EJ - Emotional abuse checklist

[evile]

 

 

2847emotional abuse checklist

 

 

Jan. 21, 2005

 

 

I posted a questionnaire/checklist on my livejournal where I hope
Sineater will see it. It's to see if you're in an emotionally abusive
relationship. I wish there was some way for Brother A to see it, too.
*sigh* I went to the library yesterday after work, to get a book
called "How to be an anchor in the storm" or something, but even
though the computer catalog said it was there, it wasn't. :( Oh well.
I got a couple of other books on abusive relationships and I hope I
can glean some useful info on how to stand by the person being
abused. The way it always turns out now, you say something and the
person unites with the abuser against your well-meaning, loving self.
It sucks so much ASS.


http://thingsarelookinup.com/Abuse/test.shtml

 

 

2848Re: emotional abuse checklist

 

Jan. 21, 2005

 

 

more websites:

http://www.lacasainc.org/abuse.html

http://www.endingviolence.com/Violence%20And%20Abuse%
20Checklist.pdf#search='abuse%20checklist'

http://www.physics.uwo.ca/~harwood/abuse.htm



http://www.uno.edu/~vawp/Abusechecklist.htm

http://www.sylviasplace.com/checklist.html

**--checklist AND plan!!**
http://peekabooicu2.50megs.com/checklist-planning.html

female abusers:

http://www.dvmen.org/dv-20.htm
http://www.drirene.com/anatomy_of_abuse.htm
http://www.shatterdmen.com/whynotreported.htm

•  

 

2849Re: emotional abuse checklist

 

Jan. 21, 2005

 

 

from J-Law:

That's interesting re: the abuse test. I am certainly not a
professional, but I think the best thing for the loved ones of those
in abusive relationships is to try to curb one's instinct to fix
things. No matter how well-intentioned you are, you really would be
interfering in something you don't fully understand. Sure, you're
very observant, perceptive, and intelligent. There are many, many
good books and other resources out there. But I think that, at the
heart of every relationship, whether abusive or not, there is some
key bond that the outsider can't reach. I think this might be
especially true in abusive relationships, in which neither party
wants to have to reveal this dark thing to anyone else. They push
people away because they don't want help, or don't think they need
it, and, in some cases, they push people away because they are
ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of judgment.

There are two emotional dynamics here - one is obviously the abusive
relationship itself, which you can't really do anything about. The
other is your relationship with the person/people involved. That is
where you should focus your efforts. Be friendly, open and
available. But try not to become tangled up in their situation. Not
only will it not work/help, it is not healthy for you.

•  

 

2850Re: emotional abuse checklist

 

Jan. 21, 2005

 

 

evilE  wrote:


I think shame is probably a huge factor, esp. in
males
being abused by women. And you are exactly right,
focus on my relationship with the victim, not the
abuser and victim relationship, or trying to fix it.
hard. But I can do it. I think I did real good when
I
helped Sineater during his surgery last week. Now I just
need to follow up with phone calls and doing what I
can to spend time with him.

I am going to have to give Brother A a bit of distance
for
a while longer, though...things there are so raw for
me, I don't know if I can put a smileyface on
it...and
I've always been, with him, the big sis who goes
wading in, cussin like a sailor and handing out
black
eyes and kicks in the nuts to all the little shits
who
were fucking with him at any given time. So I don't
know how to adapt that to our adult relationship...

============
--- J-Law wrote:

I think you have done very, very good with Sineater, UB,
and their relationship. It might help you to
examine the elements of that goodness, and what
about them makes it a little easier for you to be
good. Maybe you can apply some of that re: Brother A.

You are probably right - the big stumbling block is
that you have been Brother A's protector in the past.
It's your role, your job. Brother A is, in many ways,
still very much a kid. I think he sees himself that
way and wants to strike out and be a grown up.
Unfortunately, with his precipitous "marriage," he
is trying to do it all at once, and in a very risky
way. You still see him as a kid in some ways,
largely because he persists in acting like one.
That triggers your protective instincts. Even
though he isn't doing terribly well at being a grown
up, your protective instincts clash with his desire
to break out and do his own thing.
=====================

evilE  wrote:

You've given me a lot of good things to think about
with the brother-situation(s). Thanks so much. Stepdad
said something similar--ie: I can bite my tongue with
UB in order to be there for Sineater, so why can't I do
the same for Brother A?... For whatever reasons, I don't
know if I was ready to hear it, or if he just said it
in a way that pissed me off, it didn't 'take' when he
said it, but you said it in a way that makes me stop
and think. So, thanks very much for that. I love you
and I respect your tactful-yet-unflinching ways.

=========
J-Law:

I am very glad I could help on the sibling front. It's hard to see
your way through these emotionally-charged family situations. I
agree with you about Stepdad - I am sure he didn't mean to piss you off,
but it is entirely possible that it just wasn't the right place,
time, etc. to have a talk about this. Looking back over our email
exchange, it seems to me that you've already been thinking along
these lines. I just gave you a little nudge and some ideas. :)

Good luck, Love!

J-Law