Where I part from the Usual Error

[evile]

I think a majority of what humans call 'communication' is actually threat-display, vying for dominance, and other forms of establishing hierarchy. Not actually "I want you and I to understand each other as equals," but "I want you to understand and respect that I am stronger/smarter/better than you, and here's why. Just sayin'"

And, as kulilinei has pointed out so adroitly in the past, a lot of pretty words are merely camouflage for someones' true self and/or true intent. Either due to not feeling strong and smart enough by just using your own words or knowing that you can't get close enough to your prey if you appear as dangerous as you really are. So you put on your Ghandi quotes and your 'just sayin'' until you are close enough to strike that vein and get what you want from your intended victims. (And, as the Usual Error chapter points out, if you call someone on their "Just sayin'" then you are usually the one who is perceived as a big meanie poopyhaid, because so-and-so was 'just sayin'...so they're the victim for 'just sayin')

We can't make the mistake of assuming that every other human-appearing thing out there is actually a human being with similar wants, needs, desires for love, respect, and understanding. Some two-legs out there are toxic predators and get their feelings of happiness, safety & well-being from making sure that others' feelings of happiness, safety, and well-being are well and truly destroyed.

*shrug*

But then again I'm in a dark place today, and you may take my words with as much salt as needed.

Comments

[rainking1.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think we're on the same page. Nicely put.

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you wrote this. I have had so many issues with this with a certain number of friends. They're nice to the point where they disagree with my lifestyle or views and then they tear me down with the guise of "being kind". :P

It stinks.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

meh...I've lost friends over this and probably will again, but I don't see friendship as eternally blowing sunshine up someone's ass, or telling them they're doing a GREAT job at life when they make shitty decisions [such as continuing in an abusive relationship, or continuing in addictive behaviors]...I see calling people on their shit as a loving, caring thing to do.

I also don't see a need to do that in a harsh or unkind way. I use 'teasing' a lot for that sort of thing, whether that's good or not, I don't really know.

One thing I think I have learned is that there's often a better time or place than here/now to bring up things like that, and that it's often best to mention it once and not bring it up constantly.

The "just sayin'" or 'sharing helpful quotes in public'//projecting a persona rather than being real ...well, I see those things as either abject insecurity & fear that if the person is authentic they'll be rejected, or cowardly attacks & deliberately hurtful digs. Basically, I get the idea that these 'just sayin's are not meant to be helpful or caring, but a threat/dominance display.

Basically 'just sayin' is saying something ugly in such a way that if you call them on being cowardly and/or deliberately hurtful, it will make YOU look bad, so they get to keep on taking mean spirited pot shots at their leisure and there's NOTHING you can do about it that won't make you look bad.

I find that repulsive.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are working so hard on sobriety and healing. I hope you are still finding useful bits in the tagged posts here but I will gently and lovingly caution you against doing too much to 'shore up' your identity as a victim (is that really who you want to be? A's poor wounded ex?) Otoh, I do totally understand and sympathise with picking at healing wounds, because they 'itch' and because smart ppl like us often get into this 'I want to understand what happened, and why, and why s/he did that and why I allowed that to be done to me. Just...be careful, ok?

As far as 'culture'...just because you come from a dysfunctional family or background, does not entitle you to treat people disrespectfully. If your family of origin, native land, religion, etc. does things a certain way, yes you get used to doing that, but if someone says 'hey, that's rude/hurtful/wrong' in *their*culture, then you need to try and respect that. It's tough.

My ex sister in law was a messianic jew. She repeatedly called my brother 'shmuck' and 'putz' during a phone call in which they were both on the line with me. I asked her not to call my brother ugly names in front of me, and she insisted it was done in affection and furthermore her fave clerk at the local convenience store called her 'crazy jewish bitch'...I said that was her business but I didn't want to hear her calling my brother ugly names. She seemed to understand or at least she quit, the call ended on a pleasant note, and then Next thing I know next day or so,, my brother calls and leaves this hateful vile rant on my voicemail, about how badly the family treated him growing up, how we called him 'stupid' and 'bastard' and ended with 'this family is fucked' and 'fuck you' and 'you are out of my life and my kids lives!'

Admittedly,my family is dysfunctional. We are generally bad with boundaries (i was so proud of myself for calmly telling the rubber pig that her terms of affection were hurtful and offensive. i thought i was doin good. And then she turned it arou d and brainwashed my bro into thinking that *we* were the verbally abusive ones!!crazy! (and by this point in dealing with family crapola, i was/am pretty tired of having siblings' spouses 'sic' my siblings on me after an event that seemed at the time to have been peacefully resolved...ugh.)

Anyhoo..my fam we tend to couch everything in humor and or sarcasm...which actually could be considered abusive, too. Sigh.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I understand. I think a lot of folks just don't realize how they come across, and/or don't know any other way to behave...and have no real reason to try to understand themselves or change. It's still working for her, she's still getting what she wants, &/OR it's too frightening to try and change...and/or she isnt willing to see or admit that her own behavior and attitudes are what is making her life suck...she'd rather blame you, or her family, or her workplace...I get that. I do that sometimes, too.

part of forgiveness that i stumble on very badly is wanting the transaction, wanting the other person to admit their part in what happened, to change or do better, and with my smart brain I totally get that is NOT gonna happen but I cant stop my wanting of it, and that creates anger, resentment, and unforgiveness. I am so damn dumb, for a smart gal.