224 What's goin' on?

 

• Jan. 4, 2002

   

  My diaryland entry for today:
  ===============================================
  Ahh, gardening. It's an addiction. I love it. Never mind that 90% of
  the stuff I plant dies miserably, it's still one of the things I look
  forward to every year. Looking through all the pretty catalogs,
  picking out the things that strike my fancy, dreaming up grandiose
  garden plans...and watching everything shrivel up and die in July-
  August. [not to mention the cherry bushes that fell into the creek,
  which had actually survived the summer & everything. poop!] Ah well.
  There's always more catalogs & more pretty pictures next year.
  
  
  This morning, I cut out pictures from [Seymour's Selected Seeds] one
  catalog that is absolutely gorgeous, but nothing I've ever ordered
  from them has grown worth a toot. I put all the little flower
  pictures all over my cubie at work. Kind of nice, but probably scary-
  looking if you're not me.
  
  
  [pictures inserted here, wish I could do this in this yahoo club]
  
  Dianthus barbatus nigrescens Sooty 
  Dianthus chinensis heddewigii Black and White Minstrels 
  www.thompson-morgan.com
  
  
  I think I am going to plant some of these little guys in my garden
  this year. They are cute, nice-smelling, and EDIBLE.
  
  
  What else can you ask for in life?
  
  ===============================
  
  I've been coughing up random bits of sludge from my lungs. I was
  really wheezing at the grocery store last nite. I bought an HEB-brand
  asthma inhaler. I know, I don't have asthma 'officially' but it
  seemed to work, in addition to speeding up my heart rate & scaring
  me. I could actually breathe & expand my lungs without getting a
  hitch and coughing until I thought I was gonna pass out. Nice.
  
  I got stuff to make hot & sour soup. I'm happy.I'll do that tonite. :)
  lots & lots of soup!!!!
  =========================
  Wrote an ugly rant about u-no-hoo in nonBPnook. It was triggered by
  this:
  
  ME: It's not intent or non-intent that is the problem.
  It is the fact that once she is in your life, she will continue to
  treat your precious things, your feelings, everything and
  everyone you value, with little or no thought or consideration. She
  may move a set of candles off your coffee table into a sunny window
  to make room for something she prefers to have on the table, and the
  candles will melt into a puddle, and it won't be like she
  deliberately destroyed them, it will just be *shrug* "You should
  have burned those long ago, anyway" or whatever. Nothing will ever
  be her fault. She will never be sorry. She will be the perfect rose
  and you will be the stinky sewer in any situation. Do you enjoy
  feeling like that?
  
  
  STEVEN: no, but there are many other elements of my
  relationship that i do enjoy feeling. one of them is
  the intensity of the love. the extreme attraction. the
  wonderful feeling of a hug from him. after 15yrs, to
  still be so attracted to one's spouse, i think is
  rare. don't you?
  please remember that not all of us fit into the same
  box. and some of us have more tolerance for this sort
  of thing. actually, i detatch when things get ugly. i
  know i am loved and i try to work past the conflict.
  just because you left or were left doesn't mean we all
  should. i am sorry you're bitter. you obviously
  weren't up for it. i realized from the start that
  this would take work. it's a little late to go back on
  my word now, or to deny my feelings. that would
  actually make me feel worse
  steven
  
  
  =====
  To which I replied:
  ============
  I am not committed to the BP in my life, but someone I love dearly is
  committed to her. I have given up trying to cultivate a friendship
  with her, because I get tired of being the piece of stinky poo while
  she is the perfect rose. No matter what happens or how hard I try to
  be nice or how much I just sit and smile and nod, something always
  happens. So I am not interested in trying to be emotionally close to
  her anymore, not for his sake, not for the sake of family peace, not
  to educate her on how to be a real person, not because she is
  desperately lonely and needy, not because we have interests in common
  & could maybe have fun hanging out together. No. I am not interested
  in being her friend. I just want to figure out how to get along with
  her and keep from setting her off for the sake of the person we have
  in common, my brother, who is her husband.
  
  I HATE HATE HATE watching her fuck him up. And I have learned the
  hard way (actually, It is a lesson that I keep having to learn) that
  I have to keep my fucking mouth shut and just let her step all over
  him and treat him like crap if I want to have even a small part in
  his life.
  
  I can't tell BPSIL how I feel, because then I'm the EVIL that will be
  eradicated from their lives. I can't tell HIM how I feel, because
  then he has to DEFEND her against EVIL nasty me.
  
  Our last real conversation went something like this:
  
  ME: "I don't like the way she treats you. She treats you like a
  slave! She talks to you and about you like you're crap! I can't just
  sit there and watch her treat you so bad."
  
  HIM: "I can't spend time with you if you're going to talk about her
  that way. She is my life partner and I won't let you beat up on her
  like that!"
  
  So for me, I just have to learn how to cope with this unwanted person
  in my family, in order to keep a relationship that I value and stay
  in touch with a person I love and care for more than he loves and
  cares for himself.
  
  It sucks ass. I catch myself wondering if it's even worth my mental
  health, time & trouble to try and maintain this relationship, which
  all the effort, all the 'caving in' and admitting fault, all the
  sucking up and kissing butt, is going to be done by me.
  
  *sigh*
  
  =============================
  I didn't realize I was still so angry at/about her. I thought I'd
  pretty much washed my hands. But apparently not. *sigh* Sad E. And,
  no, it really isn't worth my time, trouble, and mental health