Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist
Jun. 5th, 2005 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileLibrary books are due tomorrow, I need to finish this up and get it turned in. It was really good. Wish I could send a copy to my brother and have him read it. Sadly, I see a lot of my own issues here, too. Both as a narcissist and a person who has been involved with them.
Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.
Some good sections:
HOW NARCISSISTS MAKE YOU FEEL
We can sometimes best identify people with serious narcissistic issues because of the way they make us feel when we are around them. If you are beginning to wonder if the person you love has narcissistic traits, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1) When it comes to nurturing your relationship, are you the one doing most of the work?
2) Do you feel emotionally drained by how hard you have to work to keep your partner happy?
3) Do you often feel that nobody is thinking about how to make you happy?
4) Is the relationship primarily organized around your partner's interests and activities (or lack thereof)?
5) Do you often feel controlled by your partner's moods and ideas?
6) Do other people also find your partner difficult?
7) How often do you cover-up for your partner's moodiness or inappropriate behavior?
8) Are you acutely aware of your partner's selfishness when it comes to dealing with others?
9) Does your partner make unilateral decisions that impact on your safety and well-being?
10) Is your sense of personal safety and security somtimes threatened by something your partner does (such as erratic driving, belligerence, or addictive behavior)?
11) Are you frustrated by your partner's reluctance or even refusal to understand and accept your goodwill and good intentions?
12) Are you often trying to "get back" to where you were at the beginning of the relationship, when your partner seemed to romanticize and idealize you?
Think about these questions. Do they strike a familiar chord when it comes to your relationship with the person you love?
....
The Characteristics of a Narcissist
1) An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance that isn't supported by reality
2) A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, wealth, power, beauty, and love.
3) A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
4) An intense need for admiration.
5) A sense of entitlement.
6) A tendency to exploit others without guilt or remorse.
7) An absence of meaningful empathy.
8) A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others' envy.
9) An arrogant attitude.
....
Using Image to Puff Up the False Self
As traumatized individuals who lack a strong stabilizing sense of self, narcissists focus on image and externals to help compensate for that inner void. Like Narcissus himself, their eyes are fixated on the image and easily fall into a mind set werhe they believe that everyone is staring at them. It is a rare narcissist who isn't going to have some skewed image issues. Many are excessively concerned with one or more of the following:
* Do I look attractive?
* Do I look wealthy?
* Do I look successful?
* Do I look unique and special?
* Do I look enviable?
* Do I look different from everybody else?
Many a narcissist believes that if she is able to create and maintan the image she desires, she will be able to have the life she wants; many a narcissist honestly believes that he will be jusged solely on his image.
....
SOME NARCISSISTIC WARNING SIGNALS THAT CAN BE OBSERVED EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP
Does your potential partner do or say anything that indicates that he/she wants to control the relationship and expects everything you do to be organized around his/her wishes and schedule?
....
Try to pay attention during your first few dates. That's when your partner is likely to be on his/her best behavior. Don't forget that self-centered behavior tends to escalate not diminish. Does your potential partner do any of the following?
* Manipulate all scheduling to fit his/her wishes.
* Change plans and times repeatedly to fit his/her wishes or scheduling.
* Find excuses to keep from doing whatever you would like to do while expecting you to go along with whatever he/she wants.
*Insist on restaurants that you can't afford and then expect you to pay for half or all of the bill.
* Engage in any inappropriate attention-getting behavior, including drinking too much
* Conveniently run out of money, expect you to pay, and then forget to pay you back.
* Ignore your appropriate and reasonable sleep and work schedule and insist on your accompanying him/her to events or activities that will create havoc in your life.
* Use his/her lateness as a way of reorganizing your life and priorities
* make his/her work, sleep, health, or neurosis the organizing issue of the relationship.
....
Does your potential partner have a presentation about his/her life that seems almost rehearsed?
....
Does your potential partner manage to let you know all the ways in which he/she is special?
....
Is your potential partner given to idealization and romantic fantasies?
....
Does your potential partner have values that seem to be superficial or based primarily on how things appear?
....
Is your potential partner too good a salesperson?
....
Does your potential partner make you feel as though he/she has immediately formed a different and "special" relationship with you?
....
Does your potential partner do anything that seems to be "testing" in terms of how much he/she can get away with?
"Testing" behaviors can show up pretty early. Here are some of the most common:
* Drinking too much
* Talking too much
* Obviously spending more than he/she can afford.
* Not having enough money to pay for his/her share of the check, which leaves you paying the bill.
* Flirting with other people, indluding the waitperson.
* Asking you to do the kind of favor one normally reserves for old friends and family
* Any inappropriate attention-getting behavior.
* Careless and/or dangerous driving.
....
Does your potential partner seem genuinely interested in hearing about you?
....
Does your potential partner show any signs of inappropriate boundaries?
....
Does your potential partner exhibit any obvious attention-getting behavior?
....
Does your potential partner have an extreme, over-the-top sense of entitlement?
....
Does your potential partner show signs of being overly jealous or envious or contemptuous of others?
....
Does your potential partner do something that is downright inconsiderate and disruptive of your plans--even with a good excuse?
....
Yes, it's wonderful that you are so eager to love and be loved, but don't let that keep you from being reasonably self-protective, particularly when you meet someone who is unusually attentive or who uses words to cast a spell that evokes the promise of love.
