Success and Self-Esteem
Feb. 6th, 2005 03:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It's Not Okay Anymore: Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, Taking Charge, and Loving Yourself, by Greg Enns and Jan Black:
SUCCESS AND SELF-ESTEEM
What is success? In terms of the Cycle of Personal Responsibility, success is any movement toward safety and well-being. Any movement. It is not necessary to always complete the cycle in order to be successful. Setting yourself free is a process full of tiny success steps. Success, no matter what its size, makes you hungry for more. It drives you to do it again and again, creating a force that carries you to more success and higher self-esteem
WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
Self-esteem is what you think and how you feel about yourself. High self-esteem means you think well of yourself. Low self-esteem means you think poorly of yourself.
HOW DO SUCCESS AND SELF-ESTEEM WORK TOGETHER?
Success and self-esteem feed each other. Success increases your self-esteem and self-esteem leads you to more and more success. By taking charge of
your life, you step onto an upward path of personal fulfillment.
HOW IS SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPED?
Your self-esteem is developed by your impressions of yourself based on
your successes, failures, and other people's opinions, comments, and
actions towards you. This is why words and actions toward children are so
important--they form their early identity. In a perfect world, we would
each think well of ourselves. In the real world, most of struggle to
believe we are valuable.
The following messages are typical of those that build or lower self-
esteem. Mark the messages in either column that resemble those you
have adopted about yourself.
Messages that Build Self-esteem
1. You are gifted and capable.
2. You are desirable.
3. I'm lucky to have you in my life.
4. You are bright, attractive, sensible, valuable, powerful, a winner.
5. You are able to be a great partner (parent, student, person).
6. I'm here to help you.
7. You're no bother.
Add others:
___________________
Messages that Lower Self-esteem
1. You'll never amount to anything
2. Nobody would ever want you.
3. You are lucky to have me.
4. You are stupid, ugly, brainless, worthless, a loser, good-for-nothing
5. You're an awful spouse (parent, student, person).
6. You're on your own.
7. You drive me nuts.
Add others:
________________________________
Some people with high self-esteem enter abusive relationships unknowingly. Either they have not seen or recognized the signs of abuse or they believe love and a positive attitude will overcome the abuse. However, high self-esteem and abuse cannot live together for long. Either the victim
will end the abuse or the esteem will drop.
When your self-esteem is low, it is common to feel worthless, hopeless, stupid, overwhelmingly guilty and/or ashamed. These feelings can make it very difficult to muster the courage to take charge of your life and move away from abuse. But you are no stranger to difficulties. You are already a person of courage. Now you can apply that courage to your own life in new ways. Life is hard, but life is best when you take charge of it.
RE-BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM
When you say "yes" to taking charge of your life, you begin re-building your self-esteem. Gradually, or in some cases quickly, you reverse the downward spiral of abuse and learn to act responsibly for your own good and the good of others. You unpack and discard the lies that keep you hopeless, and you pack in the truth that sets you free.
....
High self-esteem is built on truth and accomplishment. The following truth statements will help you begin speaking truth to yourself. Read each one slowly, pausing briefly to think it through. Select those that seem to help you the most and use them often to remind yourself of your value.
TRUTH STATEMENTS TO BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
1. I am good enough.
2. I can trust myself to make good choices.
3. I have the right to be here.
4. I am a unique and special person.
5. It's okay to make mistakes.
6. I don't have to be perfect.
7. I deserve to be happy.
8. I can disagree and it's okay.
9. I can express my true feelings.
10. I am a valuable person just as I am.
11. I have a wide range of talents and abilities.
12. I am an attractive and likeable human being.
13. I can choose to see the best in my situation.
14. There are healthy-minded people waiting to love me.
15. I am a powerful and capable person.
16. I have lived through a lot and I can make my life better.
17. Success comes in small steps and I am able to take them, one at a time.
ACCOMPLISHMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM
An accomplishment is simply doing something positive and satisfying. You are accomplishing something positive by reading this book, completing the exercises, and by every act you take to nurture yourself and those around you. Nurture includes everything from stopping to drink a cup of tea while listening to a soothing CD, to lovingly brushing your child's hair, to making and keeping a doctor's appointment.
Each accomplishment is a brick you place in the foundation of your self-esteem. What will you accomplish today?
SUCCESS TIPS!
Here are three more skills that will increase your success and self-esteem. You can begin using them right away. Like any new skill, it will take time to get it right. Remember, perfection isn't required for success, determination is.
SUCCESS TIP #1: CYCLE-JUMPING
Cycle jumping is the art of jumping out of the cycle of abuse each time you realize you are in it. At any point in the cycle of abuse, you can jump into the Cycle of Personal Responsibility. Here is how cycle-jumping works:
Let's say you are successfully working the Cycle of Personal Responsibility when your partner comes home in a rage, kicks the dog across the room, pushes your son aside, and verbally assaults you. These abusive actions are the "Fire!" we talked about in Part One. You are caught off-guard. Instead of activating your Get Safe Plan, you choose to endure the abuse. That night, your lover apologizes and promises to get help. You become aware thaat you have entered the "honeymoon" stage on the cycle of abuse. You say to yourself, "I've been here before. It feels good now, but based on past experience, I can predict what's coming and I don't want it."
At this point you jump cycles over to the COPR. By recognizing the stage you were in on the cycle of abuse, you have already passed "awareness" on the COPR and are now at "Options." You think through your options, make your choice, create a plan, and do it.
