evile

 I dreamed that we lived on the edge of a big scrubby vacant lot/wild area, where a lot of homeless people and stray animals lived. I would make a habit of feeding everyone on the back porch. Then one day this kid showed up and apparently was kind of evil & could read minds. I ended up killing him because he was blackmailing me (?) or making me do something (?) and taking the body off into the scrubby forest to bury it. I knew that the police wouldn't care and no one would come looking for him and there was no connection that would ever tie the body to me if it was found, and that I was going to get away with it and the whole thing made me very very sad. yuck. stupid brain.

I was working for a company in some big glassy building downtown.   I got to work and couldn't find my office. All the departments or units were doing a show and tell thing where each department was putting on a show or an open house or whatever, and we were supposed to go from department to department visiting with everyone and learning what each unit was doing. Only I was supposed to sign in first and I couldn't find my own office to sign in and start my tour. I met some of my coworkers and was going to follow one back to the office so I could check in. I was using my cel phone to set up 'pins' in a map app so I could find my office and find my parking space again.

One of the departments had a thing where you could look into the future (?) or some vision of the future. I was suddenly immersed in this future vision. The year 2344 or 2377 or something like that... our planet was dark and cold and almost completely covered in water. I don't know if the sun was gone or if the planet had just moved far away from the sun. I think probably it had moved out toward the outer planets of the solar system. The planets I could see in the sky were all chopped up, sort of like the 'death star under construction' looking. Apparently Earth had demolished the other planets to take minerals and resources for earth's use. We had just gotten to Jupiter and then....as I watched, Jupiter was gone. Destroyed for it's resources to fuel Starship Earth and its rapacious consumption.   It was very bleak. 

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I went to the store this morning for dinner ingredients for the week; they were playing christmas music. I was close to crying for some of my visit.   

When I went to the store with Thax this past weekend, I saw a display of HEB's christmas coffee blends; I got  teary realizing that I don't have to buy any this year to send to mom and Greg. Greg is dead and mom's in memory care. I don't know if she drinks coffee anymore.  My sister H says mom's quit eating. She is not expecting mom to live much longer. Mom hasn't wanted to be alive for a while now. 

last night's dream was a full moon nightmare starring dead people, as my new moon and full moon dreams often do.

In my dream, we had moved my mom to a bright colorful care facility that had community art day and live music every day at lunchtime. We thought she would like it but she stayed in her bed and kind of curled up and 'hid' from the sound when the guy was playing guitar and singing. She didn't like it but could no longer verbalize anything to let us know.  Then she ended up being dirty and wet because the care facility people were too busy singing and dancing and being entertaining and serving the meal to the old people who were participating, they didn't take any time with mom.   I pointed out to them that she needed to be cleaned up and have a clean, dry change of clothes and they  said they didn't do that, it wasn't their job...so I ended up taking her....somewhere? I don't know, a hallway or alley or some place, and I was having to beg and buy clothes and incontinence underpants for her, and everyone was warning me to stay way from this gang member, but I told him my situation and he was very sympathetic and got me a package of underpants and didn't ask for payment because that's how he was raised and he wanted me to take care of my mom like he'd take care of his....and I was trying to get her out of her wet and dirty clothes but this involved having her half undressed practically out in public,   and then my stepdad (who recently passed) was there and he was just...inferno angry, absolutely incandescently pissed off about how  we had stolen his wife's dignity and how DARE anyone treat her that way!?!?  He was more angry than I ever saw him in life, and that's saying something....(we had some serious arguments when I was a snotty 15  year old testing his limits....it was never physically violent but he and I would get into it verbally a lot) I was scared and sad and upset. I was trying my best and it seemed he was mad at ME, but also at the care people, and mad at us kids for moving her to a different place where they didn't take care of her.

There was also something about driving back and forth to take care of her and keeping my stuff in a janky hotel and then accidentally leaving all my stuff at the hotel.

And something about floating around the same dark dirty alley way/ hall area on pieces of wreckage with Thax and some other people....

it was all very terrible. 

 at some kind of art installation/performance art space. Somehow it became a Santa claus meet n greet, starring one of our friends from the Steampunk world who is a Santa in RL.   Little kids everywhere, just jazzed about Santa. Then my mom comes walking through the crowd, announcing at intervalls "We're all going to die! We're all going to die!"

