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Jan. 3rd, 2003
mess of being the one to tell him that A. had dumped him, and
then it turns out that she hadn't really told him yet, and she didn't
really consider them to be quits...even though when I wrote to
say 'sorry y'all broke up' he was all like 'yeah, well, I'll live'...
ANYHOO, apparently A. was/is giving me the Silent Treatment.I didn't
know until Kaleon said something. Not very effective when she doesn't
interact with me much anyway, even if she's not pissed at me.
:) I used to hate the Silent Treatment with a passion, but what the
fuck, it hardly matters.
Anyway, we had a good talk, and Kaleon saw the pattern with the 19
year old 'virgins' and how irrational she is & how she sets up the
relationship to fail, sets up confrontations with the 'old' to make
the 'new' come and rescue her & create excitement with the 'new',
backs people into a corner so they can only react in the worst
possible way.
And he really missed the 'good times' when she treated him 'like a
god' and doesn't blame the new lover at all for getting sucked in to
her mess, because she 'worships' her new one, he can do no wrong, she
does whatever he wants or even hints that he wants, and he really
missed that.
He missed being adored, he missed being needed. He is tired of
fighting. and realizing that he and A. don't bring out the best
in each other.
He was very honest in saying that if she calls him up, even after all
the shit, he may go back to her. And I can understand that, even if
it makes me sad for him. Hopefully here in this lull I can introduce
him to the PNO crowd and get him in a better frame of mind to
recognize that he doesnt' deserve abuse, he deserves a nice person to
help him feel good about himself.
*sigh* And while giving him the 'you can't rescue everyone' lecture,
I am realizing that I'm the biggest hypocrite--here I am trying to
rescue him. But he has done the biggest part for himself--realized
that it was an unhealthy relationship and decided to go on with his
life without her.
He said that in the past A. has said all kinds of terrible things
about me...I'd be interested in knowing what those were. Not that it
really matters; consider the source. She is a fucking nut.
He also said that A said X was sitting in E's lap at the
Decemberween party...which, I don't think she was, I think she just
sat in Pace's lap...But I can always get the video from Ben if I
really want to know. I wonder if her vision of reality is so
distorted that she actually thinks she remembers X sitting on
E, or if she just said that to manipulate Kaleon into being angry
with X and E.
He told me that in the past, he's seen her whip E with horse
reins, for something minor, that he 'didn't deserve that'...well,
FUCK, nobody deserves that. I really wanted to kill her when he told
me that. I am protective (eric would say overprotective) and that
just makes me sick and angry and...incredibly fucking sad. And that's
not anything I can share with A or Mom or E's father...because they'd
give up even attempting to be polite to A. for the sake of family
peace, and all it would accomplish is alienating E from any
potential source of help or sanity. It's so goddamned hard.
Anyway...she is an unhappy person who abuses herself at least as much
as she abuses those around her, which doesn't excuse the behavior,
but at least makes it pitiable. If I can keep myself from
remembering/thinking about her hitting E and slapping Kaleon and
basically giving as good as she gets in the abuse department.
1101 BP stuff.
Jan. 3rd, 2003 12:27 pmJan. 3, 2003
I see elements of A. in witch and queen. and maybe even waif. No
hermit info?
I got a request to reprint this information from the Stop Walking oin
Eggshells workbook. It is a summary of the research done by Christina
Lawson and published in her book The Borderline Mother.
Randi Kreger RandiBPD@a...
The Lawson Method of Describing BPD Behavior Clinician Christine Ann
Lawson, Ph.D., recently developed four distinct types of BPs
in her book Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children
Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
(2000). Lawson's book categorizes mothers into four groups: Witches,
Queens, Hermits, and Waifs. "Queens" and "Witches" are higher-
functioning, acting-out BPs, while "Hermits" and "Waifs" are lower-
functioning, acting-in types. Most BPs display elements of all four
categories.
Although her book is about mothers, in a telephone conversation with
me Lawson said her descriptions are applicable to both genders and
all relationships, not just the parent-child relationship. Behavior
toward children, of course, is more serious because children are
unable to protect themselves and don't have an adult point of
reference. Lawson types individuals based on their typical thoughts,
emotions, and actions. In the following Action Step, I have taken
this model and applied it to BPs in general.
Queen, Witch, Waif, or Hermit?
As you read the following descriptions, circle the traits, thoughts,
emotions, and actions that seem to apply to the BP in your life. Use
your notebook to write down your observations about the BP. You can
also make notes at the end of the section to remind yourself why you
circled that trait. Finally, count the circled items, reread the
traits, and decide if any one of these descriptions apply to your
loved one more than the others.
The Witch
Typical Thoughts
Unconsciously, Witches hate themselves because they grew up in an
environment that "required complete submission to a hostile or
sadistic caregiver" (Lawson 2000, 131). They continue the cycle by
acting cruelly to others, especially those who are too weak, young,
or powerless to help themselves.
Typical Emotions
They feel no remorse for nightmarish acts, showing more interest in
their own well--being than concern over the way they've hurt others.
The Witch's triggers include jealousy, criticism, betrayal,
abandonment, feeling left out, and being ignored.
Typical Actions and Central Dilemma
Most BP parents do not physically abuse their children. Those who do
probably fall into this category. However, the abuse usually occurs
when other, competent adults are not present. Thus, family members
can live in fear while all seems well to the outside world. Witches
want power and control over others so that others do not abandon
them. When someone or something triggers the Witch's abandonment
fear, this BP can become brutal and full of rage, even punishing or
hurting family members who stand in her way. These types of
BPs are most resistant to treatment: they will not allow others to
help and the source of self-loathing runs very deep.
The Queen
Typical Thoughts
"I want more attention. I deserve more attention. And, by the way,
what have you done for me lately?" Also, "My children should fulfill
my needs, not the other way around. They don't love or respect me if
they disagree with me, go against my wishes, or have needs of their
own."
