________________________
2. ________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________________
5. _______________________________________________________
6. _______________________________________________________
7. _______________________________________________________
8. _______________________________________________________
9. _______________________________________________________
10. _______________________________________________________
You may talk to yourself this way, silently, often. And it's even wrose than if another person were doing it. Other people speak to you out loud. You know what they say. You can talk back. But if the criticisms are silent, you may never answer them. They go on tearing you down.
Once you know what you're saying to yourself, you can change it. The next section deals with that.
GENERAL STATEMENTS AND FACTUAL STATEMENTS
Many of your self-criticisms are general statements. A general statement is about the kind of person you think you are. An example would be: "You're stupid."
A factual statement is about a particular fact. It may be something you did. Examples would be: "You made a mistake," or "You overslept." It may be about something that happened. For example: "Your car broke down."
The two kinds of statements have very different effects. "You're stupid." leaves no room for change. Compare that with the statement: "You made a mistake." This statement allows for the possibility that you are not stupid. You can change the way you act and what you do. Even smart people do stupid things from time to time. Everybody makes mistakes.
The following exercise will help yo ureplace general statements with factual ones. It first gives an example in which a person does these things:
1. Accuses self of being stupid.
2. Writes it down.
3. Analyzes the self-criticism and sees that it refers to one fact.
4. States what happened: s/he burned the toast.
Write down your own statements. Then replace them with what actually happened.
Activity 6 Replacement List
Self-critical Statment ///// What Happened
1. You're sure stupid ///// burned the toast.
2. Oh, my god, you're ///// ate double ice cream cone
never going to change, you'll
always be a fat, useless slob.
3. ______________________________ __________________________
4. ______________________________ ____________________________
5. ______________________________ _____________________________
A simple statement of "what happened" isn't a statement of blame. It reduces the guilt, anxiety, and depression that go with self-blame.
Doing the exercise can help free you from self-blame. Then you can think clearly about the behavior you don't like. You can think of ways to change the things you do.
Do the exercise every day. Replace every general statement with a fact. Keep doing it until you can do it without even trying. This may take several weeks. But after a while, your inner talk will change. It may go something like this: "Well fatty, you did it again!...Whoops! I mean...let's see, what did I do? Correction: I had potatoes and gravy."
Before long, you'll be skipping right over the "Well, fatty" remarks. You'll replace them with a simple statement of what you ate.
WHAT DID YOU DO RIGHT TODAY?
Abused people often find it hard to think of anything they've done right. How can you get control over your life, if you do nothing right? You need to start noticing the things you do that deserve credit.
Here are some ideas about what you can take credit for:
Making things better for someone else. Did you listen to someone's troubles? Control your temper with your child? Shop for a sick friend? Prepare a meal? Smile at someone who looked lonely?
Starting to get more control over your life. Did you make a decision? Make a phone call to get information? Begin learning to drive? Stay away from a destructive person?
Making yourself feel better. Did you take time to look at the sunset? Take a long bubble bath? Walk for the fun of it? Play cards with a good friend? Go out an dlisten to music?
Make a list of all the things you did right today. They don't have to be a big deal. When you're feeling low, a small effort is worth a lot.
Suppose today you decided to take up jogging. Maybe you didn't get any farther than one block. But you got up off your chair. You got some exercise. You made a step in the direction of change. You deserve to give yourself credit for that.
Each item you add to your list will strengthen you. The list shows that you've already done some worthwhile thngs. You'll gain courage to try more of them. You'll begin to get a sense of what is possible.
Abused Women by Ginny Nicarthy and Sue Davidson
Professionals can be lifesavers at times. But sooner or later, it's up to you to help yourself.
Right now, you may feel that you are the last person you can count on. You feel confused. Depressed. Uncertain of what you want to do. Your will to act seems paralyzed. Sometimes you think you're going crazy.
None of that needs to last forever. You can help yourself, even while you're still confused. You've already begun--by reading this book.
You can begin to make changes in the way you think about yourself. Through these changes, you can find the strength to act.
An abused person gets a lot of verbal abuse. Usually a person can't take this for long without being affected. S/he begins to agree with what's being said about him/her. S/he starts saying the same things to him/herself.
All of us give ourselves messages. We can give ourselves messages that help us. But we can also say things to ourselves that lead to failure:
"You don't deserve nice clothes. You're too fat and ugly."
"You're helpless and stupid and can't take care of yourself."
"Nothing is ever going to turn out right for you."
If you give yourself messages like these, your life probably won't get better. You may promise yourself that you'll make it better. But you also go on telling yourself that you're a hopeless mess. So if you're hopeless, how can you make your life better?
You can begin by changing the messages you give yourself. Maybe you can't change the abuser. But at least you can stop abusing yourself! The exercises below will help you treat yourself better.
