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Jan. 21st, 2005
Jan. 21, 2005
And, now, The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare):
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
(my friend danicia had this in her LiveJournal this a.m. but no credit
to the original author)
I had a dream about watching a movie based on some 80's cop show that
as far as I know, never existed. The main character was an older cop
guy named "Cougar" who killed bad guys and left flaming destruction
in his wake. He had some clever line about "hostile work environment"
that I then used at my real work (I hate HATE dreaming about being at
work...in this one, I was somehow at work in my PJ's and my desk was
in the front office where people came into the building. ugh.) I
liked the line, though, even though I can't remember it now. Oh well.
Happy Friday, and let's win the lotto so we don't have to come back!
EJ - Emotional abuse checklist
Jan. 21st, 2005 01:14 pm
Jan. 21, 2005
I posted a questionnaire/checklist on my livejournal where I hope
Sineater will see it. It's to see if you're in an emotionally abusive
relationship. I wish there was some way for Brother A to see it, too.
*sigh* I went to the library yesterday after work, to get a book
called "How to be an anchor in the storm" or something, but even
though the computer catalog said it was there, it wasn't. :( Oh well.
I got a couple of other books on abusive relationships and I hope I
can glean some useful info on how to stand by the person being
abused. The way it always turns out now, you say something and the
person unites with the abuser against your well-meaning, loving self.
It sucks so much ASS.
http://thingsarelookinup.com/Abuse/test.shtml
Jan. 21, 2005
more websites:
http://www.lacasainc.org/abuse.html
http://www.endingviolence.com/Violence%20And%20Abuse%
20Checklist.pdf#search='abuse%20checklist'
http://www.physics.uwo.ca/~harwood/abuse.htm
http://www.uno.edu/~vawp/Abusechecklist.htm
http://www.sylviasplace.com/checklist.html
**--checklist AND plan!!**
http://peekabooicu2.50megs.com/checklist-planning.html
female abusers:
http://www.dvmen.org/dv-20.htm
http://www.drirene.com/anatomy_of_abuse.htm
http://www.shatterdmen.com/whynotreported.htm
Jan. 21, 2005
from J-Law:
That's interesting re: the abuse test. I am certainly not a
professional, but I think the best thing for the loved ones of those
in abusive relationships is to try to curb one's instinct to fix
things. No matter how well-intentioned you are, you really would be
interfering in something you don't fully understand. Sure, you're
very observant, perceptive, and intelligent. There are many, many
good books and other resources out there. But I think that, at the
heart of every relationship, whether abusive or not, there is some
key bond that the outsider can't reach. I think this might be
especially true in abusive relationships, in which neither party
wants to have to reveal this dark thing to anyone else. They push
people away because they don't want help, or don't think they need
it, and, in some cases, they push people away because they are
ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of judgment.
There are two emotional dynamics here - one is obviously the abusive
relationship itself, which you can't really do anything about. The
other is your relationship with the person/people involved. That is
where you should focus your efforts. Be friendly, open and
available. But try not to become tangled up in their situation. Not
only will it not work/help, it is not healthy for you.
Jan. 21, 2005
evilE wrote:
I think shame is probably a huge factor, esp. in
males
being abused by women. And you are exactly right,
focus on my relationship with the victim, not the
abuser and victim relationship, or trying to fix it.
hard. But I can do it. I think I did real good when
I
helped Sineater during his surgery last week. Now I just
need to follow up with phone calls and doing what I
can to spend time with him.
I am going to have to give Brother A a bit of distance
for
a while longer, though...things there are so raw for
me, I don't know if I can put a smileyface on
it...and
I've always been, with him, the big sis who goes
wading in, cussin like a sailor and handing out
black
eyes and kicks in the nuts to all the little shits
who
were fucking with him at any given time. So I don't
know how to adapt that to our adult relationship...
============
--- J-Law wrote:
I think you have done very, very good with Sineater, UB,
and their relationship. It might help you to
examine the elements of that goodness, and what
about them makes it a little easier for you to be
good. Maybe you can apply some of that re: Brother A.
You are probably right - the big stumbling block is
that you have been Brother A's protector in the past.
It's your role, your job. Brother A is, in many ways,
still very much a kid. I think he sees himself that
way and wants to strike out and be a grown up.
Unfortunately, with his precipitous "marriage," he
is trying to do it all at once, and in a very risky
way. You still see him as a kid in some ways,
largely because he persists in acting like one.
That triggers your protective instincts. Even
though he isn't doing terribly well at being a grown
up, your protective instincts clash with his desire
to break out and do his own thing.
