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evileNarcissist gift-giving is strange and erratic. Eric Miller hit the nail on the head when he highlighted that the narcissist’s gift is actually a transaction.
In my experience, the narc is often lavish in gift-giving in the early ‘love bombing’ [1]stage of the relationship. This is when they hook you in by idealizing you, mirroring your good thoughts and feelings back to you, treating you like you hung the moon and put the stars in the sky. This will be the time that you mention that you enjoy stargazing and they’ll buy you a $500 telescope out of the blue. This will be the time that you feel their gifts are thoughtfully chosen with you in mind. And, yes, they are, BUT: There are strings attached. This is all an act to hook you in, and you will eventually pay for every gift with a piece of your heart, soul, and sanity.
A relative of mine was dating a personality disordered woman in college who spent her parents’ credit cards extravagantly on dinners out with all their new college friends, parties, presents, etc. When his interest began to wane due to her possessive and controlling behavior, including ultimatums to choose between his friends & family or her, she bought him a $1200 exotic pet (using her parents’ credit cards). This hooked him back in to the relationship and created a feeling of obligation. Then there was a pregnancy scare, which was the final bar in the cage and they were married. After they became man and wife, her parents ran for the hills, he was presented with the credit card bills she had been running up, and that exotic pet became a very large debt for him to take care of, along with the care and feeding of his abusive, insane new spouse. To this day, the narcissist wife uses the incident of spending $1200 on him as an example of how much she ‘spoils’ him and how generous and wonderful she is or was to her ungrateful wretch of a husband. And, of course, now that they are married, the pet is “mine” and everything he has purchased for the household over the years of marriage is “mine” —she never says “our”—everything is hers, though she does not work consistently, spends more than she makes when she does work, and he is the one who has shouldered the majority of the financial burdens and responsibilities over the years by working steadily outside the home. She says it’s all hers, nothing is his, and nothing is ‘ours’. That $1200 “gift” has cost him his entire life.
When you receive a gift from a narc, it will often be something that the narc themselves wants or likes, rather than a gift suited to your own tastes, or even your own size. The narc only sees the recipient of their gift as an extension of themselves, a canvas to paint their own desires upon, or a mirror to see a version of themselves that they desire.
A woman I know with a narcissistic mother often receives gifts of clothing and jewelry that are exquisite pieces, finely crafted, high-end brands that are much too small and not in styles or colors that she prefers. She knows that her mother expects a great deal of gratitude, thanks and praise for gifting her with these wonderful items. She feels guilty for not enjoying these unsuitable presents. She ends up feeling like a bad person and an unworthy daughter. She feels unable to express a boundary regarding these expensive items, because she knows the narcissist parent will turn it into a fight about how ungrateful she is and how she has hurt her mother by being so mean and thoughtless, though the gifts themselves are unkind and inconsiderate.
When you receive a gift from a narc, look around to see who the narc is performing for. They like to craft a public image of wealth, success, benevolence, kindness, and other traits they do not actually possess. Look for the audience. Is the narc showing off for business associates, family, or a friend-group? This act of generosity performed for an audience is a little trap for later on; when you finally catch on to the cruelty and want to leave, everyone who saw how generous and kind the narc was in their gifting will likely help the narc gaslight you about who the crazy, bad one is or was. “I saw that ring Narcy gave you at Christmas two years ago; only a man in love would give such a thing, are you sure he was only using you and cheating on you? Are you sure you aren’t just overreacting? I mean, you know how kind and affectionate he is, maybe you didn’t see what you thought you saw when he was hugging and kissing his secretary.” Everyone who sees and believes the Narcissist’s ‘Great and Wonderful ME! Show’ will then become his unwitting flying monkeys, making it difficult for you to believe your own eyes, trust your own perceptions, and do what you need to do to escape and survive.
When you receive a gift from a narc, look for the hidden strings and unspoken expectations. Where is the quid pro quo? They did this one nice thing for you, now here are all the strings for everything they expect from you for the rest of your life to pay them back for their single gift. What? You didn’t know that by accepting this gift you were agreeing to be their servant for the rest of your life? Well, honey, that’s on you. Now step up and serve that narc!
Footnotes
Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.
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