Typical Feelings
These include entitlement, deprivation, emptiness, anger,
frustration, or loneliness from the deprivation they felt as
children. Queens are impatient and have a low tolerance for
frustration. They also push others' boundaries without recognition or
regret.
Typical Actions and Central Dilemma
Driven by feelings of emptiness and unable to soothe themselves,
Queens do what it takes to get what they feel they so richly deserve.
This includes vindictive acts like blackmail. Initially they may
impress others with their social graces. But when "friends" can no
longer deliver, the Queen cuts them off without a thought. Queens are
capable of real manipulation (vs. more primitive BP defenses) to get
what they desire.
The Waif
Typical Thoughts
"I am a worthless victim. I do so want to be loved and protected, but
I am not worthy of it." Philosophy: The glass is not only half empty,
but is about to spill all over the floor I just washed.
Typical Feelings
Helplessness, hopelessness, and despair. Rage can be masked by
sadness and depression, but released by rejection or abandonment.
Waifs distort their own errors or disappointments, leading to more
shame. They feel vulnerable, defective, anxious, moody, and
irrationally fearful.
Typical Actions and Central Dilemma
They look to others to "save them," but ultimately refuse assistance
because helplessness makes them feel safe. Ironically, if they
mistrust everyone and let no one get close, they stay in control and
no one can abandon or disappoint them. Waifs may hurt themselves to
express shame, but they are capable of raging if they feel rejected
or abandoned. They don't ask for what they need, then appear -martyr--
like because others can't read their minds and give it to them. Waifs
may have crying spells and be unable to nurture others.
The Hermit
Typical Thoughts
"It's a dog eat dog world out there and I'm a cat. Everyone out there
is for themselves and no place is safe. Since people will always end
up betraying me, I must be alert for hints or hidden meanings in
things others would consider innocuous."
Typical Feelings
Terrified of not having control, fear of engulfment keeps them from
obtaining comfort. No wonder they see potential disaster everywhere.
Hermits take criticism as a global condemnation of themselves and
depend upon work and hobbies for self-esteem. Their inner shame is
expressed through their continual criticism of others.
Typical Actions and Central Dilemma
The hard shell makes these BPs appear confident, determined,
independent, and even socially graceful. But it's a veneer. Like many
BPs, hermits show one face to the world and another to everyone else.
Close family members experience "distrust, perfectionism, insecurity,
anxiety, rage and paranoia" (Lawson 2000, 80). They hold everyone to
the same ideal of perfection, punishing others by raging or shutting
them out. Hermits fear losing themselves, which translates into
possessiveness about their belongings.
Final number of circled items
Which of these types, if any, reminds you most of the BP in your
life?
Which is the secondary type?
1102 holy CRAP
Jan. 3rd, 2003 12:32 pmJan. 3, 2003
for a few seconds I thought this was Kaleon's page!!
============================
http://www.angelfire.com/co/COMMONSENSE/almanac0.html
The Almanac began 5 years ago as a labor of love.
Now, for the first time, I know what it feels like to hate someone.
I now think that Shakespeare was wrong, it is not always better
to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
"No one has every written, painted, sculpted, modeled, built, or
invented except literally to get out of hell." - Antonin Artaud
I helped a woman to "find herself", in the words of her former best
friend, only to see her abruptly change into another person 4 1/2
years later. I was taken by complete surprise by her sudden change
into an unfamiliar person, who she said was her "real self". I wish I
had known 5 years ago who her "real self" really was, because I would
not have entered into a committed relationship with her, and would
have thereby avoided the most painful heartbreak of my entire life.
There is a joke about Borderline Personality Disorder not being
painful to those who have it, only those who love them. People who
have BPD are usually unaware that they have the problem, but the
emotional pain felt by those who love them is very real. The
convenient BPD "selective memory" trait, that enables them to forget
things they would rather not remember, doesn't block out those same
painful memories from the minds and hearts of those who love them.For those unfortunate souls, the pain and confusion lingers long
after the person who has BPD goes on their merry way, oblivious to
the pain they have left behind. It's not the fault of the person who
suffers from BPD that they have the problem, but still, it doesn't
excuse their hurtful actions when they strike out subconsciously
against a person who loves them, for some perceived misdeed that has
been magnified by their cognitive distortions. It can be something
insignificant that sets them off, one never knows when a person with
BPD will turn against them, or for what reason. After such a dispute,
the person who has BPD traits carries a grudge and begins
to "devalue" the person they had idealized at first.
In a relationship, the person with BPD traits will often "banish
themselves in other", adopting the lifestyle, values and goals of theother person, only to suddenly rebel against and reject it all once
the idealized person has disappointed them, as is always the case
eventually. When they end a relationship, it is so sudden and
unexpected that their partner has no chance to adjust, or to go
through a transition period. It's a relationship one day, the next
day, the BPD person already has a new "true love". It's kind of like
someone on a fast moving passenger train thinks they see a person on
the tracks, (which turns out to be a shadow) and then brace
themselves while they pull the emergency brake. The other unfortunate
passengers are not prepared for what happens next, and are left to
pick up the pieces, after they recover from the shock.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Over the past 5 years, I have learned much more than I ever wanted to
know about Borderline Personality Disorder and Hypothyroidism. During
this wacky episode, this eerily, weirdly surreal and absurd ordeal, I
came to know one of the world's leading authorities on BPD. He
thanked me for my input about the possible connection between BPD and
hypothyroidism. Dean Tong, Author/Forensic Consultant, is an
internationally known family rights and forensic consultant on child
abuse, domestic violence, and child custody cases. he is the author
of "Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health and Legal Rights
When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder."bpd411.org
Our purpose is to provide a safe environment for the education,
healing and recovery of persons who are in relationship with someone
who exhibits traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Being
involved with someone with BPD traits is disorienting, painful and
often damaging. (Emphasis mine.)
Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is similar to the
experiences of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Like Dorothy, something
unexpected occurs, and you wake up in an unfamiliar land where
nothing makes sense anymore. We call this taking a trip to the land
of Oz.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Borderline Personality Disorder by Mental Help Net Staff
Diagnosis
A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a
repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image,
mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause
significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person
with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear
warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this
appearance for a number of years until their defense structure
crumbles, usually around a stressful situation.
A person who suffers from this disorder has labile interpersonal
relationships characterized by instability. This pattern of
interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually
closely related to the person's self-image and early social
interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g.,ot just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar
lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in
a person's affect, or feelings. A person with this disorder may also
exhibit a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and
devaluation. This is called "splitting."
Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You,
Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:
The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heros and
villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human
inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile good and bad
qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person.
At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-
between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally
devalued and dismissed the next.
When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner
or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his one-
dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to then
dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in other to preserve the
all-good image of the other person.
Interpersonal relationships in BPD are particularly unstable. They
become quickly involved with people, and quickly disappointed with
them. They make great demands on other people, and easily become
frightened of being abandoned by them. Their emotional life is a kind
of rollercoaster.
Symptoms
Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with
marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate,
close connections. The person often has difficulty with trusting
others. The person may show inappropriate anger with tantrums,
brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of
control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are
also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-
identity, life goals and values, career choices, friendships.----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
WHY I'VE GOT THE BLUES
I recently apologized to E. for participating in his torment 5 years
ago. S. was living with E. when I met her. She told me they were
just "good friends", and I believed her, because I really wanted to
believe her. Besides, she said it so matter-of-factly and with such
conviction, I did believe it, until the truth became apparent. I
should have known that no man would be sleeping in the same bed with
a beautiful woman because they are "good friends". The thing is, she
wasn't really lying, she believed it herself. That's where the
BPD "selective memory" trick comes in handy. If they have a memory
from yesterday that doesn't fit in with today's plans, then it's
simply -- Presto Chango! and voila, memory changed!
I got my first insights into S's highly changeable, chameleon-like
traits by observing her life with E. S. met E. when she worked at a
spiritual retreat in Upstate New York. E. had gone there to attend a
lecture and class about the works of Carlos Castenada. One time S.
told me, with a mischievous look and tone of voice, that E. told her
that he was all set to embark upon a spiritual quest based on a
Castenada type of spirituality, and that he was going to look for
like minded people with whom to do that. S. told him "You can have
all that with me". I immediately exclaimed "Oh my God, the poor guy
didn't stand a chance after you told him that!", to which she replied
with an impish giggle, "No, he didn't did he?" S. moved in with him,
and entered his dream for a while. He offered her safety and
security, which she needed at the time.
She also told me, after hearing me talk about my spiritual beliefs,hat she wanted to experience that with me. Later, after she moved in
with me, she said that she felt she felt drawn to another
spirituality instead, a yoga cult in Connecticut, led by a pudgy
woman who was reputed by some to be a "true master". S. learned about
this group from a friend and pot smoking buddy of hers, who extolled
the virtues and spirituality of being a member. The cult didn't help
the guy to stop chain-smoking Marlboro's or marijuana, but it did
inspire him to change his name legally and adopt a name given to him
by his "spiritual master", who although she was supposedly a true
mystic, she was unable to control her weight problem. Over the years
we were together, S. often became enamoured with several different
spiritual paths that she learned about from prospective kindred
spirits she met. Her enthusiasm always quickly diminished after each
new "soulmate" disappointed her in some way.The intense pain I now feel could have been avoided if I had not been
so blind to his pain and the reasons for it. I had the sick feeling
that one day, that could be me, as I saw the look of bewilderment,
confusion and heartache on his face, as he said in exasperation "You
keep changing the rules!" Or when she would torment him with a
snide "yes dad", and he would plead "Please don't say that", to which
she would reply with even more sarcasm "okay dad." He didn't deserve
that, the poor guy was building a room addition on his house for her
at the time. She had told me "E. is my best friend in the world."
That's a funny way to treat a "best friend", isn't it? She also
said "E. has the patience of God", for putting up with her
shenanigans. A few weeks later, she said to me "I really don't like
him", as we were moving her furniture out of his house, into myapartment. She was angry that he didn't want to let her store a
rather large piece of furniture at his house, since we had no room
for it. While it is true that God probably wouldn't be upset at all
by such a request, I think it's safe to say that most men would be
upset to be asked by the woman they love to keep their belongings
safe while they went off to cavort with their new lover. One of the
things E. had said to incur her wrath was that she "brings a lot of
baggage into a relationship". She said to me that a friend wouldn't
say something like that. I wanted to say "oh yes, a friend would say
that", but even then, I knew not to say anything that would upset the
apple cart. By the time my turn came, she was carrying enough baggage
to sink the Titanic. I'm now returning it all to the lost and founddepartment, I refuse to be the dumping ground for her emotional
baggage.
It turned out that E. got off easy compared to what I endured. She
and I had a very passionate relationship, which she kept hidden from
E. I was upset that she felt she had to keep the truth about our love
from her "best friend", but she assured me that she just didn't want
him to worry about her, that's all. The passion lasted until about a
month after she moved in with me. Then, one night, just as we were
starting to make love, she suddenly got up out of bed and called E.,
at 11:30 PM. She lashed into him with an angry tirade about money,which lasted about 30 minutes. She was yelling at him because she
felt that he should continue to let her be a part of his business. I
lay in bed, feeling and looking completely bewildered. When she hung
up, she gave me an angry scowl and said with a scolding voice "you're
upset, aren't you?!! what kind of friend are you??!!" In her mind, I
should not have been affected at all by such an outburst, and should
have taken it in stride. A few weeks later, after she returned from
retrieving her remaining belongings from E.'s house, she came in
crying. She said E. looked terrible, and had lost considerable
weight, and she realized that she had broken his heart. That's when Iknew for certain, in spite of her many assurances that he had merely
misinterpreted their friendship as something more, they had been life
partners. ( 4 1/2 years later, she said to me "I knew you would be
hurt and confused by the decisions I've made." Of course she knew.)
