evile

The narcissist doesn’t want you or any one particularly, they just need a ‘role’ in their dramatic lives. Elizabeth Westray’s answer was right on the money—they are the solo performer in what I like to call “The Great and Wonderful ME! Show” Other people are props, window dressings, or audience members for their show.

Others have described the narcissist as a bratty child having a tea party—they make the rules as they go along and the “bad” toys get punished for not obeying the rules of the brat princess tea party. In other words: it has nothing to do with the behavior of the toy, the drama is all in the mind of the ‘brat princess’.

So, likewise, nothing you do or say is the ‘cause’ of the narcissist’s meltdown, abuse, boredom, discard, or what-have-you. Nothing you do or say can fix them, placate them when they are in a frame of mind to be distressed, or please them when they are in a frame of mind to be angry.

Another way to examine the Narcissist’s behavior is to consider the Karpman Drama Triangle.

[1]

This is a model of human interaction that normally maps humans in conflict. When there is a conflict, people generally tend to fall into the roles of oppressor, victim and rescuer. Because the narcissist is disordered, they tend to view their entire existence as a conflict, rather than having (or desiring) a calm life with occasional conflicts as a normal person might expect. The narcissist is wired ‘backward’ from normal people. Normal people find a life of harmonious calm to be peaceful, they find that a life without strife is nurturing and invigorating. The narcissst finds a life of quiet calm to be stressful and unhappy-making. They get bored. It gives them too much time to think and reflect and get close to the empty hollow place inside. It is easier and more nourishing to the narcissist to have conflict, because conflict (Drama) is their true ‘supply,’ not the attention, affection, gifts, or other things they may receive from a person. So they must be always manipulating someone into giving them the Drama they crave in order to feel alive, either by manipulating the person into being the Rescuer or the Oppressor OR by creating drama outside the relationship, which they will then expect their ‘supply’ to participate in by ‘rescuing’ them AKA joining them in oppressing someone else. (No matter what vile and harmful things the Narc does, he or she will never see themselves as anything other than the victim, and they will always keep their supply cycling between being Rescuer or Oppressor. See, also, Splitting

[2]

)

You may be able to take a step back from your interactions with a narc to observe that moment of triumph when they have managed to poke and snipe and gripe and pester their target until the target becomes upset or angry. At that point, the previously-agitated narc will suddenly become calm, maybe even smile a little, because they were able to offload their feelings of distress onto their victim.

Within the Drama Triangle model, the Narc is then able to go from the role of Oppressor to the role of Victim—how dare you respond to my aggressive mistreatment with anger or sorrow, don’t you know how HARD it is for Meeeeeeeeeeee? At this point there may be another friend or family member they can recruit as a ‘rescuer’ to help them pile on more abuse toward their victim, who they have switched into the role of “Oppressor” by goading them into reactive behavior.

The reality is that the person the NPD is torturing *is* actually the victim in the relationship, but as far as the “role” that they are assigned in the demented “Great and Wonderful ME! Show” the NPD is putting on inside their own head, the NPD will never acknowledge the harm they do, nor the fact that they are the ones creating and perpetuating the Drama. Honestly, the best thing you can do once you realize you have gotten mixed up with a Narc is to become as ‘boring’[3]

as you possibly can so that they will move on to another victim and you can begin to make a peaceful life for yourself.

Footnotes

[1]

Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia

[2]

What is Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder?

[3]

The Price and Payoff of a Gray Rock Strategy

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