======================================
another good website I found:
** So. You're in Love With a Narcissist. **
by Alexandra Nouri
http://www.angelfire.com/indie/aanouri/index.html
Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.
Some good sections:
HOW NARCISSISTS MAKE YOU FEEL
We can sometimes best identify people with serious narcissistic issues because of the way they make us feel when we are around them. If you are beginning to wonder if the person you love has narcissistic traits, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1) When it comes to nurturing your relationship, are you the one doing most of the work?
2) Do you feel emotionally drained by how hard you have to work to keep your partner happy?
3) Do you often feel that nobody is thinking about how to make you happy?
4) Is the relationship primarily organized around your partner's interests and activities (or lack thereof)?
5) Do you often feel controlled by your partner's moods and ideas?
6) Do other people also find your partner difficult?
7) How often do you cover-up for your partner's moodiness or inappropriate behavior?
8) Are you acutely aware of your partner's selfishness when it comes to dealing with others?
9) Does your partner make unilateral decisions that impact on your safety and well-being?
10) Is your sense of personal safety and security somtimes threatened by something your partner does (such as erratic driving, belligerence, or addictive behavior)?
11) Are you frustrated by your partner's reluctance or even refusal to understand and accept your goodwill and good intentions?
12) Are you often trying to "get back" to where you were at the beginning of the relationship, when your partner seemed to romanticize and idealize you?
Think about these questions. Do they strike a familiar chord when it comes to your relationship with the person you love?
....
The Characteristics of a Narcissist
1) An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance that isn't supported by reality
2) A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, wealth, power, beauty, and love.
3) A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
4) An intense need for admiration.
5) A sense of entitlement.
6) A tendency to exploit others without guilt or remorse.
7) An absence of meaningful empathy.
8) A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others' envy.
9) An arrogant attitude.
....
Using Image to Puff Up the False Self
As traumatized individuals who lack a strong stabilizing sense of self, narcissists focus on image and externals to help compensate for that inner void. Like Narcissus himself, their eyes are fixated on the image and easily fall into a mind set werhe they believe that everyone is staring at them. It is a rare narcissist who isn't going to have some skewed image issues. Many are excessively concerned with one or more of the following:
* Do I look attractive?
* Do I look wealthy?
* Do I look successful?
* Do I look unique and special?
* Do I look enviable?
* Do I look different from everybody else?
Many a narcissist believes that if she is able to create and maintan the image she desires, she will be able to have the life she wants; many a narcissist honestly believes that he will be jusged solely on his image.
....
SOME NARCISSISTIC WARNING SIGNALS THAT CAN BE OBSERVED EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP
Does your potential partner do or say anything that indicates that he/she wants to control the relationship and expects everything you do to be organized around his/her wishes and schedule?
....
Try to pay attention during your first few dates. That's when your partner is likely to be on his/her best behavior. Don't forget that self-centered behavior tends to escalate not diminish. Does your potential partner do any of the following?
* Manipulate all scheduling to fit his/her wishes.
* Change plans and times repeatedly to fit his/her wishes or scheduling.
* Find excuses to keep from doing whatever you would like to do while expecting you to go along with whatever he/she wants.
*Insist on restaurants that you can't afford and then expect you to pay for half or all of the bill.
* Engage in any inappropriate attention-getting behavior, including drinking too much
* Conveniently run out of money, expect you to pay, and then forget to pay you back.
* Ignore your appropriate and reasonable sleep and work schedule and insist on your accompanying him/her to events or activities that will create havoc in your life.
* Use his/her lateness as a way of reorganizing your life and priorities
* make his/her work, sleep, health, or neurosis the organizing issue of the relationship.
....
Does your potential partner have a presentation about his/her life that seems almost rehearsed?
....
Does your potential partner manage to let you know all the ways in which he/she is special?
....
Is your potential partner given to idealization and romantic fantasies?
....
Does your potential partner have values that seem to be superficial or based primarily on how things appear?
....
Is your potential partner too good a salesperson?
....
Does your potential partner make you feel as though he/she has immediately formed a different and "special" relationship with you?
....
Does your potential partner do anything that seems to be "testing" in terms of how much he/she can get away with?
"Testing" behaviors can show up pretty early. Here are some of the most common:
* Drinking too much
* Talking too much
* Obviously spending more than he/she can afford.
* Not having enough money to pay for his/her share of the check, which leaves you paying the bill.
* Flirting with other people, indluding the waitperson.
* Asking you to do the kind of favor one normally reserves for old friends and family
* Any inappropriate attention-getting behavior.
* Careless and/or dangerous driving.
....
Does your potential partner seem genuinely interested in hearing about you?
....
Does your potential partner show any signs of inappropriate boundaries?
....
Does your potential partner exhibit any obvious attention-getting behavior?
....
Does your potential partner have an extreme, over-the-top sense of entitlement?
....
Does your potential partner show signs of being overly jealous or envious or contemptuous of others?
....
Does your potential partner do something that is downright inconsiderate and disruptive of your plans--even with a good excuse?
....
Yes, it's wonderful that you are so eager to love and be loved, but don't let that keep you from being reasonably self-protective, particularly when you meet someone who is unusually attentive or who uses words to cast a spell that evokes the promise of love.
======================================
another good website I found:
** So. You're in Love With a Narcissist. **
by Alexandra Nouri
http://www.angelfire.com/indie/aanouri/index.html
