Loving Yourself and Well-Being
Feb. 8th, 2005 08:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileMy library books are due Thursday, so this will be the last post out of this batch. I really loved reading this section. I think we can all benefit from learning ways to love (and forgive) ourselves. We know ourselves better than anyone else does, good and bad, and we are often our own worst enemies and harshest critics. Not to be all hokey or anything, but if God/dess knows us inside and out and still loves us and forgives us, who are we to tell hir s/he's wrong?
From It's Not Okay Anymore: Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, Taking Charge, and Loving Yourself by Greg Enns and Jan Black :
LOVING YOURSELF AND WELL-BEING
Some people break free of abuse but never break into loving themselves. In fact, loving yourself is an art that many people ignore. We want more for you. Life without abuse is wonderful, but abuse-free living with self-love is fabulous!
The idea of loving yourself can sound self-centered or even selfish. It isn't. The kind of self-love we are describing is being good to yourself in ways that bring light and life to you and to those around you.
Loving yourself and well-being are closely linked to each other. In fact, loving yourself is a part of well-being. They don't happen in a day, but the decision to say "yes" to learning to love yourself and to living a life of well-being can happen in a moment. Even this moment.
What is well-being? It is a proces, a life-long journey with big rewards. It is a state of thriving in your mind, body, and spirit. Thriving is way beyond surviving. It is living fully. Well-being gives you balance through life's ups and downs, celebrations and devastations. It enables you to honor yourself and others by speaking and living out the truth. It is an integrity in your spiritual core that radiates out into your body, mind, world, work, play, finances, and relationships.
Well-being requires you to give love to yourself and receive it from others. It is impossible to do this without valuing yourself. When you value yourself, your central belief becomes "I can live a safe and loving life." However, when you give yourself over to shame, guilt, and self-defeat, your central belief becomes "this notion of well-being is just one more sweet dream that won't be a part of my nightmarish life."
(STOP. As you read this last sentence, did you agree that good things aren't for you? If you did, please hear us as your coaches, you are valuable, you are precious, and if you are willing, well-being can be yours, one day at a time.)
You arrived in this world with built-in value and it is still there inside you. Still strong. Still beautiful. Still waiting to be believed and applied. Built-in value is like an internal bank account with your name on it. It is yours and nothing you can do can empty it. It is there because you are human.
What do you believe about yourself and your destiny? The following Self-Beliefs Checklist will help you find out. In order to unleash love in your life, you must begin clearing it of the false, self-limiting beliefs that hold you back. Some of the most common, and the ones that lead to almost all of our unhappiness, are listed below. In front of each of the following beliefs, circle a "T" for those you believe are TRUE for you, an "F" for those you believe are NOT TRUE for you, and an "M" for those that MAY be true for you today.
SELF-BELIEFS CHECKLIST
I believe:
T F M I can only achieve a limited amount of success.
T F M I am bad, inadequate, unlovable, or unworthy.
T F M Other people make me feel and act the way I do.
T F M I am powerless to change my feelings.
T F M I am powerless to change my life.
T F M I am responsible for people's feelings. (Example: It is up to me to make them happy and when they aren't, it's up to me to fix it.)
T F M Money, love, alcohol and other drugs, clothes, approval, sex, a great body and/or control over others will make me happy.
T F M Anger, pouting, or the silent treatment will get me what I want.
T F M The more others do what I want the happier I will be.
T F M Pain is my destiny and joy and peace are not mine to have.
T F M It is too late to take charge of my life.
T F M I am unable to make positive and lasting changes.
SIGNS AND EFFECTS OF LOVE AND UNLOVE
Like the Self-Beliefs Checklist, the following lists will help you measure where you are in loving yourself and in well-being. By marking the items in each list that are true in your own life, a personal profile will emerge. Use it as a guide in making choices for your growth.
SIGNS OF NOT LOVING YOURSELF
It is likely that you are a person who does not love yourself if:
1. You allow others to define who you are.
2. You don't know yourself very well.
3. You are unclear about what you want.
4. You are satisfied if you are just surviving.
5. You allow your abuser's promises to change to keep you in an unhealthy relationship.
6. You are unaware of your own feelings.
7. You have a high level of anxiety.
8. You are often victimized.
9. You suffer a lot of stress-related illnesses (such as stomachaches, headaches, ulcers, hives, colitis, panic attacks).
