1400house stuff

 

 

 

May 8, 2003

 

 

so I sent Sweetie that website,and he was all like "Oh, we
don't have a problem" and then I said "I don't know
how to ask you for help with the house without you
getting mad at me." and then he goes "wtf. I thought I
was cleaning around the house?" [WHEN? like his help
unloading the last 2-3 dishes when I get home & start
unloading the dishwasher? or a couple weeks ago when
he mowed the front yard but hasn't bothered with the
back yet?]...Of course, I didn't say that. I said "I'm
sorry, I guess I don't appreciate what you do enough"
and then he goes "I have to get off this thing {icq}
before my interview mood gets ruined" (he has a phone
interview at 2)

So now you see, of course, it will be ALL MY FAULT
when/if he doesn't get the in-person interview and/or
the job. Fucking passive agressive bullshite. I could
cheerfully bash his head in.

I can't win this one. I'm just going to have to either
clean the house myself or just live with the filth, or
just make a point of cleaning my own stuff and leaving
his alone (which I already mostly do).

And I guess I should go back to taking the bus to/from
work instead of him driving me & picking me up.
Because it seems hypocritical somehow, or by accepting
that 'help' I seem to be giving up some rights or
something...

This shit just crops up every now and again.
Eventually I'll stuff it right back down the denial
rabbithole and everything will be OK again.
======================
she sent this to me: re the website,last email I sent:

Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 11:42:19 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: gotta be happy medium...

It's not funny at all. It's not hilarious. Whoever said that is
very insensitive. It makes me shiver.

*hug*

When I was living with my mom & brother it was totally like that -
every surface covered with junk, stuff not getting clean, etc. On
some level, I could kind of see McBitchface's point about keeping
things in a better state. But she didn't have to be such a total
festering choad about it. Anyway.

Now that I am on my own - I am no neatfreak by any means... but I
keep things clean & relatively tidy. It *is* easier when you can
just get up and do it without other people & their crap getting in
the way.

The thing is, on some level, Sweetie has got to recognize that things are
out of hand. He is just willing to endure it, while you are not. I
say this because my brother, whose bedroom was a sight to behold,
whose crap took up permanent residence in the living room, knew that
it was out of hand. He knew (and said as much) that it was a
problem, but he just endured it.

Same with me and all my crap on the dining room table.

Sweetie knows it is "a problem," at least to the extent that it is one
for you. When he says, "honestly, I don't think it is a problem," he
means that he knows the mess is there, but it isn't at a level that
bothers him. In other words, it's not an issue for him, so why is it
an issue for you?

Explaining why it bothers you is good, but will only get you so far.
It keeps the issue on a "my view vs. your view" level, which is just
not helpful. The trick is not so much to make him see the problem
the way you see it, but to arrive at some agreement as to what you
can both live with. That will be tough, because you're both coming
at this from different ways. You are: how much mess and for how
long? For Sweetie, it is: how much effort to I have to make? or How can
this be done with a minimum of effort?

That is a giant gap.

As for what to do? When I went on "clean the living room" benders, I
would say, look - anything you don't want chucked, take to your
room. I will be in here at noon and chucking everything that's
left." First time, he ignored it, and some of his bills got chucked,
and he had late fees. He was hugely pissed off at me, which I could
understand.... but each time after that, he sorted through his crap.

The downside, obviously, is that you still have to nag & be the bad
guy and get the red ass when something important get tossed. 'I
warned you' is not well-received in response.

And, in the couple sitch, I don't know that this would work as well.
Maybe containment is your answer. There is your space, Sweetie's space,
and shared space. Maybe, as long as no one person's crap interferes
with the shared space? Is that something he could actually keep to?

Maybe therapy? It sounds so dramatic, but it is often little things
accumulating, patterns repeating, and stuff that strains
relationships (and ultimately makes big messes), etc. And it sounds
to me like you are really stressed about the mess and y'all's
differing levels of tolerating it. If you're worried about how to
approach the mess and the tolerance gap, maybe someone who is totally
objective can get you guys closer to resolving it.

Like your subject suggests - it doesn't have to be an operating room,
but it also doesn't have to be a disaster area, either. This has
been an issue of some long standing, and I think you've had that
moment of clarity that prompts you to take action. You're in pain.
Follow through on it.

*hug* Best of luck, my love. Let me know what happens.

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