Don't need a Dr. Freud to interpret that one.
Cut it out, scumbag brain.

 I dreamed that  I was an android. I had not known that I was an android until I looked down and saw that I  had no hands, they were just clean stumps and then I looked over and Thax was talking to some man...the man was holding my hands.  I was asking them not to turn me off, apparently once I saw the hands I realized that my 'of' switch was somewhere in the hands and I didn't want them to switch me off..... that was kinda disturbing.   shades of 'logans run' with the gemstone in the palm, and maybe something...I think there is a myth or fairy tale about a woman with no hands....anyway, kinda terrible. 

Generic 'university' dream - it's a place I dream of from time to time, a mix of DePauw and Tulane and...other places I don't recognize. There was a party and Mike T. and Bart and Joe SubG were there with a bunch of other people, they'd all driven down from someplace in a big RV bus kind of thing. The party ended and I think there was something about having to either push-start or jump-start the RV so the guys could drive home, and then I was at a meeting off campus with a bunch of the professors and I was trying to explain to them about my social anxiety and how I felt like even though it may seem like we are having a nice conversation about some intellectual topic, the 'worms' in my brain are telling me that the profs are secretly talking 'over my head' and kind of amused that I think I understand but they're all secretly making fun of me...I was kind of wiggling my fingers on my left hand next to my face to simulate the 'worms' talking to me and telling me that I'm dumb and people are making fun of me, in a 'worm voice' and the profs were laughing, not unkindly, but like I was genuinely being funny/relateable....then Dee's mom was there among the rest of the teachers and she was kind of scolding the profs for laughing and scolding me for talking bad about myself and said something like "These fools all know you're smart enough to teach most of these classes!" and then we were on a bus going back to campus, but I was worried that the bus driver wouldn't let me on because I wasn't faculty, but it was no problem,  and several of the teachers on the bus had wild colored hair--pink and blue, and Bart was on the bus with me, he was kind of slouching and napping in his seat and every once in a while he'd wake up a little and kind of babble at me about something or another. "going to get potatoes," was one and then something about chewing gum. I dunno. It was funny and kind of sweet to watch Bart sleeping. Anyway, nice 'visit' from Bart and Mrs. Ruff. :) 

 last night's dream: I was a very old person at a nursing home. The home was a ship that was docked or anchored off the coast of Antarctica. Looking out the window, I could see in the distance a bunch of mining operations that were spilling greasy black smoke into the sky. I saw another ship nearby and it looked like it was made out of cobalt blue somewhat transparent plastic, the whole thing, from the hull to the observation deck and control areas, just clear blue plastic. I had a feeling that the earth at this time was mostly uninhabitable and the Antarctic was one of the few places people could still survive. I also had a feeling that I had done something during my lifetime that made me 'important enough' to be kept alive in this retirement facility, but I don't remember what it is or was. I could feel my body, weak and painful. Mostly just very weak. Standing, walking, lifting my arms....all felt so difficult. My arm was a thin white stick, mottled with freckles/age spots and translucent so I could see my blue veins and the outline of my bones under the skin. I was talking to two other old people, who happened to be Willie Nelson and Roy Orbison. So, at least that part was cool.

 I don't remember most of last night's dream. It was something about being in a space craft or bio dome or something kind of artificial/advanced. Maybe just a big theme park. It was huge. These two aliens (?) angels (?) supervisors of some kind were giving me and one other person a test of some kind to figure out what job we would have in this place.The tasks seemed very simple,like matching colors and shapes and blocks. It was kind of a game on a tablet, we got to a game where a letter would flash at the top of the screen, and then out of all the letters scrolling by under the flashing letter, I'd have to click all the same letter. So, like if it was an E flashing, and all the letters scrolling by were erpdfperwefdoerfd, I'd click or point to the Es, and then I guess the scroll got faster and faster, or something?.... it was kinda dumb. The other person got bored or left or escaped and it was just me and the supervisors. They gave me a task to do, I was sorting papers or mail or something(?)...I told them "yes, I'm good at this, I did stuff like this for over 20 years at the state, but I don't like doing it, so let's find me something else for me to do," and one of the supervisors said, very calmly but in a way that scared me, "I don't like the way you're talking to me, don't talk to me that way any more,"

