Graaaaargh!

[evile]

longshot14 posted some links that he finds interesting and useful. I checked this one out, since clutter is a constant foe at my house. The top article pushed my buttons like ... a crazy amount. Wow, I can't believe it still pisses me off so much!

I hate to be one of those people who starts a sentence with "My therapist said"...but I gotta take exception to the last part of #3: "Discuss the real problem. If you’re upset that your wife repeatedly leaves her dirty dishes strewn about the living room your frustration has very little to do with dirty dishes. You’re upset because you believe she doesn’t care about the cleanliness level in the living space. So, talk about the real problem and use the dirty dishes as an example of how that lack of caring is expressed."

See, to *me* dirty socks on the coffee table meant "I don't care about this house and I don't care about you. I have no respect for the home we bought together or the household we've made together."

(which, as it turns out, was true. But his slobbyness was not relevant to that fact.)

HOWEVER, according to my REBT therapist, his messyness didn't MEAN anything to my partner, one way or the other. There was no 'underlying issue' in his mind. The coffee table was just a handy place to stash socks when he came home from work. The problem was not his action or his behavior, it was my assumptions and my emotional response to his actions/behavior.

So, step one is not to get to the underlying issue. It's to own your feelings about the behavior, not blame him for the feelings. THEN address the behavior, not your emotional response to the behavior.

And never EVER EVER EVER EVER assume that you know what someone is thinking or feeling because of how they're behaving. You may be right, you may be wrong.

The point is not to assume, but to ASK.

(I still don't have ANY clue how to live happily with someone if your ideas of cleanliness are completely different. My solution was to keep the house and dump the mess-maker. And now that it's MY house, I'm afraid I've become somewhat autocratic in how I keep it. My house, my rules, you don't like it, bye-bye.

Possibly not the best solution, but one I am currently pretty happy with.)

Comments

[ulitave.livejournal.com]

Let me tell you from experience, it just doesn't work. If she wants him to do X to make her feel appreciated, him hiring someone to do X will not meet that emotional need. The maid *just* clean the house. The maid cannot clean the house and express her undying love and appreciation.

[red-tanya.livejournal.com]

if she wants him to do X because it will make her feel appreciated for him specifically to do it willingly, that's one thing. That's unlikely to get resolved at all.

however, if all she wants is for X to get done and for him to take responsibility for making sure it gets done, then it shouldn't matter how he does it.

you're assuming that him doing X will make her feel appreciated. It might not. It might just make her feel like he respects the space they live in.

Here's an article I saw that rang some bells for me.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

maybe it will for you too.

http://www.drirene.com/controlling_caregiver.htm

(btw, my LJ is for bashing *MY* ex, not yours. :P )

Re: Here's an article I saw that rang some bells for me.

[ulitave.livejournal.com]

lol, I thought I was bashing myself!