The next 4 years were a wild goose chase all over hell's half acre,
in a vain quest to regain the magical romance we shared while she was
living with E. That's how I got to be somewhat of an authority about
BPD and hypothyroidism.When I was worn down and stressed out by 4 years of high maintenance,
after coaxing her toward health and wholeness the entire time, and I
needed time for my own healing, she did a "hell hath no fury like a
woman scorned" on me, but like on acid, in hell on Pluto. I didn't
scorn her, I just needed time to heal. She totally disrespected me
and my love for her, trashing it, cheapening it, when she did her
BPD "devaluation" trip on me.I had recently moved to Middletown, CT with her. We had been living
in Bridgeport, in my apartment. S. had moved about 2 months ahead of
me, in June, 2001, her friend C. helped us to pack up and move S.'s
belongings and much of my stuff, it was an epic moving trip, going to
a storage unit, a friend's house and my apartment, and loading amoving truck and 2 cars until literally nothing more could fit in.
The next day was spent carrying it all up to the 2nd and 3rd floors
of the new building. The 3 of us were very happy to be together, we
had all planned to one day live on our own farm. A few weeks later,as we were making plans for when I joined her in Middletown, I told
S. that the 4 years had been very stressful on me, and had drained
me, and I needed time to heal myself. With my coaxing, help and
loving guidance, she was able to get healed of some health problems,
including a remarkable recovery from hypothyroidism that had caused
her some serious symptoms. She even created and printed out
an "Excellence in Coaxing Award", which she signed, and I put it up
on my wall. She assured me that I deserved many more awards. All of
my efforts toward her healing were so that she and I could have a
life together based on health and wholeness. My efforts on her behalf
were tireless, diligent, and based on love. She was unable to
understand the cumulative effect the struggle had on me, and it was astruggle. BPD people "make great demands on other people", they are
not able to see past their own pain, nor can they appreciate the
effects they can have on others. That isn't to say that they
are "bad", it's just how they are. I kept my turmoil and pain mostly
to myself, waiting for the time when she was healed enough for me to
be able to get back to my own healing. The stress had worn me down
and I developed my own health problems which needed to be dealt with.
She took my need to pull back and devote my healing on myself as a
rejection.
Before I gave up my aptartment and moved in with S. in Middletownlate last summer, of 2001, I told her about how drained I was, and
that the stress had taken it's toll on my health. I said I was afraid
to give up my apartment. She assured me that she finally understood
how difficult it had been for me, and that she was ready to do the
work with me so that we could complete the healing work we both
needed. She said she was so very appreciative to have my love and
guidance, and she apologized for how difficult and stressful it had
been for me. She told her friends the same things, told them how
loving and patient I had been, told them how much she had learned
from me, how much she had grown and healed.
Giving up my apartment and moving in with S. W. turned out to be the
single biggest mistake of my entire life. A few weeks later, I went
into our bedroom to get into bed, like I had done every night we were
together, only to find my pillows, a sheet and blanket lying on the
floor. At first I thought she had forgotten to put them back on the
bed after making our bed, but then I noticed she was lying on my side
of the bed, looing at me with a strange expression that I had never
seen before. I was completely taken by surprise by her sudden change.
A few days later, she came in and threw a newspaper on the table, and
said "I want you to find an apartment and move out, within 2 weeks".
She got very nasty, saying that I was interferring with her new life.
I was bewildered and shocked, I answered several ads for rooms and
apartments. I pleaded with her that I had just given up my apartment,
a place where nobody complained about my guitar practicing, and that
it wasn't that easy to find apartments where I can practice. I
pleaded that it was a university town, and the new semester had
started, and apartments were scarce, and I would need more than 2
weeks. She made a show of buying a new set of satin sheets, telling
me that she was eager to start exploring her sensuality, now that I
had helped her to heal. Unknown to me, she started a new romance
during the time that she had asked me to move to Middletown. We had
been together for over 4 years, almost every day. Even in her
confused mind she acknowledged my positive, loving and healing
influence on her life. In spite of all that, she treated me with
complete disrespect.
From The Personality Disorders Institute
"And their relationships are unstable. They may curry favor with
obedient submission only to rebel, out of the blue, in a tantrum."
Why would a beautiful, talented woman immerse herself so convincingly
in my dream for 4 1/2 years? Because it is a very nice dream! And,
because she needed a place of refuge from a stormy life. She needed
love and healing, and she got that from me. I had seen glimpses of
her "real self" during the first few months we knew each other, and I
had said a few times that I didn't think we would be able to get
along, but she assured me that it was only because of the stressful
situations that were going on at the time. I now realize that shefound me, my dream and what I had to offer her so appealing that she
submitted herself to my dream, and became a part of it. I didn't know
that at the time. Neither did she, not even her best friends knew.
They were all so happy that she had "found herself". I suppose she
should be awarded an Osar of some kind, for "Best Performance as the
Girl of My Dreams". I did fall madly in love with that persona. I
didn't know that she wished I was someone else the entire time, so
she wouldn't have to pretend to be the woman I loved.
Just before moving out I painted an apartment for a woman who is a
retired psychiatric social worker. She told me that her most
difficult clients over the years were people with BPD,
saying "they're high maintenance." She also told me that BPD's will
often say whatever they need to say to reconcile with a partner who
is pulling away, so they can "win", and break up on their own terms.
When C. learned about the breakup, in September, she cried as she
spoke to me on the phone. She also told S. that she was very upset
and confused by this sudden and unexpected turn of events. I told C.
that I was looking for a place in New York, and should be moved out
by December, C. exclaimed "Oh Johnny , S. said she wants you out much
sooner than that! She said you would be out in a couple of weeks."
Needless to say, that caused me much anguish and anxiety, I made some
calls to see what my legal rights were, I found out that I did have tenants' rights, and must be given a reasonable length of time to
find new living quarters. I didn't tell S., but I had the information
about my legal rights if it became necessary to protect myself while
I searched for a new home.