10. You don't have guilt-free fun.
11. You have difficulty with close relationships.
12. You have trouble accepting gifts and compliments.
13. You have trouble giving gifts with no "strings" attached.
14. You sabotage your own progress and success.
15. You often feel hopeless and helpless.
16. You feel guilty when you stand up for yourself or act assertively.
17. You tend to be overly responsible or are very irresponsible.
18. You tend to give in to others instead of taking care of yourself.
19. You don't feel loved, accepted, capable, or worthwhile.
20. You feel like you don't belong.
21. You have trouble communicating about yourself.
22. You tend to stay in relationships that are harmful.
THE EFFECTS OF NOT LOVING YOURSELF
The following statements are often true of people who struggle with loving themselves. Mark those that are true of you.
When you don't love yourself:
1. You accept anything that is dished out, tolerating neglect and abuse.
2. You become easily discouraged.
3. You resist or reject positive people, places, and things.
4. You have difficulty forgiving yourself and others.
5. You give in at the expense of your own good.
6. You lack confidence, especially in making decisions.
7. You are often afraid and confused.
8. You live a chaotic life from one crisis to the next.
9. You are driven by the need to be perfect.
10. You believe you don't have rights.
11. You indulge in escapism (fantasy, addictions, compulsions).
12. You don't have clearly defined boundaries and you become entangled with your partners' needs and emotions.
13. You become critical of others and yourself.
14. You confuse love with pity or other intense things.
15. You fear opening up and being real with others.
16. You miss out on opportunities to be truly loved.
SIGNS OF LOVING YOURSELF
It is likely you are a person who loves yourself if:
1. You ask for or find healthy ways to get what you need.
2. You become satisfied only when thriving (not just surviving).
3. You have a strong identity and usually approve of yourself.
4. You love people who also love themselves.
5. You relate only to a partner with whom love is given and received.
6. You let yourself feel anger then find healthy ways to resolve it.
7. You mostly feel secure and clear.
8. You know that you always have choices and the power to choose.
9. You recognize when you are happy and unhappy.
10. You consider alternative behavior and possible consequences before you act.
11. You feel comfortable with most people and authority figures.
12. You take healthy risks to continue to grow personally.
13. You accept and forgive yourself when you make a mistake.
14. You feel free to express any emotion (without hurting self/others)
15. You find satisfying ways to express your creativity.
16. You accept consequences and learn lessons from them.
17. You have confidence in your ability to learn.
18. You take time to become rested and renewed.
19. You honor and nurture your spiritual growth.
20. You have regular medical/dental checkups.
21. You practice a regular exercise program.
22. You maintain a sensible diet.
THE EFFECTS OF LOVING YOURSELF
The following statements are often true of people who love themselves. Mark those that are true of you.
When you love yourself:
1. You open yourself up to creativity.
2. You deal positively with anger, resentment, and fear.
3. You move to greater peace within yourself and with others.
4. You become a confident person determined to succeed.
5. You respect yourself and others by honoring healthy boundaries.
6. You have hope based on reality.
7. You are willing to take risks that help you grow.
8. You become aware that you are capable of enjoying life and making it better and better.
9. You become more honest with yourself and others.
10. You open yourself up to love.
11. You change your focus from waht is wrong about you to what is right about you.
12. You take responsibility for yourself.
13. You claim your value and potential.
14. You become more humble, joyful, generous, peaceful, assured, free, harmonious, and healthful.
Love yourself by:
SETTING AND PRACTICING BOUNDARIES
RECOGNIZING A HEALTHY COUPLE RELATIONSHIP
While we are exploring the keys to loving yourself, we want to stop for a moment and look at the qualities of a healthy relationship. This checklist will help you measure your present relationship and any future relationship you may have. No relationship is perfect, but a healthy relationship includes growth in these areas.
A healthy couple will:
1. Tolerate individual differences.
2. Accept responsibility for one's own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
3. Experience a give and take relationship.
4. Have realistic values and expectations.
5. Exchange caring behaviors.
6. Want to know his/her partner and be known.
7. Communicate effectively.
8. Enjoy freedom to express all emotions.
9. Spend time together. [and spend time alone, and spend time apart!=E!]
10. Maintain separate identities.
11. Make sure both partners' needs are being met in a balanced way.
12. Share in decision-making.
13. Celebrate their partnership.
Mark the qualities that are present in your current relationship.
EXPRESSING YOUR CREATIVITY
==========
Here are some links on loving yourself.
