Aug. 6th, 2004

evile: (clutter)
 

 

    Aug. 6, 2004

     

     

    Fajita night with [dad] & talking with [dad]. I still don't understand
    why [dad] and Mom pooped all over [aunt L]. [dad] & I talked about my tiff
    or whatever teh f. it was with Mom while she was here. [dad] seems to
    think it would make a diff to Mom if I told her about the depo
    withdrawal. Somehow I think that Mom already knew that and I don't
    think it mattered at all. [aunt L] said something about it, anyway.
    So...whatever. And apparently there's a letter from mom in the PO box
    just waiting for me to open it up and start another shitstorm of
    blame and self-hate. I can't hardly wait.

    I feel like my hurt feelings with Mom have been dismissed by [dad] as
    nothing but "hormones" and my issues as [rubber pig] have been dismissed [by
    Mom & [dad]] as nothing but displaced feelings from Xtal. (what I get
    for sharing my insight on the kids, I guess)

    I feel completely invalidated. I guess this grey thing between my
    ears is nothing but a place holder, eh?

    I didn't realize there was a list at the ICU of who was/wasn't
    allowed. I can't believe [sister H] was on it. Or [aunt L] for that matter.
    [aunt L] spent the most time with [brother A] since he & [rubber pig] got together, and
    has always been cordial to them. [aunt L] has every right to an opinion
    on her, since she DID spend the most time with her out of all [brother A]'s
    family. But I guess that's not allowed, either.

    Was very interesting that [dad] mentioned all of these ways in which
    he was held to a higher standard of behavior by Mom, [brother A], [rubber pig],
    etc, and then could not expect similar/same from them. And he spoke
    of being invalidated by Mom...and still encouraged me to try and
    explain to Mom where I'm coming from on stuff. why? I am not going to
    hurt myself to fit into the little box labeled 'daughter' just for
    her. I am not going to willingly change who I am just to attempt to
    make her happy with me. I am who and what I am. I may change over
    time, but this is who I am right now. And if she doesn't like it,
    tough shit.

    I'm very mad & hurt. (will c&p email I sent to Rio, J-Law, etc. later)

evile: (clutter)
 

www.youtube.com/watch

    Aug. 6, 2004

     

    Artist: Erasure
    Album: Wild!
    Title: Piano Song

    Never get angry at the stupid people
    Though i go crazy at the dullness of my life
    Sit and i stare into a dusty window
    An empty face stares back at me and cries

    My vulnerability rushes up to me
    And i'm left here
    The rebel without a cause
    The deeper i delve into
    The consciousness of me with you
    The harder it gets
    I need to close my eyes
    What hurts me most
    I'll never see your eyes again

    Though i get weary
    Doesn't mean that i'm unwilling
    My body belies me i'm of fertile mind
    As i grow older
    The world forgets me
    And talks to me as if i'm some kind of child

    Their insensitivity washes over me
    Till i'm left here
    The rebel without a cause
    The deeper i delve into
    The consciousness of me and you
    The harder it gets
    I need to close my eyes
    What hurts me most
    I'll never see your eyes again

    The harder it gets
    I need to close my eyes
    I can't recollect
    I'll never see your eyes again
    I try to forget
    I'll never see your eyes again
    What hurts me most
    I'll never see your eyes again

    Don't touch me

evile: (clutter)

  • Aug. 6, 2004

     

    METAL DOG - 1910, 1970, 2030
    This type of Dog can be unwavering in his convictions and highly
    critical of every infraction of the law according to his own
    interpretation. However, his principles are of highest kind and
    fundamentally he is noble and charitable. He will give himself to a
    lifetime of selfless dedication if he finds an object or cause
    worthy of his devotion. Yet he can be ruthless when aroused and will
    pursue his enemies until they are annihilated.

    The Metal element combined with his lunar sign, which is also
    governed by Metal, produces a double Metal sign, which is extremely
    formidable. Orientals call this combination the "Iron Dog" and look
    upon its year with much apprehension as it could be either very good
    or very bad, depending on whether it takes on a negative or positive
    course.

    Likewise, the stern and principled Metal Dog will exhibit the same
    traits and will exercise strong mental discipline over himself and
    take things very seriously. His loyalty is unquestionable and he has
    strong political views. Never indecisive, he will pick a side and
    never desert his affiliations. Consequently, even though he hates
    injustice and foul play, this type of Dog can resort to extreme
    measures when he insists that others subscribe to his views.