Picked up my brother A from Huntsville yesterday. It was a bit of a clusterfuck but all worked out in the end. We stopped at the 'food poisoning' Valero for hopefully the last time ever in life, got a bunch of snacks (My brother was practically a literal 'kid in a candy store'. It was fun. I had to remind him that we can go anywhere and stop anywhere, he doesn't have to restock his entire life at this one store. LOL. ) We stopped in Elgin for BBQ late lunch and that was fun too. Got home in the afternoon, introduced him to the dogs, we chilled out at home for a bit then started to realize he was going to need a phone # to give his parole officer so we went to the boost mobile store and got him a phone. The girl in the boost store needed an email address so we quickly set him up with a gmail account using my phone to log in to google and set him up. LOL. Crazy. anyway, we got him a nice phone with a protective case, he has a phone and email now. He spent the rest of the night in his room, making phone calls and starting to unpack all his boxes. From almost 15 years of being in the attic, the two pairs of new New Balance shoes lost their glue off the soles so we will have to re glue them to make them useable. He had to wear his 'offender' boots to his parole office appointment this morning. He seemed to th ink it would be quick but I think it will probably be the usual clusterfuck when dealing with TDCJ and he'll be there a while. it's raining and nasty today. he said he'd walk home but I told him to call me and I can take a break from work to get him.

I guess because of the stressful day I ended up having some awful dreams. I was at my SIL's parents house. It was some kind of gated community thing with paving stones and gravel and plants in tall planters instead of yards, and gates and very cold marble and big windows. Very bank vault/mausoleum vibes. But like rich people. (sort of like this house except all the stone was dark gray. no brown. And there was some furniture - a big tv, a big dining room table where the mom showed me photo albums, a la z boy and a couch in the TV area, etc. https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/37W756-Woodgate-Rd-Saint-Charles-IL-60175/4656462_zpid/?utm_source=zillowgonewild&utm_medium=zillowgonewild&utm_campaign=zillowgonewild&fbclid=IwAR1KuzU3QIuI6-YWwp7GNcIWr9QpSRmIStKqMuXf9uNqHIi2kHZ05UjhPzw) Anyway, she was in her parents' house watching TV. They were ignoring her. I asked her mom if she had any old pictures from when skye_ds was little,and she pulled out some photo albums. She liked the old pictures and warmed up a little as she showed them to me but still just ignored the real person sitting in her living room. Somehow it turned out that it was skye_ds' birthday but her family still ignored her. She told me about some website where people had stored password-protected images and videos and showed me a video of her best friend Cali in a hospital bed, that was also kind of like the 'bacta tank' from star wars. He was jerking and struggling, wires connected from his arms and hands and belly, all connected to these various machines and I think he was missing his right foot? Anyway, he looked as if he was in agony and it was terrible and the video just kept looping and skye just kept watching it.

A while later, she told me it was OK her parents had forgotten her birthday, she had gone online and "gone into $200 of debt at ____and Best Buy" getting herself some gifts. I guess she assumed that eventually her parents would get the bill? Anyway, she seemed happy and proud of herself for that. Then her oafish brother and a bunch of his dudebro and cheerleader-y friends showed up and they were partying outside by the pool (?) there were a bunch of trucks parked all around and there was a big leather couch outside that a bunch of pretty girls were sitting on and drinking out of red solo cups, taking selfies, hollering and making duckface and all of the things that drunk cheerleader/sorority girl types do. All of that seemed to infuriate skye_ds and she got an idea that she told my aunt C. Aunt C seemed to agree with her that the idea was great. Next thing I know, skye is out in the yard with cans of yellow spray paint, just spraying everyone's cars and the couch and the people were all screaming and running away (?) it was so wierd. The sadness and anger and darkness of this dream were .. a lot. Compassion warring with disgust and loathing in my heart, as usual with that person. ugh. Sick. sick sick.