Loving Yourself Skills (some nice hands-on ways to show yourself tender kindness)
Tips on How to Love Yourself (some pen and paper type exercises to try)
So What is Loving Yourself? (some very good self-affirming thoughts)
The Legend of Yourself (a story and meditation)
WomanSpirit Rising!, Loving Yourself (a pagan feminist page)
"Loving Yourself" by Rev. Kathy Switzer, Th.B. (a christian page)
From It's Not Okay Anymore: Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, Taking Charge, and Loving Yourself by Greg Enns and Jan Black :
Some people break free of abuse but never break into loving themselves. In fact, loving yourself is an art that many people ignore. We want more for you. Life without abuse is wonderful, but abuse-free living with self-love is fabulous!
The idea of loving yourself can sound self-centered or even selfish. It isn't. The kind of self-love we are describing is being good to yourself in ways that bring light and life to you and to those around you.
Loving yourself and well-being are closely linked to each other. In fact, loving yourself is a part of well-being. They don't happen in a day, but the decision to say "yes" to learning to love yourself and to living a life of well-being can happen in a moment. Even this moment.
What is well-being? It is a proces, a life-long journey with big rewards. It is a state of thriving in your mind, body, and spirit. Thriving is way beyond surviving. It is living fully. Well-being gives you balance through life's ups and downs, celebrations and devastations. It enables you to honor yourself and others by speaking and living out the truth. It is an integrity in your spiritual core that radiates out into your body, mind, world, work, play, finances, and relationships.
Well-being requires you to give love to yourself and receive it from others. It is impossible to do this without valuing yourself. When you value yourself, your central belief becomes "I can live a safe and loving life." However, when you give yourself over to shame, guilt, and self-defeat, your central belief becomes "this notion of well-being is just one more sweet dream that won't be a part of my nightmarish life."
(STOP. As you read this last sentence, did you agree that good things aren't for you? If you did, please hear us as your coaches, you are valuable, you are precious, and if you are willing, well-being can be yours, one day at a time.)
You arrived in this world with built-in value and it is still there inside you. Still strong. Still beautiful. Still waiting to be believed and applied. Built-in value is like an internal bank account with your name on it. It is yours and nothing you can do can empty it. It is there because you are human.
What do you believe about yourself and your destiny? The following Self-Beliefs Checklist will help you find out. In order to unleash love in your life, you must begin clearing it of the false, self-limiting beliefs that hold you back. Some of the most common, and the ones that lead to almost all of our unhappiness, are listed below. In front of each of the following beliefs, circle a "T" for those you believe are TRUE for you, an "F" for those you believe are NOT TRUE for you, and an "M" for those that MAY be true for you today.
I believe:
T F M I can only achieve a limited amount of success.
T F M I am bad, inadequate, unlovable, or unworthy.
T F M Other people make me feel and act the way I do.
T F M I am powerless to change my feelings.
T F M I am powerless to change my life.
T F M I am responsible for people's feelings. (Example: It is up to me to make them happy and when they aren't, it's up to me to fix it.)
T F M Money, love, alcohol and other drugs, clothes, approval, sex, a great body and/or control over others will make me happy.
T F M Anger, pouting, or the silent treatment will get me what I want.
T F M The more others do what I want the happier I will be.
T F M Pain is my destiny and joy and peace are not mine to have.
T F M It is too late to take charge of my life.
T F M I am unable to make positive and lasting changes.
Like the Self-Beliefs Checklist, the following lists will help you measure where you are in loving yourself and in well-being. By marking the items in each list that are true in your own life, a personal profile will emerge. Use it as a guide in making choices for your growth.
It is likely that you are a person who does not love yourself if:
1. You allow others to define who you are.
2. You don't know yourself very well.
3. You are unclear about what you want.
4. You are satisfied if you are just surviving.
5. You allow your abuser's promises to change to keep you in an unhealthy relationship.
6. You are unaware of your own feelings.
7. You have a high level of anxiety.
8. You are often victimized.
9. You suffer a lot of stress-related illnesses (such as stomachaches, headaches, ulcers, hives, colitis, panic attacks).
10. You don't have guilt-free fun.
11. You have difficulty with close relationships.
12. You have trouble accepting gifts and compliments.
13. You have trouble giving gifts with no "strings" attached.
14. You sabotage your own progress and success.
15. You often feel hopeless and helpless.
16. You feel guilty when you stand up for yourself or act assertively.
17. You tend to be overly responsible or are very irresponsible.
18. You tend to give in to others instead of taking care of yourself.
19. You don't feel loved, accepted, capable, or worthwhile.
20. You feel like you don't belong.
21. You have trouble communicating about yourself.
22. You tend to stay in relationships that are harmful.
The following statements are often true of people who struggle with loving themselves. Mark those that are true of you.
