...

[evile]

So, my mom and X*'s family were friends long before X and I were born. Even though X has made a lot of mistakes and fucked over anyone who ever cared about her, of course her family has stayed in touch with her and with my mom. I'm the only one who took myself out of that loop.

X's stepdad wrote my mom this email:

> [X] called me this afternoon and said she's
> developed advanced ovarian
> cancer. She's meeting her GP and Oncologist tomorrow to
> discuss their findings
> and options. She has also been scheduled for surgery next
> Thursday ( Sept 10)
> and I expect that we'll find out then if the mass has
> metastized (if not
> tomorrow).

I really hated her and wanted her dead.

Now that I'm about to get my wish, apparently, my mom wanted me to know what was going on and tell me I should reconcile. Not as in BFF again but as in "Yom Kippur"...whatever that means.


*background: here's the short version of the X story, and here are the tags relating to or about her in some way.

One of the things I have recently realized is problematic, even pathological, is my tendency to think in terms of all or nothing. The ACOA book I read recently suggests that this black and white thinking is a common trait in adult children of alcoholics. I don't know how to forgive or forget. I don't know how to be OK with someone fucking me over and destroying the childhood of kids I loved...I don't know how to talk to her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesnt' exist anymore. Except when her family or mine reminds me that she does. And then it hurts and makes me sick. So...I don't know how to do this yom kippur thing, whatever it is.

Here we are at the proverbial "wouldn't cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire" moment...now, do I cross the street?

Comments

[northwall.livejournal.com]

maybe i can shed some light on the Yom Kippur thing...
(disclaimer: not raised Jewish, studied/thought about converting in HS/college)

Each year between the new year (Rosh Hashana) and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), you're supposed to try and set right stuff that's gone wrong in your life, so God will forgive you and write your name in the book of life (some people take this more literally than others). And because God cannot feel the hurt of your sin and distance, only other people can, what you're really supposed to do is make peace with the people in your life, apologize, make amends...

Now, in your case, it does not sound like you have ANYTHING to apologize or make up for. Your parents and hers probably don't know the whole story, and since you're not Jewish, reconnecting now (either over the New Year or her cancer) does not make a lot of sense. In my current worldview (which i think is relatively similar to yours), you have to take care of yourself SO THAT you can take care of others. And if being around her or thinking about her is toxic to you, let it be. It does not sound like reaching out will do you, her, or her children any good. Don't do it for your mother or for her parents.

It does not sound like you're being spiteful in this. It's ok to hurt and refuse to expose yourself to more hurt. If the Yom Kippur comment/speech bothers you enough to do something, do something for someone you ACTUALLY owe it to.

*hugs* and peace.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. I don't want to be spiteful or hateful.

Just ... done.