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evileToday's thought from Hazelden is:
Letting Go of Old Beliefs
Try harder. Do better. Be perfect.
These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we've done.
Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.
We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.
We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it - today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.
God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.
You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of of Hazelden.
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I think that the error I have made in the past and sometimes continue to make is to keep people in my life who expect me to be "perfect" and to assume that their demands for my perfection are correct and proper, and that I am wrong, evil, and undeserving because I cannot meet those demands. Part of me really, really wants to.
But, of course, there is the small inner voice going "Hey, why are YOU demanding that I be perfect all the time and never fuck anything up ever, but if I mention that you've done something clumsy, hurtful, thoughtless, or otherwise imperfect, for some reason that is OK, and I'm not allowed to be hurt or offended because 'that's just the way [person] is'?"
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no subject
Date: 2012-05-18 03:07 am (UTC)Yes.
I try to make allowances for 'that's just how [person] is' but if someone is complaining about it, I may allow as how it annoys me at times, as well.
What bugs me most is when someone demands allowances and refuses to give them. Sure, you can be you, but I need to get to be me, and if all the accommodation of differences is going just one way, that's incredibly unfair. And if the excuse is that the one being accommodated is less mature, how is all that accommodation going to help with that? If the excuse is that the accommodated has been through a lot, well, hell, so have I, and I'm not demanding to the same degree. How are people going to have any interest in improving themselves without some kind of motivation?
I don't know where all of that came from. (Some of it, yes, but not all of it.)
no subject
Date: 2012-05-18 01:07 pm (UTC)Others can take it as a reminder of personal inadequacy. I can fall into the trap of 'good enough' pretty easily, and sometimes, that competitive spirit is the thing that keeps me from slipping into mediocrity.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-18 07:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 01:18 pm (UTC)I have run into the situation where, if I "mention that [someone has] done something clumsy, hurtful, thoughtless, or otherwise imperfect" that affects me, the response is "Well I am not perfect; let me list all the things I think are wrong with you...; you need to look at yourself instead of saying anything to me". Instead of apologizing for the hurt or trying to make amends, the person essentially takes the position that, so long as I am imperfect, I cannot criticize or point out any hurtful behaviors in others.
Personally, I struggle with finding a happy place between my desire for perfection and making excuses for my continuing dysfunctional behaviors.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 02:38 pm (UTC)I think what you are talking about is a healthy level of "perfectionism"...and there's nothing wrong with striving to achieve a personal best, to learn as much as you can, to achieve higher levels of communication and understanding with your partners and friends, to do the best you can professionally, to achieve a personal best with fitness training, etc.
I think this sort of striving for perfection is good, and when we hear newage things like "you are good enough as you are, right this minute" or "you are perfect as you are" we resist that, because we always want to improve ourselves mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And that, IMHO, is good. Even competition is good, as long as people understand that "I am not a better PERSON than you because I won this game," or whatever. Many people are motivated by trying to keep up with or outpace someone else that they respect and admire. That's fine, as long as there's not a story going along with that saying you are a bad person, or a failure if you lose. There's no shame in trying your best, even if your own best isn't as good as someone elses best.
Pathological perfectionism, OTOH, is when you beat up on yourself for NOT beating yesterday's bike ride time, or for not being able to understand that latest article in Science News right away or for making a social faux pas that offended someone you respect, or saying something careless that hurt someone you care about.
And, in my experience and opinion, it borders on an abusive relationship to keep people in your life who beat you up about mistakes, or refuse to forgive, or refuse to allow second chances. (Self included!!!)
I think it's always good to try your best. But I think it's SUPER important to remember that your best is going to vary from day to day, that sometimes you're going to make mistakes, and it's really, really OK to mess up. And only keep people in your life who know that you are human and accept that you're human, and allow you to make mistakes and apologize and be forgiven, knowing that in the end, you're on the same "team" and you're not making mistakes or hurting feelings out of deliberate malice but because you're human and you mess up. People who know that some conversations are going to be uncomfortable or even painful, but are necessary for the relationship to grow and deepen. ("I'm not bringing this up to hurt you, I'm talking about this because I am needing to understand what happened. I'm talking about this because I'm still hurt and confused and I need your help to figure it out. I'm talking about this because I want to figure out how to do better if this situation comes up again,")
You made a mistake, that doesn't make you a bad person. Pathological Perfection is a state which has you making negative value judgements on yourself or others because they are imperfect. Pathological Perfection is a state which eventually grinds you down so far that you say "Why bother, I can't do it perfectly so I'm not going to do it at all," and you just become a passive, self-hating shell. (Been There, Done That)
So, in a certain way, yes, it's important to believe you are perfect just as you are, in this exact moment, in the sense that you are a human being who is worthy of the same respect, kindness, and love as any other human being. Your imperfections and striving for improvement are for you--not to prove yourself to anyone, not to make those outer or inner voices stop abusing you, but for your own growth and happiness.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 02:46 pm (UTC)and I totally get caught up in the unfairness of "well, so and so behaved badly to me, why should I treat so and so better than they treat me?"....at some point you either just have to let go of the person, or let go of the expectation. Letting go of people is easier, but letting go of expectations is probably healthier. I may get there someday :)
*hugs*