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evileSo, my mom and X*'s family were friends long before X and I were born. Even though X has made a lot of mistakes and fucked over anyone who ever cared about her, of course her family has stayed in touch with her and with my mom. I'm the only one who took myself out of that loop.
X's stepdad wrote my mom this email:
> [X] called me this afternoon and said she's
> developed advanced ovarian
> cancer. She's meeting her GP and Oncologist tomorrow to
> discuss their findings
> and options. She has also been scheduled for surgery next
> Thursday ( Sept 10)
> and I expect that we'll find out then if the mass has
> metastized (if not
> tomorrow).
I really hated her and wanted her dead.
Now that I'm about to get my wish, apparently, my mom wanted me to know what was going on and tell me I should reconcile. Not as in BFF again but as in "Yom Kippur"...whatever that means.
*background: here's the short version of the X story, and here are the tags relating to or about her in some way.
One of the things I have recently realized is problematic, even pathological, is my tendency to think in terms of all or nothing. The ACOA book I read recently suggests that this black and white thinking is a common trait in adult children of alcoholics. I don't know how to forgive or forget. I don't know how to be OK with someone fucking me over and destroying the childhood of kids I loved...I don't know how to talk to her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesnt' exist anymore. Except when her family or mine reminds me that she does. And then it hurts and makes me sick. So...I don't know how to do this yom kippur thing, whatever it is.
Here we are at the proverbial "wouldn't cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire" moment...now, do I cross the street?
X's stepdad wrote my mom this email:
> [X] called me this afternoon and said she's
> developed advanced ovarian
> cancer. She's meeting her GP and Oncologist tomorrow to
> discuss their findings
> and options. She has also been scheduled for surgery next
> Thursday ( Sept 10)
> and I expect that we'll find out then if the mass has
> metastized (if not
> tomorrow).
I really hated her and wanted her dead.
Now that I'm about to get my wish, apparently, my mom wanted me to know what was going on and tell me I should reconcile. Not as in BFF again but as in "Yom Kippur"...whatever that means.
*background: here's the short version of the X story, and here are the tags relating to or about her in some way.
One of the things I have recently realized is problematic, even pathological, is my tendency to think in terms of all or nothing. The ACOA book I read recently suggests that this black and white thinking is a common trait in adult children of alcoholics. I don't know how to forgive or forget. I don't know how to be OK with someone fucking me over and destroying the childhood of kids I loved...I don't know how to talk to her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesnt' exist anymore. Except when her family or mine reminds me that she does. And then it hurts and makes me sick. So...I don't know how to do this yom kippur thing, whatever it is.
Here we are at the proverbial "wouldn't cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire" moment...now, do I cross the street?
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 11:54 pm (UTC)http://www.scribd.com/doc/12751512/Learn-Five-Languages-of-Apology-for-the-Workplace
Until she's apologized to you in a manner that is acceptable to you, you don't owe her forgiveness for what she's done to you.
If you can forgive her in your heart sometime after she dies, then great -- that will be one less thing bothering you. But you should not be expected to express forgiveness to her until she has sufficiently apologized to you.
I don't think a Yom Kippur sort of thing is possible here unless she acknowledges the wrongs she's done to you. Sin is defined someplace as anything that separates a person from God; a more secular definition might be, sin is anything that separates one person from another. I think that the sins and transgressions were more on her end, and that you should not be made to suffer for standing up against being used.
("Use things, love people; don't love things and use people" is one of the rules of thumb my mom gave me that make great sense. If you were used by someone you loved, the sin is on their end. Does any of that make sense?)