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1757ediets re: feelings
Nov. 25th, 2003 02:54 pm25 Nov. 12:03 pm
How To Fix Your Hurt Feelings
Special for eDiets
by Hara Estroff Marano
For many people, especially women, much of their mental energy goes
into stuffing their feelings so far down they don't even know they
have them. They spend their lives pleasing others and seeking the
approval of everyone but themselves.
"We are nobodies. We are in hiding. We don't know who we are," says
psychologist Emilie Ross Raphael, Ph.D., of Chapel Hill, North
Carolina. She means "we" not in the collective sense but in the
personal sense. She includes herself among those who have -- or in
her case, had -- to learn how to be honest about her own feelings.
Typically, says Raphael, the problem involves always saying "yes"
when often you mean "no." And, the resolution typically comes down to
giving yourself permission to feel angry -- and finding the courage
to say what's on your mind without fear of losing the love of others.
Until this happens, it's not possible to have a healthy relationship.
Hurt feelings are inevitable in relationships, bound to arise in a
fast-paced world of imperfect communication between people.
The trick is speaking them. That requires expressing anger
appropriately -- one of the great challenges of being a grownup and
managing ourselves. More often, people hold their feelings in. Then,
at some minor infraction, they explode out of proportion to the
cause -- often bewildering everyone around them.
It's not an overnight process. You have to learn to set limits with
others -- and to move your sources of approval inward. "This is the
story of my life," says Raphael.
"It comes from having hard-to-please parents who set high standards.
When we grow up, we carry the critical parents around in our head. We
become the critical ones. We are, for example, forever discounting
compliments. And, we maintain a low self-image by selectively
focusing on negative input from those around us."
For starters, you have to begin to think of anger as a constructive
emotion. It's a signal that your feelings are hurt, and you must move
into conflict resolution. Raphael sets out the steps in her book,
Free Spirit: A Declaration of Independence for Women (Washington
House).
Here is Raphael's advice for expressing anger appropriately:
Examine whether your current anger, resentment or hurt feelings are
the tip of a much larger iceberg. How long have you had such
feelings? If you get upset with your husband for going out with his
buddies for an evening, maybe it really isn't about that instance.
Perhaps the reason that you are upset has more to do with how much of
himself he generally gives to you, and your feeling that it isn't
enough.
Learn to be brave. If you feel that you are easily intimidated into
backing down, write down your feelings and give your writing to the
other person.
Don't make blaming statements. Conflict resolution begins with the
understanding that truth is relative. So much depends on one's
perspective, and none of us has a lock on the whole picture of
anything. Nevertheless, most people start with exactly the most
destructive question: Who is right and who is wrong? Two people spend
time trying to convince the other of the rightness of his or her own
position. But, in fact, most disagreements are based on
interpretations that come directly from private experiences in life,
not some verifiable truth.
The single best way to resolve conflict is to listen to the other
party. Most people just want to be heard. It is a basic form of
validation. And, often the solution suggests itself from what is
spoken.
Allow your partner to express his or her grievances. This is a good
thing, because otherwise these feelings build walls between people.
Take responsibility for your part in creating problems. Ask yourself:
How did my actions and the things I've said or failed to say help to
create this situation or crisis?
It's the final step that people most commonly fall short on --
accepting responsibility for making things better.
"You need to seek out what will make the situation better in the
future so this situation doesn't arise again," observes
Raphael. "Further, you need to tell the other person, "this is what I
need from you now to make things better." You need to take
responsibility for what will fix it now! Is it merely listening? Is
it an apology? Most people miss this piece."
Hara Estroff Marano is Editor-At-Large of Psychology Today magazine
and Editor-In-Chief of Psychology Today's Blues Buster, a newsletter
about depression. An award-winning writer on human behavior, Hara's
articles have appeared in publications including the New York Times,
Smithsonian, Family Circle and The Ladies Home Journal. She lives in
New York City.