When you don't love yourself:
1. You accept anything that is dished out, tolerating neglect and abuse.
2. You become easily discouraged.
3. You resist or reject positive people, places, and things.
4. You have difficulty forgiving yourself and others.
5. You give in at the expense of your own good.
6. You lack confidence, especially in making decisions.
7. You are often afraid and confused.
8. You live a chaotic life from one crisis to the next.
9. You are driven by the need to be perfect.
10. You believe you don't have rights.
11. You indulge in escapism (fantasy, addictions, compulsions).
12. You don't have clearly defined boundaries and you become entangled with your partners' needs and emotions.
13. You become critical of others and yourself.
14. You confuse love with pity or other intense things.
15. You fear opening up and being real with others.
16. You miss out on opportunities to be truly loved.
It is likely you are a person who loves yourself if:
1. You ask for or find healthy ways to get what you need.
2. You become satisfied only when thriving (not just surviving).
3. You have a strong identity and usually approve of yourself.
4. You love people who also love themselves.
5. You relate only to a partner with whom love is given and received.
6. You let yourself feel anger then find healthy ways to resolve it.
7. You mostly feel secure and clear.
8. You know that you always have choices and the power to choose.
9. You recognize when you are happy and unhappy.
10. You consider alternative behavior and possible consequences before you act.
11. You feel comfortable with most people and authority figures.
12. You take healthy risks to continue to grow personally.
13. You accept and forgive yourself when you make a mistake.
14. You feel free to express any emotion (without hurting self/others)
15. You find satisfying ways to express your creativity.
16. You accept consequences and learn lessons from them.
17. You have confidence in your ability to learn.
18. You take time to become rested and renewed.
19. You honor and nurture your spiritual growth.
20. You have regular medical/dental checkups.
21. You practice a regular exercise program.
22. You maintain a sensible diet.
The following statements are often true of people who love themselves. Mark those that are true of you.
When you love yourself:
1. You open yourself up to creativity.
2. You deal positively with anger, resentment, and fear.
3. You move to greater peace within yourself and with others.
4. You become a confident person determined to succeed.
5. You respect yourself and others by honoring healthy boundaries.
6. You have hope based on reality.
7. You are willing to take risks that help you grow.
8. You become aware that you are capable of enjoying life and making it better and better.
9. You become more honest with yourself and others.
10. You open yourself up to love.
11. You change your focus from waht is wrong about you to what is right about you.
12. You take responsibility for yourself.
13. You claim your value and potential.
14. You become more humble, joyful, generous, peaceful, assured, free, harmonious, and healthful.
Love yourself by:
SETTING AND PRACTICING BOUNDARIES
RECOGNIZING A HEALTHY COUPLE RELATIONSHIP
While we are exploring the keys to loving yourself, we want to stop for a moment and look at the qualities of a healthy relationship. This checklist will help you measure your present relationship and any future relationship you may have. No relationship is perfect, but a healthy relationship includes growth in these areas.
A healthy couple will:
1. Tolerate individual differences.
2. Accept responsibility for one's own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
3. Experience a give and take relationship.
4. Have realistic values and expectations.
5. Exchange caring behaviors.
6. Want to know his/her partner and be known.
7. Communicate effectively.
8. Enjoy freedom to express all emotions.
9. Spend time together. [and spend time alone, and spend time apart!=E!]
10. Maintain separate identities.
11. Make sure both partners' needs are being met in a balanced way.
12. Share in decision-making.
13. Celebrate their partnership.
Mark the qualities that are present in your current relationship.
EXPRESSING YOUR CREATIVITY
Here are some links on loving yourself.
Loving Yourself Skills (some nice hands-on ways to show yourself tender kindness)
Tips on How to Love Yourself (some pen and paper type exercises to try)
So What is Loving Yourself? (some very good self-affirming thoughts)
The Legend of Yourself (a story and meditation)
WomanSpirit Rising!, Loving Yourself (a pagan feminist page)
"Loving Yourself" by Rev. Kathy Switzer, Th.B. (a christian page)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
:)
Date: 2005-02-09 02:51 pm (UTC)Re: :)
Date: 2005-02-09 03:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-09 03:16 pm (UTC)I am pleased to say, that even though there are still things I need to work on, that these days the Loving Yourself Checklist does a much better job of describing me.
*hugs*
Date: 2005-02-09 03:23 pm (UTC)thanks for posting that
Date: 2005-02-09 04:56 pm (UTC)Re: thanks for posting that
Date: 2005-02-09 05:09 pm (UTC)