    Personality Traits:
    People born under the year of the Dog tend to be very well liked as
    it is one of the most popular of all of the animals. Dog people are:
    truthful, clever, with a strong sense of fairness and devotion. They
    never shirk their duties, they always do their fair share of things
    and will always "listen to reason". They would never ignore a
    distress call, often putting the well-being of others before their
    own and they never abandon people. Other traits include: open-
    mindedness, never envious, non money-minded and very adept at seeing
    straight through others. However should you try to snoop into their
    affairs they can become secretive and also give a cold shoulder
    to those who they don't really like. They are also: intrepid,
    practical and "have great insight into human nature". They can be
    belligerent, gloomy, be anxious for no apparent reason and they
    absolutely detest pretence. Inevitabilities are never put on hold,
    neither is giving a clear-cut answer to something. Above all they are
    never sly, underhand or crafty.

    Is principled, intelligent, has perservance and most determined of
    all his cousins. Is choosy but loyal. Only sees black and white, lack
    flexibililty, mind fixed to one particular idea.
    Good at talking.

    Dog people are loyal and honest and obedient, guardians of the house
    at night. They can be counted on to keep secrets and for always doing
    the right thing. They can be emotionally distant and do not mix well
    in social gatherings where they are often seen as wallflowers. They
    do better with one-on-one relationships and find happiness in the
    happiness they bring to others, such as finding the most perfect
    gifts for their friends. While it is true that they have sharp
    tongues and are a bit stubborn and eccentric, in a work situation
    they tend to work very well with other people. What is more, they
    always seem to have money and make excellent leaders. Because of
    their high moral stance, they are inspiring beyond measure.
    Sizzling Rice Soup and Chinese Cabbage are among the keys to good
    health!!

    This one takes a very conservative approach to every aspect of life,
    somewhat coasting along looking at the scenery with dreams and goals
    unrealized but the spirit always fulfilled. Ferdinand the Bull is
    their Poster Boy; they always stop to smell the flowers. Nothing
    wrong with this, but it's important to find a balance so there
    aren't so many unfinished tasks. Ironically, they tend to be
    materialistic, but don't have the patience necessary to acquire big
    ticket items and major success is illusory. But like gypsies, they
    move with the wind, taking what comes, with noble chin held
    high, always finding in life a kind of beauty which does indeed
    sustain them very much. They make very good friends, loyal to the
    bone, always finding delightful ways to help others. Friends
    always know where they stand because of their directness and frank
    manner. The Love & Romance Department usually finds a very handsome
    male and a beautiful female, each incredibly attractive to the other
    and sincerity reigns in their communication. The Metal Dog
    doesn't like to take too many chances, preferring conservative and
    traditional ways of romance. Sometimes, they become virtual love
    slaves, a little too passive for their own good. Time to
    stand up and reclaim your individuality! Learn to be more pro-active!

    Chinese sign profile: Dog
    Is the Dog man's best friend? Well, maybe. Loyal, faithful and
    honest, the Dog has a firm code of ethics to live by and can be
    counted on in times of need. Ever trustworthy, this pup is also
    wonderfully discreet, listening closely while guarding a friend's
    problems without a ever thinking of being a gossip. Anything
    less would be unimaginable to Dogs, possessed as they are of a keen
    sense of right and wrong and duty-bound to the core. This is the
    Dog's mantra: Live right, look out for the underdog and fight
    injustice wherever possible.
    Bear in mind, though, that if you get a Dog started on what's
    important to them, they could go on forever. Dogs aren't much for
    social small talk, preferring to get to the heart of the matter. They
    can also be temperamental and moody, which makes it hard to know if
    the Dog that shows up will lick your leg or bite it off. Dogs can
    even be downright nasty if they feel their livelihood is at risk,
    great worriers that they are. These sensitive pups need time to warm
    to others and gradually learn to trust them. Without that
    trust, they can be judgmental. Dogs have little patience for flighty,
    unpredictable behaviour, treating these "lost" souls in a critical,
    almost harsh mannner.
    The other side of the Dog's discerning nature is that they are
    excellent business people who can turn their
    pickiness into an asset. Where love is concerned, Dogs often have a
    tough time finding the right match.
    These Feckless Fidos can be so anxious and overwrought in romance
    that they'll test their partner to the
    extreme. Dogs need to work on these irrational fears and are also
    well-served to relax their high
    standards, which can alienate loved ones.

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