Then, a couple of weeks later my mother died, which turned out to be
a blessing in disguise, because S. then felt guilty about how nasty
and cruel she was being. She stopped telling me to move out
immediately. It gave me the time to find the ideal place, here in the
Catskills. Around the same time, the investor for my music project
sent me a large check. She had been patiently waiting for my music to
start paying off, but I think her security issues caused her her have
doubts about the feasibility of the music project succeeding. The
arrival of that check at that time was a big relief, but also a
source of irony. That money would have helped...oh well, it's too
late for that now. I will always despise her for treating me with
such disregard, for me and for the 4 1/2 years of positive, loving,
caring and healing I lavished on her. I did not deserve that, me of
all people. I think I wasn't able to fully grieve and process the
death of my mother because of the hellish circumstances at the time.
I was walking in town this week and saw a sign in a store window
advertising Mother's Day cards, and I started to go in to buy one,
then realized that she was dead.
Some of her close friends expressed their dismay about her sudden and
unexpected change. M. was her photography teacher and best friend at
the time we met, M. told her "You can really find yourself with
Johnny". M. spent lots of time with us, went camping with us, took
the photograph that is on S's webpage. Now, they don't speak anymore.
When I spoke with her during the breakup, M. said to me "You of all
people don't deserve for her to treat you like that."
Even S. said just before I moved out that she believed that the
karmic purpose of our relationship was so that she could
experience "unconditional love" and healing from me, and now it was
time for her to move on to the next lesson. I didn't tell her what I
thought about her belief, because I needed to avoid any further
unpleasantness. (I still had one testicle intact, and I wanted very
much to keep it!) I bit my tongue quite often during those final
weeks while I waited for my new home to be available for me to move
in. A few times she had some lucid moments, when her elaborate
defense mechanisms were temporarily down. I'll never forget the time
she said, when a very puzzled look came over her face, a look of
astonishment, and she exclaimed "This is crazy, isn't it, us breaking
up." I said "Uh, YEAH!" She shook her head and stared off into space
for a moment, then she returned to her housecleaning.
I had several conversations with other of her close friends about the
absurdity of what was happening, on the phone and by e-mail. If she
knew what they said, she would turn against them too. I still have
their e-mails, several from as recently as today, 4/29/2002. Isn't
there something strange about the fact that if she knew what her
close friends said, she would become angry at them? I still have
close friends from 30 years ago. There is nothing that could be said
about us or to us that would suddenly stop the friendship. I have
seen her go through several groups of "close friends", even people
she called "soulmates", that she doesn't even speak to any more.
She moved to Middletown to be with yet another "soulmate", she made
big plans to start a farm and herb business with her. Shortly before
I moved out, that friend, L., said she could no longer work with S.,
because even a dispute about counting bottles of herbs turned into an
entire day of stress, with little snide, biting remarks, and angry
scowls. I said to multiply that by 1000, and there you have an idea
of what I went through. L. also told me she felt truly sorry for the
way things had turned out between S. and me, expressing her sympathy
for my ordeal. She said I deserved to be with a woman who can give me
back the kind of love and nurturing that I am capable of giving. I
jokingly referred to S.'s scowls as "scrunchy faces", often I would
use humor to defuse her anger. Did you ever hear the expression "If
looks could kill"? From About Face - by Professor Paul Ekman -
"Facial expressions are the best source of information we have about
how another person is feeling." M. said to S. one day, "You're a real
handful!". Another close friend that S. had for a few months,
Kerstin, told her "Wow, you're high maintenance!" S. always accused
me of being the only person who had problems with her. She needs to
know that is not true. She avoided dealing with her painful issues by
moving from one set of acquaintances to another, whenever a troubling
issue came up, she retreated from the friendship, devaluing the
former friend, and moving on to a fresh new "friend", who would be
more "understanding", until they too failed to live up to her
impossible expectations.
One time she said "You don't care what's important to me!!" I was
very perplexed by that, but very much in my tongue-biting mode,
needing to avoid any more arguments. I wanted to ask "Do you mean
that what's important to you is different from what you've been
saying it is for the past 4 years?" She had been telling me, her
friends, my friends and herself that she wanted the same things I
wanted. How did that change so dramatically? I didn't understand,
until now.
From the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D:
Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the borderline
banishes himself in other to preserve the all-good image of the otherperson.
After I began to suspect the truth about S. and E.'s relationship, I
told her it was too distressing for me, and that I didn't want to be
a part of some kind of love triangle. I'll never forget her response,
she said to me over the phone "Don't leave now, I beg of you.", with
a pleading voice. She then said that she really wanted to be with me,
and asked me to be patient while she extricated herself from E.'s
life. I now think that she "banished herself in other", and became
part of my dream for over 4 years. The second time she came to my
apartment, she said "You can hug me", and when I did, she melted into
my arms. She said then that she had never felt so safe before. She
repeated that many times over the years. I think she needed that
feeling of love and safety so badly that she dove headfirst into my
dream. When things got too scary for her there, she scurried away
from my dream, back into the American Dream, albeit a much hipper
version than her parents had. Just wait until she wakes up from that
one.
I'm sure that her new partner was told some variation of the "good
friend" story that S. told me about her relationship with E. I'm also
fairly certain that her new partner would have been completely
surprised if he had heard the conversation S. had with her friend
S.P. on September 6, 2001, wherein S. spoke enthusiastically about
our life together, and how happy she was about it. The thing that
worried me the most, after I realized that S. and E. had been
partners instead of "good friends", was that statistics show 100% of
romantic relationships, which begin while one partner is still in a
live-in relationship, are doomed to failure. In an article I read, a
psychologist referred those kind of relationships as "rubber
crutches."
The part I don't understand is, why, when she lost herself in me, did
she feel like she had finally found herself, for over 4 years? Why
did her closest friends think that she had found herself, and why
were they all so happy about it, even downright overjoyed? And why
did I get "banished to the dungeon?"
