Trading emails with Jen has made me realize how really damaged my
relationship with Elena is, and how very little I want to make the
effort to fix it:
ME:
Friday I went to dinner & a movie with Elena. It started out "meet at
Suzi's at 7" and then she sent an email saying it would be more like
7:20 or so. So I took my sweet time, stopped at Central Market to
browse on the way, and at 6:59 she is calling my cell phone,
wondering where I am, and hoping that she didn't tell me the
wrong Suzi's location. Argh. If you say "I probably wont' get there
until around 7:20", I am not going to bust my ass to
go all the way across town by 7 and wait for your flaky ass. WTF.
From now on, I am just going to leave all planning up to her. Fuck
this. But dinner was fine, and then we saw The Scorpion King, which
was just too silly and fun. I liked it. It was way better than the
Conan movies, and that's saying something, because I realllly liked
those.
=================================
JEN:
Yargh!!! What is Elena's deal? I could see Jen E. doing something
like that - she is always late, so the rest of us either plan to meet
on time for drinks before she gets there, or plan to be late as well.
If she ever manages to show up on time, and no one else is there, I
bet she'd have a cow.
ME:
You know, keeping up friendships is hard enough when
everyone is making an effort. But when one person doesn't seem to be
trying, it doesn't seem to be worth the effort. I don't think I'll
spend much more time w/ Elena. Going to movies & shallow stuff is OK,
but I don't get the impression that she has gained much depth since
age 18, or that she's really interested in me as a person. Her wierdo
friend Fred is the one who told her she needed to hang out more with
me, and it seems that she's obeying Fred rather than acting from her
own wants. Now, she and Fred aren't friends anymore, and she did
mention that she's now questioning everything she learned from him,
bla bla, so maybe she is working up to telling me she doesn't
think we have enough in common to bother with one another. That's
fine with me. I agree.
JEN:
v.v.v. true. Its really too bad re: Elena... but it sounds like
getting together has engendered more drama than quality friendship
time. For awhile, there was a bit of that with Kim & Vanessa, but its
been much less since the whole Jen E. drama. In retrospect, she was
the source of most of the drama. When it's just me, K & V we agree on
a place right away, meet on time, etc.
ME:
I guess I'll go ahead and keep my plans to go out with Elena on her
b-day the 23, but after that I'll just start thinking of nice ways to
blow her off, unless she blows me off first. I was pretty hurt when
she basically told me that she was hanging out with me because her
friend Fred had told her to spend more time with me, and I guess I
just haven't gotten over that. If someone is so shallow as to let
another friend tell her who she should and should not be spending
time with, how soon before another friend comes along and tells her
NOT to spend time with me, and then she dumps me based on that
friend's advice? So immature. So shallow. gah. AND trying to make
plans with her for Memorial Day weekend has caused me to miss other
MD opportunities. And now she's blown me off, has something better to
do that weekend, but 'maybe we can get together that Monday'...If I
have any $ left over by then, I may just spend the weekend in San
Antonio by myself or go camping or something.
JEN:
As for Elena, whatever solid, more or less confirmed plans you have
should be kept. To the extent that she waffles on them in the future,
feel free to cancel. I wouldn't make plans with her in the future,
either. What is the point, if she is just going through the motions
(kinda like Jen E....) and flakes. I am very sorry about the business
with Fred's advice. I can't believe she even told you that. I can
see that it's v. hurtful.... and so bizarre. I mean, you don't know
Fred, do you? So what does he care who she hangs out with? And
usually, its the other way around, telling someone that you don't
think she should hang out with so-and-so. If she didn't want to stay
in touch/hang out, it seems weird that she would do it just because
he told her to. Like he is some kind of life-guru for her, or what?
And then to tell you that she is now questioning everything he ever
told her. How could she not see that you would think exactly what
you're thinking? The last several Elena stories, I have tried to give
her the benefit of the doubt.... and I also know that you don't want
to just chuck a friendship over smallish things. But this is getting
to be a big thing... or, at least, an oft-repeated thing, to the
extent that her cavalier-ness just isn't being a flake, it actually
means she doesn't care. I am so sorry to have to say that.... but,
yeah. I agree with you.
*big hug* This whole situation sucks.
ME:
I don't think Elena is a bad person, I just think she is selfish and
shallow and doesn't have any tact. She is smart and attractive enough
that I don't think those negative qualities are a liability in her
life (meaning: she won't ever have a reason to change them). But I'm
done with her, as mean as that may sound. I just don't have the time
and emotional reserves to bother with caring about someone who isn't
willing/able to care in return. I've been accused of being cold
hearted and 'what's in it for me' but that isn't it at all. I just
don't believe in being a doormat or an audience for anyone.
And, yes, Fred was her 'life-guru'. He'd started this group, it
sounds like 4-5 women and himself, and he was kind of the leader,
doing guided meditations, reading new age books and discussing them,
assigning little 'self improvement projects' to everyone in the
group. So...yeah, a guru. I thought it was harmless & silly, maybe
even a little bit helpful; her last project for the group was to make
a collage of things that represent where she wants to be in 1 year.
But then he turned creepy/sexual predator, and now she is all freaked
that whatever she learned from him is bogus, too. That's like saying
that Shakespeare sucks just because you had a bad prof. No! Maybe
Elena just needs gurus. I was kind of her guru at Tulane, come to
think of it...
JEN:
I think you're right on re: Elena. And, I agree that you shouldn't
be a doormat/audience. Basically a doll that she can take down and
play with when she feels like it, and forget the rest of the time.
No one could justifiably call you cold-hearted for resenting/not
wanting to do that.
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