evile

Narcissistic Personality Disorder has a particular set of traits or characteristics that psychological professionals use to diagnose people with a mental illness.

A grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
Exploitation of others
A lack of empathy
Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes

It is fairly common in relationships that are having difficulties, or breaking up, for one partner to call the other a ‘narcissist’—since most of us are not psychological professionals, that is not a diagnosis! What most regular people seem to mean when they call someone a narcissist is that they think that the person is selfish, uncaring, self-involved, rude, and vain. These can certainly be personality disorder traits, but I would say in general that someone who is not a mental health professional does not have the tools or expertise to differentiate between a person who is behaving badly during a time of interpersonal conflict and a person who has a psychological disorder (characterized by a pattern of behavior over time).

If you believe that you are being called narcissistic by a narcissist, I’d go ahead and unpack that in the following way:

the person calling you a narcissist may or may not be a narcissist. Have they been diagnosed, or treated for that mental illness? If not, then perhaps they are just behaving badly. There is no justification to tolerate people behaving abusively, you can and should remove yourself from that situation.
The person calling you a narcissist may or may not be a narcissist. One of the things narcissists do is called “projection” where they accuse other people of the negative behavior they themselves are perpetrating. “I didn’t eat the cookie, YOU ate the cookie!” the toddler yells, with hands and face covered in cookie crumbs. If you don’t allow yourself to fall into a power struggle of defending yourself and trying to prove who ate the cookie, you will be able to see the situation more clearly, and possibly find humor in the absurdity of it. Please allow the wave of laughter to carry you away from this ridiculous person.
You may be a narcissist. The fact that you care what someone thinks of you and the idea of being seen as a narcissist distresses you, is a good sign that you are probably not the narcissist in this situation. If you have the ability to self-examine and find flaws in your own behavior or admit your mistakes, you are probably not the narc.

Regardless, I think the most important thing in your situation is to stop and think about whether or not you want to continue to give time, energy, and consideration to a person who is calling you these kinds of names. Good luck!

==============

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.