2894Chapter 6, "But I Still Love Him/Her"
Feb. 3rd, 2005 05:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileFeb. 3, 2005
[backdate to 1/26/2005]
From You Can Be Free: An Easy-To-Read Handbook for
Abused Women by Ginny Nicarthy and Sue Davidson
There are three kinds of love between couples. These are:
Romantic love
Addicting love
Nurturing love
At times, the three overlap. But they can be looked at separately,
too.
Which kind of love do you and your partner share? This exercise will
help you to find out. Put a check mark in front of each of
the following that seems true.
Activity 2 How Do You Love Each Other?
1. I could never love anyone else the way I love my partner.
2. Without my partner, I have nothing to live for.
3. I know exactly what it is about him I love.
4. I suppose I should be interested in other people and activities.
But I just want to be with my lover.
5. We help each other to explore new ideas.
6. Whenever I'm a few minutes late, she thinks I'm with another lover.
7. I wear my "rose colored glasses" and see only the best in him.
8. The thought of my lover being with anyone else makes me miserable.
9. I hope she never leaves me. But if it comes to that, I'll be okay.
10. He could never love another person the way he loves me.
11. Often, I feel better when I'm away from her. But then I call her
anyway.
12. I never let him see me without makeup or wearing curlers. I want
him always to see me at my best.
13. She brings out the best in me.
14. I don't know why I love him, I just do.
15. My partner has many of the qualities I value. They are qualities
I'm trying to develop in myself.
16. It's wonderful to spend time alone with my lover, and also
together with others. I also enjoy being by myself and with friends.
17. She's so special. I don't know why she's interested in an
ordinary person like me.
18. Without me, my lover has nothing to live for.
19. My partner wants me to feel good whether I'm with her or not.
20. This time s/he means it. S/he's really going to change.
21. My lover wants to know where I am every minute. That's how I know
s/he loves me.
22. I like to hear about the good times my partner has with other
people.
ROMANTIC LOVE
Romantic love is supposed to be magic. It's supposed to go like this:
Two people meet. They know at once hat they were made for each other.
They weren't meant for anybody else in the world. There's nothing
they can do about it. They are helpless in the face of their love.
These ideas are very popular. We hear songs about them. We read
stories about them and see movies about them.
Look at your responses to 1, 7, 10, 12, 14, 17. The more you
checked, the more romantic your ideas about love are. To keep them,
you have to hid a lot from yourself. And from your lover.
You are deeply in love with the idea of your lover. You don't want
the idea to be shaken by his/her real behavior. Never mind the facts.
S/he's wonderful. You're perfect for each other. S/he'll stop the
cruelty soon. The magic of your love will go on and on.
ADDICTIVE LOVE
Romantic love can be experienced as a kind of "high." For some
people, this is not dangerous. It's not dangerous for a person who
likes him/herself. It's not dangerous for one who values other
friends and interests. If her lover stops loving her, she'll mourn
for a while. But her entire world won't fall to pieces.
But some people place a low value on themselves and their interests.
love overwhelms everything else in their lives. For such a person,
romantic love can cross over into addiction. The world shrinks to
nothing but need for the lover. S/he'll be certain s/he can't live
without that person's love. S/he'll put up with anything, just to
keep it.
Life may become an addictive cycle. There is the "high" when her need
for him is fulfilled. Then comes the "downer" when the "supply" is
removed. S/he is completely dependent on getting the supply. S/he
can't get it from anyone else.
Sometimes the abuser, too, feels that s/he can't live without the
partner. They are addicted to each other. People who batter
are even more dangerous when they are addicted to their victim. They
may go to any lengths to keep their lover from leaving.
Did you check 6, 18, 21? These indicate that the abuser is addicted
to you. Did you check 2,4, 8, 11, 20? Checks for these reflect your
addiction to your abuser.
NURTURING LOVE
Nurturing love is the opposite of addictive love. It promotes growth
and strength rather than dependence. It is based on real appreciation
of teh loved one's good traits. But neither partner has to pretend
that the other has no flaws.
Nurturing love helps each partner to improve. It expands the world of
each. It does not cut off other relationships and interests.
Look at your responses to 3,5,9,13,15,16,19,22. The more of these
you checked, the more nurturing your love is. The man in such a
relationship may sometimes get angry at his partner. (So may the
woman.) But he would not abuse his partner.
CAN YOU LEAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE?
Loving an abusive person makes it hard to leave, but not impossible.
The most loving thing may be to separate, even if it's temporary.
Nobody wants their loved one to continue a round of violence. If teh
relationship is also an addictive one, your course is clear. You'll
ned help to end it immediately and totally.
If you want to leave, you'll need to give up certain romantic ideas.