I said to her one night that I needed time to heal, that I didn't
feel like my old self, my Lyme disease symptoms had reappeared, and
that I had even lost my old guitar magic. I said would need some time
to recuperate. I was feeling extra weary that week, because she
really wanted the garden dug, and kept hinting about it, so I dug the
garden, during the hottest heat wave of last summer. My clothing was
soaked with sweat, which was pouring off me profusely. I was already
feeling sick, that made it worse. Still, I wasn't complaining about
it, I just said I needed to recuperate. I pleaded with her to try to
understand. The thing I said that hurt her was that sometimes I felt
like we were incompatible. She brought that up several times later
on. That's all I said. I was hurting, tired, wounded. Eternal
banishment to the dungeon was way too much punishment for that. Not
even John Ashcroft would be in favor of sentencing that severe.
Before I moved out, I was finally able to get her to realize that she
had BPD traits. We went over the BPD symptoms list, and she
acknowledged that she had many of the traits on the diagnostic list.
At first she was very upset, because we knew a BPD woman who is what
is known as "Borderline Severe", who was obviously very disturbed,
much more so than S. I explained that it was just like a wino who
sleeps in a cardboard box on the street, and a man in a castle who
sips fine cognac all day both have the same problem, just to varying
degrees.
I wish I imagined all this, or was exagerating it, or had
hallucinated the entire episode, that way I could take a few cents
worth of Thorazine and feel better.
If she thought she was going to finally get the approval she needed
from a father figure, she'd better look elsewhere. She should have
taken out her pain and sickness on her real father, not on substitute
father figures in her life. Her father was a strict Catholic Air
Force officer, a glorified drive-by shooter in Vietnam, he was away
dropping bombs on Vietnamese villages, in cowardly crimes against
humanity, when she was a small child. His absence really bothered
her, it was one of the first things she told me about. One of the
contributing factors of BPD is an absent father, it causes their
intense fear of abandonment, as well as security issues. The anal-
retentive jerk also criticised her for her not living up to his
expectations for her academic achievements, even belittling her for
it, favoring her brother who had better grades in school. That
bothers her to this day, and any time a friend or co-worker
criticizes her work, she reacts angrily, reacting to her phantom
father, who still lurks menacingly in her pysche. A bizarre and
highly inappropriate remark he made to her when she was about 10 also
bothered her, she mentioned it several times. The strict religious
upbringing also was a source of torment, as is all too often the case
in this dyfunctional society. He pinched her very hard on the upper
arm if she squirmed in her seat too much during church services,
causing her pain, creating resentment. The Catholic Church is the
source of more sexual repression, guilt, shame and self loathing than
just about any other force on Earth. The Catholic Church is
responsible for the pyschological genital mutilation of countless
children, as well as sexual molestations that have gone on for 1500
years.
Boston's Church Needs Cash for Suits
BOSTON (AP) - Faced with hundreds of potential litigants, Boston's
Roman Catholic archdiocese is contemplating mortgaging or even
selling its headquarters to pay the rising toll of its priest abuse
scandal.
Just One Seminary Left in Ireland
Thu Aug 29, 2002
By SHAWN POGATCHNIK, Associated Press Writer
DUBLIN, Ireland (AP) - The Roman Catholic Church in Ireland, whose
network of theological schools once exported priests worldwide,
closed another hallowed institution Thursday, leaving just a single
seminary in this predominantly Catholic country.
The directors of St. Patrick's College in Thurles, County Tipperary
in southwest Ireland said that their few remaining seminarians would
transfer immediately to the church's flagship seminary, Maynooth
College near Dublin, which is struggling to produce enough priests
for the next generation of Irish Catholics.
St. Patrick's closing, along with others, is indicative of a
declining observance of the Catholic faith in Ireland and growing
public anger at church authorities' mishandling of decades of sexual
abuse within the church.
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Well, that's good news! It seems that too many priests have been
caught celebrating their favorite ritual, The Feast of the Ejaculate!
Another troublesome event during her childhood was when she overheard
her mother, who was a shallow fashion model and functional alcoholic,
talking about her extramarital affairs. S. mentioned that several
times, even remembering the words her mother used, that she "could
count the number of affairs" she had "on her fingers and toes." S.,
and way too many other children in America are victims of the
sickness and hypocrisy of this society and it's so-called "values".
This toxic and sick society churns out dysfunctional, wounded
creatures, like some hellish robot factory.
If her parents were at all competent, they would have known about the
private torments that she suffered as a teenage girl, painful
experiences she couldn't talk to them about, because she was afraid
they would disown her, even hate her. Those events continue to
torment her to this day. The event that traumatized her the most was
the result of her striking out in rebellion against her father and
his Catholic guilt, but it only hurt her, because her parents never
knew about it. Nobody else knew about it until she told me all the
things that were bothering her. She said that she had never been able
to talk about those things before, with anyone. When S. accused me of
turning her against her parents, that was one of the most absurd and
irrational accusations that she made during her ball biting attacks
at the end, (when she proved herself to be the champion Pit Bull of
bitchiness.) She hadn't spoken to her father in years, not since he
told her that he thought she was going to burn in hell. I had urged
her deal with her unresolved conflict with her parents by informing
them of her grievances. That is the only way to deal with it. Her
parents should be sued for malparenting, like most American parents,
not protected from the knowledge of the lasting ill-effects their
toxic "parenting" has had on their offspring. S. was very upset when
she told her mother about the pain she felt during her childhood, and
her mother refused to take responsibility for the pain she had
inflicted on her daughter, dismissing it, copping out by saying "Oh
well, we all make mistakes." Dysfunctional "family secrets" are what
enable this wretched and sick society to continue it's cycle of
abuse. It must be stopped.
Whenever S. met a new circle of acquaintances, she would be so
excited about her new friends, and become very involved with them
immediately. I noticed that she would go through personality changes,
depending on the personalities of her new friends and associates. I
remarked several times that she appeared to be some kind of social
chameleon, and she acknowledged that, and said it was because she
moved so many times as a child, from one Air Force base to another.