=====================
evilE wrote:
You've given me a lot of good things to think about
with the brother-situation(s). Thanks so much. Stepdad
said something similar--ie: I can bite my tongue with
UB in order to be there for Sineater, so why can't I do
the same for Brother A?... For whatever reasons, I don't
know if I was ready to hear it, or if he just said it
in a way that pissed me off, it didn't 'take' when he
said it, but you said it in a way that makes me stop
and think. So, thanks very much for that. I love you
and I respect your tactful-yet-unflinching ways.
=========
J-Law:
I am very glad I could help on the sibling front. It's hard to see
your way through these emotionally-charged family situations. I
agree with you about Stepdad - I am sure he didn't mean to piss you off,
but it is entirely possible that it just wasn't the right place,
time, etc. to have a talk about this. Looking back over our email
exchange, it seems to me that you've already been thinking along
these lines. I just gave you a little nudge and some ideas. :)
Good luck, Love!
J-Law
2851icq w/A
Jan. 21st, 2005 01:18 pmJan. 21, 2005
SkyeDS: hola
evile: hi! TGIF!
SkyeDS: amen sister
evile: good plans for the weekend? Or just relaxin?
SkyeDS: fix plumbing and dry wall damage to trailer
SkyeDS: hope to god there's time to ride or something else after that
evile: *nod*
evile: I tried to use AIM 'express' again today, but the screen ws
totally different from last time I used it, I couldn't tell who was
on and who wasn't.
SkyeDS: lol IMs suck when they don't work :)
evile: yup
SkyeDS: spent time yesterday at shimmyshimmy and doi ya mazika (sigh,
drool)
evile: *nodnod*
evile: anything in particular tickling your fancy these days?
SkyeDS: <sheepish> all of it?
evile: Oh, ok then :)
SkyeDS: shimmyshimmy is having a jewelry sale, they have harem pants
and cholis I like, but not in my size. Doi ya mazika makes things to
order, they have nice cholis.
evile: I'm still really digging the tribal/kuchi stuff.
SkyeDS: oh ya, love kuchi everything
SkyeDS: want a kuchi belt
evile: those are very pretty :)
SkyeDS: Laura's daughter Michelle dances at Haflas. She got great
kuchis on sale last Gulf War.
evile: cool!
SkyeDS: would like to put some on the horses' barding if I could
figure out how without messing it up
evile: hm.
evile: probably involve taking the jewelry apart with pliers.
SkyeDS: was thinking two belts. one for me, one to attach around
neck or to existing collar.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: or to back of saddle as breeching
SkyeDS: but too expensive right now, for either me or barding
evile: yup...there is that.
SkyeDS: I'm making a list in my head of the stuff I like at Shimmy
shimmy because I bet Thax could make it for me, in 22 extra fat
SkyeDS: plus there are patterns out there that can be modified
evile: *nod*
evile: definitely need to put Thax to work
SkyeDS: will have to wait until the trailer is gone. we're going to
take a massive hit on it, no way around it.
evile: that sucks.
SkyeDS: as Hugh says, no good deed goes unpunished.
evile: aint it the truth
SkyeDS: this is what I get, for paying double min pymts on credit
cards, paying the mortgage on the 8 acres, paying for all gas food
and entertainment in cash, and putting away 5 - 10% of our combined
income in savings every month
SkyeDS: my savings, and the credit balances, completely wiped out.
evile: otoh, at least you had savings to deal with the crisis, as
opposed to charging or borrowing?
SkyeDS: for the first time :)
evile: yeah, it sucks...but arguably you're getting better at
managing crises?
SkyeDS: Sineater is off at war with the employers that have screwed him
around every which way but loose
SkyeDS: and if they continue, we will find him something else, and go
on
evile: yucko. poor Sineater. How's his hand?
SkyeDS: as long as he keeps it elevated, I think it's okay.
evile: *nod* good.
SkyeDS: it's not being able to take antihistamines that's killing him
evile: ooh, yuck. poor thing.
SkyeDS: sudafed and excedrin are all I need, but he needs his
benadryl and he can't have it
evile: ginger tea & candy can help with congestion.
