evile

This is an interesting and excellent question. When survivors of narcissistic abuse compare their experiences, there are so many things in common, it’s almost as if there is an NPD “Playbook” out there that they are all working from. Some of the higher functioning, more intelligent narcissistic abusers may even understand what they are doing and be doing it very deliberately in a planned way. However, I feel that the reason most NPDs behave the same way and put their victims through the exact same set of trials and misery is just because, plainly, it’s effective.

In the same way a crying child will elicit certain responses from empathetic people, the narcissist’s behavior will attract the kind of person they can exploit and abuse. They have a very predictable cycle of behavior. The relationship starts with a ‘love bomb’. Often, they have set themselves up as an expert in something that their victim finds interesting. Their target sees them as a source of knowlege or a pathway to their own enlightenment and the NPD encourages their inquiry; praising them as being especially talented or capable, very smart, amazingly astute. You are on the path to knowing as much as they do, and being as shiny as they are. You are the most skilled student he/she has ever had, you are the heir to their wisdom. You bask in their praise and feel that you are really receiving valuable information and knowledge. (or vice-versa, you are the expert and they are an adoring student who hangs on your every word. Their show of excessive respect for your great wisdom can be very intoxicating, also)

Another tactic they may use during the love bombing phase is that they have set themselves up as a hard-luck story for their target to ‘rescue’. No one has ever understood their pain the way you do, no one else sees and understands them the way you do. Are you The One they’ve been seeking their entire life? You are their All and Everything, you are the most amazing person they’ve ever known. You understand and you have everything they have ever needed or wanted in a person.

These pedestals feel very good and you want to stay there. But of course, the tests have begun. There are little pushes and nudges out of your safety zone, little tests of your boundaries. Will you get up at 3 am and take them to the airport, will you give them money, will you take their side against another ‘expert’ in the field or against someone who has left them a bad review on Yelp or a negative comment in social media? Will you come to rescue them in the middle of the night from a situation they created themselves ( as you will come to realize much, much later)? Are you willing to lose friends, leave social groups, or disconnect from family to show how much you love them and believe their version of reality? Are you willing to disregard your own gut instincts and your own memory of events in order to uphold the narcissist? If so, congratulations, you win more abuse from the narcissist! Aren’t you lucky?

Once you have demonstrated your loyalty by passing these tests, the little nitpicks begin. You didn’t do this thing right. If you had done that thing for them, they would not be giving you the silent treatment. If you had been sensitive to their needs, they would not have to exhibit A, B, C harmful behavior toward you. How dare you question their expertise, you didn’t know anything about ABC until you came to them to learn! And let’s not forget the contradictory instructions and ever changing requirements you will have to somehow navigate daily in order to keep from getting The Wrath.

Don’t worry, there is actually no way to satisfy this person and avoid rage, punishment, the silent treatment, or what-have you. The only way to win is not to play. But they will hold out those early love-bombing days as a promise, if only you can walk this razor studded tightrope successfully and prove that you deserve it.

Your social circle has dwindled and there’s no one to give you a reality check about the narcissist’s behavior. Their contempt of you becomes internalized and you feel that you deserve the poor treatment you receive, that you are exactly as stupid and worthless as the narcissist says you are. Pay no mind to the fact that you’ve taken on the lion’s share of labor and financial responsibility while he or she continues to hold the spotlight as the hard-working ‘expert’ (you are doing all the work, you are paying for their lifestyle as they put on the “Great and Wonderful Me!” Show but somehow they are neither grateful nor pleased with your work) or continues to tell everyone else the ‘sad and downtrodden victim’ story, no matter how hard you try to make their life easy and make them happy. In fact, they are probably telling everyone that YOU are the abuser, behind your back…so that when or if you finally decide to get help or leave, everyone will take the NPD’s side against you. And of course your self esteem is so shot and you’ve been gas-lit for so long by that point that you will almost believe that you WERE the abusive one.

So, yes there is a pattern and a cycle. Whether the narcissist is aware of it or not, I do not know. But everyone who has experienced this type of person will tell you eeriliy similar stories of their descent into Hell.

===========

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.