1746 sineater's LJ entry yesterday

[evile]

 

 

 

17 Nov. 11:34 am

 

 

Sun, Nov. 16th, 2003, 10:33 pm
Ever feel really used?
...or have friends who tell you you mean something to them, but only
contact you when they want something? Just curious.
Current Mood: rejected
Current Music: Dead Kennedys - Soup Is Good Food

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my reply in his comments:

um...all of 'em?

yeah...I definitely feel where you're coming from on this. The most
major offender has been dumped (or dumped me, or whatever the hell)
and I am feeling like I'm pretty much at equilibrium with the rest.

*hugs* Call or email if you wanna talk. See ya Wednesday?
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My LJ entry:

There seems to be a fine border between using/being used and actual
friendship.

It is a hard border to patrol.

I find that in my constant vigilance to keep myself from being a
doormat, I am also turning away potential friends and potential
opportunities to deepen acquaintances into friendships.

As I grow older, I find myself less willing to be used in exchange
for possibly being considered a friend.

I find myself more and more alone, possibly as a result of this
unwillingness to be used.

I sometimes catch myself wishing that people wanted to use me so I'd
at least have people around.

I find myself rejecting that wish with the same breath.

I find that I don't know how to make myself materially and
emotionally available WITHOUT feeling that I am opening myself to
abuse and doormattery at the same time.

I reject words like 'slave' and 'submissive' quite violently and yet
when I get into relationships, I find myself constantly doing and
giving to the other person(s) and neglecting my own wants and desires.

I find it easy to say 'no'. I find it difficult to say 'yes'.

But once I've said 'yes' once, I find it difficult, if not
impossible, to tell others when I feel I am being used.

I don't know how to fix this quality in myself, so I keep everyone at
arms length. Which is lonely and self-defeating and sad.

Thinking about feeling is no good.


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some additional thoughts:

this ties in, strangely, with my thing against XMas.

I don't mind buying presents for people, but not because I HAVE to.
Because I want to. Once it becomes an obligation, once it is expected
I am not interested in doing it.

I like doing nice things because I'm nice and I like to see the look
on someone's face when I do the nice thing or give the nice thing.
Once someone expects nice things and nice ness from me, I am no
longer interested in doing/being nice