very narrow filter
Sep. 11th, 2006 12:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileMost of you haven't seen much of me lately; it's generally my tendency to disappear after a catastrophic failure/meltdown/breakdown of my life. I am pretty much feeling like everything is broken now, and I don't even know where to try and start fixing. Nothing seems fixable. My primary relationship is gone, even though he still keeps his shit in the house we own together on paper. He is rarely home, we never fuck when we're both awake and sober, he doesn't talk to me, he won't answer questions or share his feelings or tell me what he wants or needs from me...so I am pretty much gathering that he doesn't wnat anything from me, or with me. People grow apart. It happens. I am trying not to feel like the last 11 years of my life were a complete waste of my time, effort, love, energy...whatever...but it's hard. And I am fighting to stay visible and involved in the parts of my life that don't suck...rather unsuccessfully, I think. I'm sorry, on top of everything else, I feel like I've really let my friends down by not being around for them.
But...I HATE being pathetic. I hate being pitiful. I hate being a failure. I'd rather be dead than see pity in your eyes.
I feel like I am dead, but just forgot to lay down and start rotting.
And I know that i'm not really dead and just need to get my shit together and figure out what to do with the time between now and when I really do leie down and start rotting.
I need to get some ...closure...? on the relationship, i need to figure out if I need to buy him out of the house, or if we should jsut sell it and go our separate ways (he says he hates where we live and wants to sell it and move, so seems to me ideal that I'd just buy his half from him and live here alone...but he won't discuss and I don't know if I"d have any success in actually getting him to LEAVE, even though he says he wants to move). I need to get a new job, and I'm facing the reality that I've invested too much time now in the State and should probably try for another state job, so as to keep my retirement/years of service stuff. I am tired of feeling stuck and trapped. I am too old and too indebted and too set in my ways to just disappear again the way I used to when I fucked up my life and needed a do-over.
Anyway...I spent the morning trying to iron out my finances & decide whether or not to try for a loan from Bank of America. When the next thing happens, I feel like I need to be ready to jump. Having all my debts in one place and a wad of cash ought to make that easier, whatever happens.
I don't know why I'm telling anyone this...it's just pointless. But...in case you've noticed I'm not really here anymore, that's why.
But...I HATE being pathetic. I hate being pitiful. I hate being a failure. I'd rather be dead than see pity in your eyes.
I feel like I am dead, but just forgot to lay down and start rotting.
And I know that i'm not really dead and just need to get my shit together and figure out what to do with the time between now and when I really do leie down and start rotting.
I need to get some ...closure...? on the relationship, i need to figure out if I need to buy him out of the house, or if we should jsut sell it and go our separate ways (he says he hates where we live and wants to sell it and move, so seems to me ideal that I'd just buy his half from him and live here alone...but he won't discuss and I don't know if I"d have any success in actually getting him to LEAVE, even though he says he wants to move). I need to get a new job, and I'm facing the reality that I've invested too much time now in the State and should probably try for another state job, so as to keep my retirement/years of service stuff. I am tired of feeling stuck and trapped. I am too old and too indebted and too set in my ways to just disappear again the way I used to when I fucked up my life and needed a do-over.
Anyway...I spent the morning trying to iron out my finances & decide whether or not to try for a loan from Bank of America. When the next thing happens, I feel like I need to be ready to jump. Having all my debts in one place and a wad of cash ought to make that easier, whatever happens.
I don't know why I'm telling anyone this...it's just pointless. But...in case you've noticed I'm not really here anymore, that's why.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-11 06:03 pm (UTC)Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 06:23 pm (UTC)I know you care. Thank you.