SkyeDS: if we could get dayquil on tap in the house, I'd do it
evile: eugh.
evile: makes me too spacey. (not that I need much help some days)
SkyeDS: I saw a bright shiny perfect red convertible Ghia on the road
yesterday and thought of Sweetie.
evile: it could have been him :)
SkyeDS: it was a custom job, could just barely tell it was a Ghia
with the mods
evile: oh, Sweetie would be horrified, then.
evile: He is all about original.
evile: He took her out last night to the Dog & Duck
SkyeDS: I miss that place
evile: Just realised PNO classic is Sunday
SkyeDS: ya
SkyeDS: if we're still in town by then that's a thought, depending on
the weather
evile: it's supposed to get down to 30 Sunday night. I imagine it'll
be chilly by evening.
SkyeDS: :|
evile: but clear, no precipitation on the forecast
evile: It's only supposed to get up to 48 during the day Sunday.
Might be a little chilly for a picnic. But OK for a really brisk
outdoor hike/walk.
SkyeDS: I so do not like cold
evile: I don't mind it so much. wet is my least fave
SkyeDS: ya. I can deal with cold, wet or wind by themselves, any
combination thereof sucks.
evile: yup
evile: I guess the drandmir folks will be out at Mckinney all
weekend, or do you think they'll be at san gabriel park Sunday?
SkyeDS: I honestly have no clue. Jinx won't be because she's
moving.
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: wouldn't surprise me if one or two diehards weren't out there
by themselves
evile: *nod* probably not anybody I'd know, though
SkyeDS: the usual politics are starting up
evile: oh?
SkyeDS: HFS because CRW is upcoming
SkyeDS: and SCA because the kingdom is forcing another shire to merge
with us, and they don't want to
evile: oh..suck.
evile: I need to go to the Post office this afternoon for my 2:30
break time. be back soon!
evile: i'm back. that took a bit longer than expected
evile: only one lady in front of me, but with a bunch of boxes. she
ran out to her car for more once she had the first ones ready to go.
SkyeDS: ick
evile: admittedly, I'd rather be at the post office than here, so it
was fine.
evile: the good news is that spending half an hour at the po helped
me put off getting my quota just a little bit longer, less boredom &
makework at the end of the day.
SkyeDS: silver linings :)
evile: yup!
SkyeDS: me not quite so stupid sometimes
evile: I dont' think you're stupid at all.
SkyeDS: just enlisted Sharjinka's assistance with demo-ing and then
playtesting our games.
SkyeDS: that should get the attention of the appropriate powers.
evile: cool.
SkyeDS: CRW is 4th of July weekend at Bastrop SP
SkyeDS: bad weekend, bad place
evile: *shrug*
SkyeDS: told her if we weren't committed elsewhere, I would see if I
could arrange a daytrip in connection with a ride at McKinney Roughs
evile: cool.
SkyeDS: if they were going with an SP I don't know why it wasn't
Somerville
evile: farther away from whoever the main organizer is?
SkyeDS: they're always bitching about the size of the feasthall and
the other facilities, and Somerville has the biggest Feasthall of any
SP
SkyeDS: there's not a 100 mile distance between Bastrop and
Somerville
SkyeDS: <shrug>
SkyeDS: matter of fact more like 20 or 30 mile distance
evile: maybe they couldn't get a res. there. Usually with SPs you
have to reserve a year in advance
SkyeDS: and the "main organizer" didn't even do his own organizing,
he ran Jinx ragged doing it for him.
evile: that sucks.
SkyeDS: Somerville is extremely popular
SkyeDS: and their busy season ends on July 4 weekend
evile: wow
SkyeDS: and they may have said no if the desire was to rent the
entire park out
SkyeDS: what I think is funny, is, every year, the new Crat ALWAYS
says, Imina find a better site than this last one
SkyeDS: and it DOESN'T happen
evile: yup
SkyeDS: I told the Morconor kids I'd help them revitalize their shire
SkyeDS: not just with the new games, but with bardics, events, etc.
evile: fun.
SkyeDS: I can do more than just ride herd on the zoo
evile: yup
SkyeDS: used to be people were surprised to find out I could do
anything besides play and sing
SkyeDS: now they're surprised to find that I play and sing, and not
just ride
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I told them we should throw our own War
SkyeDS: don't eevn have to call it War
SkyeDS: could call it Faire
evile: that sounds like fun.
SkyeDS: especially if you wanted to emphasize A&S as well as
stickjockeys
SkyeDS: it's jsut that everybody calls it war...Amtgard, SCA, etc
SkyeDS: I don't want to just armchair quarterback.
SkyeDS: I DO think I could do better, with the right help
evile: yup
evile: mostly what I can see, majority is not much interested in
anything except beating on one another.
evile: Time for me to hit the bricks. Hope you have a productive
weekend!