It's important that you put your thoughts on paper. That way you can see your thoughts. Seeing them will help you face them and do something about them. If they remain silent, you might pretend they aren't there, or don't matter.
List your self-criticisms exactly as you think them: "Dummy!" "Oh, my god, you screwed up again." Some may be single words: "fat," "ugly," "stupid," "hopeless," Others may be whole sentences or paragraphs:
"You dimwit! You really are a hopeless fool. You ruin everything you touch! You never learn. You keep saying you'll reform, but you won't. You're ugly. You're fat, too, because you don't have any willpower."
Activity 5 Self-criticism List
1. ________________________________________________________
2. ________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________________
5. _______________________________________________________
6. _______________________________________________________
7. _______________________________________________________
8. _______________________________________________________
9. _______________________________________________________
10. _______________________________________________________
You may talk to yourself this way, silently, often. And it's even wrose than if another person were doing it. Other people speak to you out loud. You know what they say. You can talk back. But if the criticisms are silent, you may never answer them. They go on tearing you down.
Once you know what you're saying to yourself, you can change it. The next section deals with that.
Many of your self-criticisms are general statements. A general statement is about the kind of person you think you are. An example would be: "You're stupid."
A factual statement is about a particular fact. It may be something you did. Examples would be: "You made a mistake," or "You overslept." It may be about something that happened. For example: "Your car broke down."
The two kinds of statements have very different effects. "You're stupid." leaves no room for change. Compare that with the statement: "You made a mistake." This statement allows for the possibility that you are not stupid. You can change the way you act and what you do. Even smart people do stupid things from time to time. Everybody makes mistakes.
The following exercise will help yo ureplace general statements with factual ones. It first gives an example in which a person does these things:
1. Accuses self of being stupid.
2. Writes it down.
3. Analyzes the self-criticism and sees that it refers to one fact.
4. States what happened: s/he burned the toast.
Write down your own statements. Then replace them with what actually happened.
Activity 6 Replacement List
Self-critical Statment ///// What Happened
1. You're sure stupid ///// burned the toast.
2. Oh, my god, you're ///// ate double ice cream cone
never going to change, you'll
always be a fat, useless slob.
3. ______________________________ __________________________
4. ______________________________ ____________________________
5. ______________________________ _____________________________
A simple statement of "what happened" isn't a statement of blame. It reduces the guilt, anxiety, and depression that go with self-blame.
Doing the exercise can help free you from self-blame. Then you can think clearly about the behavior you don't like. You can think of ways to change the things you do.
Do the exercise every day. Replace every general statement with a fact. Keep doing it until you can do it without even trying. This may take several weeks. But after a while, your inner talk will change. It may go something like this: "Well fatty, you did it again!...Whoops! I mean...let's see, what did I do? Correction: I had potatoes and gravy."
Before long, you'll be skipping right over the "Well, fatty" remarks. You'll replace them with a simple statement of what you ate.
Abused people often find it hard to think of anything they've done right. How can you get control over your life, if you do nothing right? You need to start noticing the things you do that deserve credit.
Here are some ideas about what you can take credit for:
Making things better for someone else. Did you listen to someone's troubles? Control your temper with your child? Shop for a sick friend? Prepare a meal? Smile at someone who looked lonely?
Starting to get more control over your life. Did you make a decision? Make a phone call to get information? Begin learning to drive? Stay away from a destructive person?
Making yourself feel better. Did you take time to look at the sunset? Take a long bubble bath? Walk for the fun of it? Play cards with a good friend? Go out an dlisten to music?
Make a list of all the things you did right today. They don't have to be a big deal. When you're feeling low, a small effort is worth a lot.
Suppose today you decided to take up jogging. Maybe you didn't get any farther than one block. But you got up off your chair. You got some exercise. You made a step in the direction of change. You deserve to give yourself credit for that.
Each item you add to your list will strengthen you. The list shows that you've already done some worthwhile thngs. You'll gain courage to try more of them. You'll begin to get a sense of what is possible.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-03 10:36 pm (UTC)you're welcome!
Date: 2005-02-03 11:23 pm (UTC)There are many people in the world who will say ugly things to you and about you, there's no reason for you to say them about yourself.
XO!
Re: you're welcome!
Date: 2005-02-04 02:23 pm (UTC)I will be in town tonight - my cell # is 214-284-8855. I will be crashing over at Sharjinka's
Re: you're welcome!
Date: 2005-02-04 02:29 pm (UTC)I have to get up early-ish tomorrow a.m. (8) for Yoga.
What are y'all doing tonight?
I was thinking of going to a bellydance show tonight at 8 at Casa de Luz, interested?