She felt robbed of a normal childhood, without a chance to make
lasting connections and friendships.
A man will do crazy things to win the approval of a beautiful woman.
And he often ends up like poor Samson after Delilah got a hold of
him. I will recover in time, but this is the single most painful and
confusing episode of my entire life. More devastating than finding my
dear sister dead after her suicide. And that was plenty bad. Because
I found her body, the police questioned me, asking me if I had killed
her. Later, I heard some fat, stupid women sitting on their front
steps on my block in the Little Italy section of Brooklyn, NY, saying
as I walked by "That's the guy who killed his sister." This absurd
heartbreak is more painful than my bouts with serious illness, a
hellish legal nightmare, more absurd and confusing that any of my
ordeals thus far. I had no idea how physically painful a heartbreak
could be until now. It's the sheer callousness of her betrayal that
is even more painful than the breakup itself.
S. and I met after she heard me playing my music on WPKN radio in
Bridgeport, CT, on Dec.22, 1996. She said she started dancing when
she heard me playing "Blues from the Future" (little did I know then
how bad the blues would be!).
Review of "Blues from the Future" from The Global Muse Indie Music
Network:
This is kind of a sinister style of acoustic blues and jazz. The
music takes on a sort of dark side mixed with cool licks. This is a
great acoustic piece and I enjoyed listening to it. It's not often
that you get to hear an acoustic guitar played in this manner."
I gave out my mailing address on the radio show. She sent me a card,
we wrote each other, and were falling in love before we met. I played
again on WPKN in March, 1997. I said "Hi" to her on the radio. We met
a couple of weeks later, and spent almost every day together for the
next 4 years. I deserved much more from her after all I was to her,
all I helped her do, all we went through together.
I received 2 cards after that WPKN concert. One from Faith Vicinanza,
founder of The Connecticut Poet, a mover and shaker in the New
England poetry scene. I introduced S. to Faith, and coaxed her to
recite her poetry. I encouraged her poetry and photography, and
helped her to get it out there. E. and his circle of friends had not
been supportive of her artistic talents, in fact, they discouraged
her. E. told her that nobody would buy her photographs because they
were "school girl" quality. His friend told D.M. that her poetry gave
her a headache, after D.M. asked her to read some of it. (S. was
still going by her given name, D. M., when I met her, S.W. was who
she wanted to be, and who I helped her to become.) She wrote love
poems about me during our courtship, while she was still living with
E. I edited her poetry for her, and co-wrote poems with her.
I held her hand the first time she read her love poetry on the radio,
after I coaxed her into reciting it. She read her poetry at Faith's
events, and the Pauline Oliveros Foundation's Deep Listening Space
after I sent Pauline some of her poetry. Her photographs were
exhibited at the Gallery at Deep Listening Space, after I sent
Pauline S's photography. In August of 200 we both participated in
Deep Listening Day 2000, held in honor of Pauline Oliveros at Lincoln
Center in NYC. Several months ago we both participated in the
Connecticut Poetry Festival in Middletown, Faith was one of the
founders of the festival. During the breakup, when S. told me that
her creativity was languishing because of our relationship, that was
probably the most irrational thought she concocted about me during
her "devaluation" process. When I told M., her former photography
teacher, about what S. had told me, M. said "If she's saying that,
then she really isn't thinking clearly right now." The frustrating
thing to me was that S. would often conveniently "forget" saying such
things, and often say "I never said that!", as if I had made it all
up. I think BPD's devalue their former friends and lovers in order to
make breaking up easier to bear.
A review of one of our poetry & music concerts:
12/13/00
"S_____ W______ and Johnny Asia at Bethel Arts Junction. I drove over
the river and through the woods. The evening had such a wintry
feeling. Johnny's guitar reminded me of the extremity of a fast
sleigh ride in deep cold, while S_____'s poetry was more like water
dripping off the end of an icicle, or the magnetism of looking
closely at snowflakes. A lot to experience, a lot to think about..."
StamfordWrites.org, Catherine Ednie
A year later, on 12/17/01, I moved out. I told her that I still loved
her the same. She wept bitterly as I drove away. I had no idea that
she was already pregnant with her new boyfriend's baby. I had no idea
she was that involved with anyone, just like E. had no idea about
what was going on between S. & me.
To make things even more ironic and painful, legendary Jazz musician
Joe McPhee released a new CD, with Joe Giardullo. On middle of the
inside label of the CD label there is a dedication that reads "Thanks
to Johnny Asia, Guitarist from the Future, Davo, and S_______
W_________...." One of the songs was named "S______", after her. The
song was dedicated to our love. Joe G. had told me about the CD last
year, and said that he and Joe J. had a surprise for S., the song
they named after her. Joe J. and Joe G. were very much inspired by
the obvious love S. and I had for each other. Many people told us the
same thing. Joe sent us 2 copies of the CD, one for each of us, when
it was released. They arrived during the worst part of the breakup.
"[Joe McPhee is] probably the best saxophone/cornet instrumentalist
in the history of jazz." - Cadence Magazine
LISTEN AND BUY THE CD
From the inside of the CD cover:
"Johnny's music is universal in the truest sense of the term. It
embraces the musics of this world and anticipates those yet to be
discovered in the future. In a ... concert at Pauline Oliveros
Foundation's Gallery at Deep Listening Space, Johnny's riveting
performance transported the audience across time to places MTV can
only dream about." - Joe McPhee
When I found the cottage near Woodstock, NY where I now live, I e-
mailed several NY arts organizations to inform them that I was moving
back to the area. (S. and I had planned to move here together, 2
years ago we were in this very town where I now live, making plans to
move here, but that was several personality changes ago, and a few
dimensional shifts ago. We camped together near here, and visited
with friends in the area.) I got a reply from the host of the
Woodstock Roundtable show on WDST radio in Woodstock, NY, voted
the "coolest radio station in the world" by its listeners and members
of the music/radio industry. He invited me to play live on his show
on December 23, which was 5 years and 1 day from the radio show S.
first heard me playing on. Gus Mancini is the music director of the
show, he loved my music, and that same day he came to my cottage. We
started a band that day, The Woodstock Quantum Ensemble. The name for
the band came to me during a fast on the Spring Equinox, I was down
by the Esopus Creek, I saw an otter there, and when I looked at my
watch to catch the exact moment of the equinox, 2:16 PM, the name
popped into my head. Like the saying goes - "You can't keep a good
man down.
