...

[evile]

So, my mom and X*'s family were friends long before X and I were born. Even though X has made a lot of mistakes and fucked over anyone who ever cared about her, of course her family has stayed in touch with her and with my mom. I'm the only one who took myself out of that loop.

X's stepdad wrote my mom this email:

> [X] called me this afternoon and said she's
> developed advanced ovarian
> cancer. She's meeting her GP and Oncologist tomorrow to
> discuss their findings
> and options. She has also been scheduled for surgery next
> Thursday ( Sept 10)
> and I expect that we'll find out then if the mass has
> metastized (if not
> tomorrow).

I really hated her and wanted her dead.

Now that I'm about to get my wish, apparently, my mom wanted me to know what was going on and tell me I should reconcile. Not as in BFF again but as in "Yom Kippur"...whatever that means.


*background: here's the short version of the X story, and here are the tags relating to or about her in some way.

One of the things I have recently realized is problematic, even pathological, is my tendency to think in terms of all or nothing. The ACOA book I read recently suggests that this black and white thinking is a common trait in adult children of alcoholics. I don't know how to forgive or forget. I don't know how to be OK with someone fucking me over and destroying the childhood of kids I loved...I don't know how to talk to her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesnt' exist anymore. Except when her family or mine reminds me that she does. And then it hurts and makes me sick. So...I don't know how to do this yom kippur thing, whatever it is.

Here we are at the proverbial "wouldn't cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire" moment...now, do I cross the street?

Comments

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Becoming friends or incurring obligations doesn't have to / shouldn't enter into it at all.

and I don't really understand how that would work. I feel dumb, but I can't get my head around how to do that.

I liked the sending flowers idea, because it's still no-contact. Probably no closure either, but I don't understand closure much either. My closure is 'it happened, it sucked, it can't be fixed or helped, so I'll never think or speak of it again'...I don't know how to make it OK that someone did something horrible. It's not OK. Them being sorry doesn't make it OK. Them being sorry doesn't mean they won't do it again if they get another chance. Sorry? who cares? She did harm, she killed her children's innocence (and, to a lesser degree, mine), and it can't ever come back. Sorry doesn't fix that.

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

I agree wholeheartedly with every single word you wrote.

Forgiveness is so hard, I think, because you acknowledge every single bad thing she did, acknowledge the agony she caused and the effects it still clearly has on you, and you...forgive.

We don't have to forget, accept, or go back for another helping. There's no "making it OK," or any need to do so. You ask, "Sorry? Who cares?"

Hopefully, she does. Hopefully, she does sincerely regret the hurt she's caused and the damage she's done.

Hopefully, you do. Hopefully, you can accept that she acknowledges the grievous harms she's done, and you can start to deny them the power they have over you.

Lord, E, I can't believe you've brought this touchy-feely hippie out of me. I went through a lot of this when my dad died a few years ago, and I think I'm a better person for it.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thanks for dragging your hippie touchy-feely side out for me to pick its brain... :)

I appreciate it very much.

I know you're right. This is just very hard.

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

If it were easy, everyone would do it. :)

Good luck.