meeting #2
Dec. 16th, 2005 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evilethis one didn't allow smoking in the building, so that was a plus. All the interesting-looking people ended up going to the simultaneous AA meeting. Oh well.
They passed around the 12 steps and everyone read one. Then they passed around something called 'the twelve problems' ("I have problems with self esteem," "I am afraid of angry people," "I confuse pity with love," bla bla bla) and then 'the 10 solutions'....I really have to question the validity of passing around and re-reading at every meeting messages about how pathetic you are. Would that not just re-enforce your feelings of inadequacy and victim-hood? And once again, we have "God" and "Him" being tossed around, which will always jar against something in me and make me put up defenses.
Lots of people came in late. I thought that was disrespectful.
And the rules of the group apparently say that you say whatever you want or need to share, but that nobody can comment on it or offer advice. Which I found...odd. I can see why, I mean you don't want already-sick people getting so wrapped up in solving your problems that they dont' focus on their own sickness...but at the same time, it struck me as being terribly solipsistic and/or masturbatory. If I want to talk and have nobody commenting or offering advice (which feels to me like 'not listening'), why don't I just sit here in my work room and talk to myself? I kinda don't get it.
After the meeting, I talked with e. about what had been going on in my life lately, mostly having had to give someone an apology via email because just thinking about it made me cry so much I couldn't speak, and about trying hard to set up a boundary without telling the other person what they can and can't do, and trying to make sure they understood that this isn't me saying they're bad or wrong or evil, just what I'm going to do when faced with behavior I don't want to be around. Feeling like I'd failed miserably at both the apology and the boundary setting. Knowing that it really didn't kill me or end the world, but still feeling as bad as if it had. Not being able to think about it or talk about it without crying. Hating myself for being weak and pathetic and most of all for lying in the first place, which led to me having to apologize.
And she told me I 'shouldn't' feel this way or that way, and I just ended up feeling stupider and stupider. I KNOW I have every right to whatever feelings I have. No, they don't fucking make any sense, but that's what I'm trying to learn how to deal with. If I could just look at every irrational thought and say "Gee, that's a stupid thing to think/feel" and STOP feeling it, don't you think I fucking WOULD?
Anyway...I just ended the evening feeling disrespected and alienated and really like that crap's not for me. I just want to stop hurting and stop crying and stop doing things the wrong way. I just want to find a happy medium between 'doormat' and 'flaming bitch'. I just want to be the person I think I should be, which means being truthful and honest and decent and loving and not a lying hypocrite with giant walls all around.
They passed around the 12 steps and everyone read one. Then they passed around something called 'the twelve problems' ("I have problems with self esteem," "I am afraid of angry people," "I confuse pity with love," bla bla bla) and then 'the 10 solutions'....I really have to question the validity of passing around and re-reading at every meeting messages about how pathetic you are. Would that not just re-enforce your feelings of inadequacy and victim-hood? And once again, we have "God" and "Him" being tossed around, which will always jar against something in me and make me put up defenses.
Lots of people came in late. I thought that was disrespectful.
And the rules of the group apparently say that you say whatever you want or need to share, but that nobody can comment on it or offer advice. Which I found...odd. I can see why, I mean you don't want already-sick people getting so wrapped up in solving your problems that they dont' focus on their own sickness...but at the same time, it struck me as being terribly solipsistic and/or masturbatory. If I want to talk and have nobody commenting or offering advice (which feels to me like 'not listening'), why don't I just sit here in my work room and talk to myself? I kinda don't get it.
After the meeting, I talked with e. about what had been going on in my life lately, mostly having had to give someone an apology via email because just thinking about it made me cry so much I couldn't speak, and about trying hard to set up a boundary without telling the other person what they can and can't do, and trying to make sure they understood that this isn't me saying they're bad or wrong or evil, just what I'm going to do when faced with behavior I don't want to be around. Feeling like I'd failed miserably at both the apology and the boundary setting. Knowing that it really didn't kill me or end the world, but still feeling as bad as if it had. Not being able to think about it or talk about it without crying. Hating myself for being weak and pathetic and most of all for lying in the first place, which led to me having to apologize.
And she told me I 'shouldn't' feel this way or that way, and I just ended up feeling stupider and stupider. I KNOW I have every right to whatever feelings I have. No, they don't fucking make any sense, but that's what I'm trying to learn how to deal with. If I could just look at every irrational thought and say "Gee, that's a stupid thing to think/feel" and STOP feeling it, don't you think I fucking WOULD?
Anyway...I just ended the evening feeling disrespected and alienated and really like that crap's not for me. I just want to stop hurting and stop crying and stop doing things the wrong way. I just want to find a happy medium between 'doormat' and 'flaming bitch'. I just want to be the person I think I should be, which means being truthful and honest and decent and loving and not a lying hypocrite with giant walls all around.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-17 09:44 pm (UTC)But I'm better today...maybe not because of the meeting, but because despite her dismissing my feelings, she did give me a reality check. And that's always a good thing.
*hugs* Thanks for putting up with my shit. I appreciate you!