Today I received this from someone who knew us both :
"You contributed something to her that made her who she is today, it
was your gift, she will always have it, even under these
circumstances where her perception is clouded, and you will always
have given her that, the truth of it is the truth of it. I am sorry
for all the trauma you have had in the last 8 months. Honor yourself
and move on as you need to. I wish you all the moments of grief and
sadness you need and can bare, and all the promise of tomorrow.
With love and respect. - (name)
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BPD episodes are sometimes triggered by a stressful event. On Sept.
6, 2001, I played a concert at the Knitting Factory in New York City,
which is a few blocks from the World Trade Center. S. & I often spent
the night at an artist friend's loft, just 2 blocks from the World
Trade Center.
On that fateful day of Sept. 11, 2001, I was practicing guitar and
watching the TV news when the first reports about the WTC came in. I
called S. in to watch, then we both saw the live event of the 2nd
airplane hitting the other tower, then exploding in a huge ball a
flames. I'll never forget the look on her face, and she mumbled "I
don't want to be seeing this", in a very disturbed, quivering voice,
and a very shocked look on her face. The news footage showed a large
piece of wreckage embedded in the building where we had spent the
night several times, whenever I played in New York City. It turned
out that our friends had to run for their lives from the cloud of
debris. S. went into some kind of hyper-defensive mode. She said "I
never want to go to NYC again. If you play there again I won't go
there with you." And, in another strange twist, her father works at
the Pentagon, and had left his office shortly before the jet crashed
into the building. He would have been killed if he hadn't left his
office.
She always did overreact to stressful events, we often joked about
her being "a tiny mouse". When she came home from work to discover
that there had been a fire in our apartment building, she started
shaking so badly that the firemen put a blanket on her and took her
to lie down in the firetruck. She was shaken more than those of us
who actually were in the building at the time of the fire. And this
time, I swear to God, I saw a dramatic change come over her, she went
into a place only a BPD person could go to, this time she went
someplace where I couldn't follow.
Just 4 months after I moved out, she is already having another man's
baby. I was recently told that the announcements for the baby shower
went out weeks ago. She began that relationship during the time that
I moved to Middletown, and dug the garden with her, and bought this
year's garden supplies with her, put up her shelves, etc. Her "best
friend" S.P. was "shocked" to learn of this new development. He
really is a friend, but she would drop him like a hot potato in a
heartbeat too. I think he knows that. S.P. met S. and me in New York
City after my Knitting Fatory gig on Sept. 6, 2001. S. & S.P. spoke
for almost an hour, she told him about how great our life was going.
He couldn't believe it a few weeks later when he found out we were
breaking up. He said the conversations he had with her a few weeks
after our meeting in NYC "didn't add up". He said "it must seem very
unreal, or rather surreal, to you."
S. and were engaged to be married in 1999, while we were living in
New Haven, CT, where we had moved so that S. could be near M., her
former friend and ex-soulmate. I believed there were several
obstacles to overcome before we had any children. Her Hypothyroidism
was causing her many problems, and Hypothyroidism is known to be a
major cause of birth defects, miscarriages and other problems during
pregancy. Also, "mothers who suffer from borderline personality
disorder produce children who may flounder in life". S. was not yet
aware that she had BPD. My music hadn't started to pay off yet
either, and I was so close to finally achieving success that I could
not abandon my music and take a "safe" job. Recently, S. wrote that
her Hypothyroid test came back normal, and she thanked me for my help
and guidance in her healing process. Also, my music career has
finally taken off. And now, S. is aware of her BPD traits, and her
recovery from that can begin. Oh well, after all that hard work, and
another man is reaping the rewards. I'm even paying for their bed on
my maxed out Sears card.
If I am wrong about all this, and she really doesn't have BorderlinePersonality Disorder, then S. is the bimbo from Lala-Land in Hell to
have treated me this way. At least BPD is treatable. There is no
known cure for the Bimbonic Plague.
If anyone thinks that her emotional problems are going to magically
disappear when she has the baby, ask yourself this question - Did
that work for your mom??
Someone should give S. these books, (but they'd better duck when they
hand them to her):
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend
the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine
Ann Lawson Ph. D.
"Dr. Christine Ann Lawson vividly describes how mothers who suffer
from borderline personality disorder produce children who may
flounder in life even as adults, futilely struggling to reach the
safety of a parental harbor, unable to recognize that their
borderline parent lacks a pier, or even a discernible shore.
Four character profiles describe different symptom clusters that
include the waif mother, the hermit mother, the queen mother, and the
witch. Children of borderlines are at risk for developing this
complex and devastating personality disorder themselves. Dr. Lawson's
recommendations for prevention include empathic understanding of the
borderline mother and early intervention with her children to ground
them in reality and counteract the often dangerous effects of living
with a "make-believe" mother.
The author identifies four separate composites or profiles for the
different kinds of borderline mothers; thereby being especially
useful in exploding the myth that all borderlines act and sound
alike. Many persons suffering from this ailment go undiagnosed
because they do not threaten suicide, or engage in otherwise self-
destructive behavior."
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You
Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
This book will assist families in understanding their loved one's
behavior and thinking. It will help them understand what is going on
inside the borderline when sometimes all the family can see is chaos.
I believe this book will empower many families. It is important to
remember that borderlines are not bad people and they do not set out
to hurt the very ones they love, but rather their cognitive
distortions and chaotic behavior of course hurt those around them
severely.