These are ideas like: "S/he's the only one who can give me what I
need." "I'll never find another person to love." "My life's not worth
living if I don't have love all the time.
[backdate to 1/26/2005]
From You Can Be Free: An Easy-To-Read Handbook for
Abused Women by Ginny Nicarthy and Sue Davidson
There are three kinds of love between couples. These are:
Romantic love
Addicting love
Nurturing love
At times, the three overlap. But they can be looked at separately,
too.
Which kind of love do you and your partner share? This exercise will
help you to find out. Put a check mark in front of each of
the following that seems true.
1. I could never love anyone else the way I love my partner.
2. Without my partner, I have nothing to live for.
3. I know exactly what it is about him I love.
4. I suppose I should be interested in other people and activities.
But I just want to be with my lover.
5. We help each other to explore new ideas.
6. Whenever I'm a few minutes late, she thinks I'm with another lover.
7. I wear my "rose colored glasses" and see only the best in him.
8. The thought of my lover being with anyone else makes me miserable.
9. I hope she never leaves me. But if it comes to that, I'll be okay.
10. He could never love another person the way he loves me.
11. Often, I feel better when I'm away from her. But then I call her
anyway.
12. I never let him see me without makeup or wearing curlers. I want
him always to see me at my best.
13. She brings out the best in me.
14. I don't know why I love him, I just do.
15. My partner has many of the qualities I value. They are qualities
I'm trying to develop in myself.
16. It's wonderful to spend time alone with my lover, and also
together with others. I also enjoy being by myself and with friends.
17. She's so special. I don't know why she's interested in an
ordinary person like me.
18. Without me, my lover has nothing to live for.
19. My partner wants me to feel good whether I'm with her or not.
20. This time s/he means it. S/he's really going to change.
21. My lover wants to know where I am every minute. That's how I know
s/he loves me.
22. I like to hear about the good times my partner has with other
people.
Romantic love is supposed to be magic. It's supposed to go like this:
Two people meet. They know at once hat they were made for each other.
They weren't meant for anybody else in the world. There's nothing
they can do about it. They are helpless in the face of their love.
These ideas are very popular. We hear songs about them. We read
stories about them and see movies about them.
Look at your responses to 1, 7, 10, 12, 14, 17. The more you
checked, the more romantic your ideas about love are. To keep them,
you have to hid a lot from yourself. And from your lover.
You are deeply in love with the idea of your lover. You don't want
the idea to be shaken by his/her real behavior. Never mind the facts.
S/he's wonderful. You're perfect for each other. S/he'll stop the
cruelty soon. The magic of your love will go on and on.
Romantic love can be experienced as a kind of "high." For some
people, this is not dangerous. It's not dangerous for a person who
likes him/herself. It's not dangerous for one who values other
friends and interests. If her lover stops loving her, she'll mourn
for a while. But her entire world won't fall to pieces.
But some people place a low value on themselves and their interests.
love overwhelms everything else in their lives. For such a person,
romantic love can cross over into addiction. The world shrinks to
nothing but need for the lover. S/he'll be certain s/he can't live
without that person's love. S/he'll put up with anything, just to
keep it.
Life may become an addictive cycle. There is the "high" when her need
for him is fulfilled. Then comes the "downer" when the "supply" is
removed. S/he is completely dependent on getting the supply. S/he
can't get it from anyone else.
Sometimes the abuser, too, feels that s/he can't live without the
partner. They are addicted to each other. People who batter
are even more dangerous when they are addicted to their victim. They
may go to any lengths to keep their lover from leaving.
Did you check 6, 18, 21? These indicate that the abuser is addicted
to you. Did you check 2,4, 8, 11, 20? Checks for these reflect your
addiction to your abuser.
Nurturing love is the opposite of addictive love. It promotes growth
and strength rather than dependence. It is based on real appreciation
of teh loved one's good traits. But neither partner has to pretend
that the other has no flaws.
Nurturing love helps each partner to improve. It expands the world of
each. It does not cut off other relationships and interests.
Look at your responses to 3,5,9,13,15,16,19,22. The more of these
you checked, the more nurturing your love is. The man in such a
relationship may sometimes get angry at his partner. (So may the
woman.) But he would not abuse his partner.
Loving an abusive person makes it hard to leave, but not impossible.
The most loving thing may be to separate, even if it's temporary.
Nobody wants their loved one to continue a round of violence. If teh
relationship is also an addictive one, your course is clear. You'll
ned help to end it immediately and totally.
If you want to leave, you'll need to give up certain romantic ideas.
These are ideas like: "S/he's the only one who can give me what I
need." "I'll never find another person to love." "My life's not worth
living if I don't have love all the time.
