evile

If your conversation with a narcissist ended badly, will he return to you again, or would he hoover?

I’m honestly not sure what you are defining as ‘returning to you’ vs ‘hoover’ or why it would make a difference. Do you want this person back in your life? If so, why? If I were in your shoes, I would do some therapy and some self-work and choose healthy mutual relationships for my future, rather than hoping (or fearing!) that a toxic person would return to my life.

Narcs are cowards; if you rejected them harshly they may not come back soon, as the threat of more rejection is too hard on their ego. Direct and honest contact and communication are really just too hard for them.

They may post a sad little picture on their social media, or a song that was meaningful to the two of you, or there may be some sort of medical emergency, a death in the family, or some other crisis that they have to contact you about, or perhaps there is some “really important” something they left at your house that they suddenly must have. Those indirect bids for attention are normally what is termed a ‘hoover’[1]—when the narcissist throws out a little nugget of drama to suck you back in and make you engage with them again.

Some narcs will just come back into your life and act like there was no argument, no disagreement, nothing happened, “la-la-la, let’s just get back to normal.” Is that what you meant when you said “return to you again” ?

A functional adult, in the face of a disagreement or argument, will not play manipulative games and they will not attempt to just ‘gloss over’ the hurt feelings and pretend nothing happened until the next blow-up. In a mature relationship, there may be a need for both people to cool off and think for a while, but this is not a ‘silent treatment’ or a punishment for the other person, it’s a necessary step in resolving the issue. One or both parties will apologize[2]

This will include an expression of regretting one’s own actions and words, having empathy with the other person’s feelings and point of view, a request for forgiveness, and a commitment to changing behavior in the future.

A narcissist is not capable of a sincere or full apology, as they are not capable of self-examination, recognizing their own defects, having empathy for others, admitting fault or asking for forgiveness, and it is very, very difficult for them to change—due to their mental illness/trauma/cognitive defect of narcissism, they are locked into a pattern of behavior and a primitive set of emotions from a very young age.

Narcs love drama, they will play the pushmepullyou game until one of you dies; they’re like a labrador with a tennis ball that way. As long as someone is throwing, they’re catching. Or as long as you are catching, they’re throwing. It’s hard to untangle sometimes, isn’t it? I cannot recommend counseling, therapy, self-help, and self-work enough in this situation. You don’t have to play this game, you don’t have to be in a relationship with a narcissist. You can choose a peaceful, fulfilling life for yourself and relationships that are mutually kind, respectful, and nurturing. I recommend that you do that rather than worry what the narc is going to do next.

Footnotes

[1]

12 Signs You're Being Hoovered By a Narcissist

[2]

The Five Ingredients of an Effective Apology

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