Here is another example of cycle-jumping:
You become aware that you have left the COPR and are on teh cycle of abuse somewhere between "tension" and "trigger." Abuse could happen at any time. Let's say your partner's abuse is triggered by jealousy. Your lover has been ridiculing people s/he sees flirting on television and you know s/he will be looking for a reason to accuse you of flirting, too, and even wrose. On this
day, s/he is waiting in the car for you after work. On your way out of the office, a co-worker stops you to ask a work-related question. From your experience, you sense seeing this encounter could trigger your partner into abusing you. You weigh your options and quickly make a plan. You walk to the car but you do not get in it. You greet your partner and engage your partner in conversation to sense your partner's mood. You sense s/he has been triggered by seeing you speak with your associate, and you walk back into the building and carry out Get Safe measures you have already prepared.
No one should have to live like this, yet many people do. If you choose to stay in the relationship, do what you can to protect yourself. Lewarn the COPR, and when you enter the cycle of abuse, jump cycles and take charge at the earliest moment.
Abuse is familiar territory to a victim; taking charge of life is not. Gradually, as you change your pattern, taking charge will become your familiar response. During the transition, cycle-jumping will be an important success skill you will want to adopt.
SUCCESS TIP #2: TAKE-CHARGE WORDS
Take-charge words are simply words that state your feelings and choices in clear ways. Clarity is important because abusers like to pick apart how you say things in order to keep the focus off their actions.
Adjusting your talking pattern, therefore, can help protect you and speed your freedom from abuse. These tips can also increase your success in other parts of your life.
While we don't suggest putting off your escape from abuse until you have mastered the right words, we do want you to be aware of the power of the words you use. We also want to make it clear that you do not owe your abuser well-spoken words. This success tip is for your
protection and empowerment.
We have asked communications expert, Dr. Larry Canning, to comment on this and give us examples of effective and ineffective talking patterns.
TAKE-CHARGE TALKING PATTERNS
"You want your words to work for you, not against you. Here are three examples of both:
1. UNCERTAIN VS. CONFIDENT
Uncertain Language - INEFFECTIVE
'I kind of think maybe seeing a counselor or someone might be a good idea. Do you think maybe it would?'
Confident Language - EFFECTIVE
'I am going to see a counselor. Will you come, too?'
Tip: Even when using confident words, your feelings may be uncertain. Comment on that directly. 'I know my voice is trembling, but I mean what I say.'
2. NON-SPECIFIC VS. SPECIFIC
Non-specific Language - INEFFECTIVE
'I won't stand for being beaten up again like you did the other day.'
Specific Language - EFFECTIVE
'I won't stand for another slap like the one you gave me the other day.'
Tip: You want the other person to 'let in' what you say rather than start an argument about an exaggeration, so be accurate in what you call it.
3. PERSON-FOCUSED VS. BEHAVIOR-FOCUSED
Person-Focused Language - INEFFECTIVE
'I won't put up with your thoughtlessness and insensitivity any more.'
Behavior-Focused Language - EFFECTIVE
'I won't put up with your put-downs in front of other people any longer.'
Tip: while your abuser is thoughtless and insensitive, you want your abuser to focus on the unacceptable behavior.
Part of taking charge of your life, then, means taking charge of your words. These confident, specific, and act-centered talking patterns will increase your chances of getting results, keeping side issues out of the discussion, and maintaining control of the conversation."
SUCCESS TIP #3: KNOWING YOUR MIND'S STRENGTHS
Another way to increase your self-esteem and success is to know the way your mind is wired. We have asked Learning Styles expert Carol Funk to speak with you about it:
You have many strengths, and you can use those strengths to be a successful person. Even if at this moment you don't feel strong, you are.
You were born with these built-in strengths. Scientists have proven that each human mind is pre-wired for a certain style of thinking, or learning. When you use this pre-wired style, you are using your natural strength. This is called your learning style. If you and I could sit and talk, perhaps over coffee or a glass of soda, we would quickly discover waht your learning
strengths are and how they can help you live free of abuse and self-hatre. You would learn that your brain has very specific ways of receiving and processing information. Your "style" effects such things as remembering details from a book, how you summarize the news, how you give directions, how you organize your life, and how you interact with people. When you discover your learning style strengths, you can begin to put these strengths to work for you in your world.
Since we are not sitting somewhere talking, but rather you are reading my message on this page, please remember this: like every human being, you have the built-in strength to live a powerful and effective life. I have watched many people move quickly and confidently into claiming their strengths
after discovering their learning style. You can, too. You have a choice to make and I hope you will say "yes" to the person you are inside"
Note: If you want more information about learning styles, we suggest you contact your local school district or library.
TAKING CHARGE ACTION STEPS
In Part Two we have explored the Cycle of Personal Responsibility and outlined the success and self-esteem the cycle can produce in your life. The following action steps summarize this section and can help you apply what you have learned to your life even further:
1. Determine where you are on the "success zone" on page 37. If you are out of the "zone," use the COPR to create a plan that will move you inside the success zone.
2. Practice using the COPR in daily decision-making.
3. Read Stacy's Story on the COPR. Write your intended story next to hers.
4. Develop a sense of where you are on either cycle at any given moment and practice cycle-jumping if you enter the cycle of abuse.
5. If you have not completed the steps to the cycle on paper, please do so.
6. Mark your responses to the checklists included in this section.
7. Select the truth statements you need most in your life. Repeat them often.
8. Practice take-charge words with a friend, then begin using them with your abuser.
It's Not Okay Anymore: Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, Taking Charge, and Loving Yourself, by Greg Enns and Jan Black:
What is success? In terms of the Cycle of Personal Responsibility, success is any movement toward safety and well-being. Any movement. It is not necessary to always complete the cycle in order to be successful. Setting yourself free is a process full of tiny success steps. Success, no matter what its size, makes you hungry for more. It drives you to do it again and again, creating a force that carries you to more success and higher self-esteem
Self-esteem is what you think and how you feel about yourself. High self-esteem means you think well of yourself. Low self-esteem means you think poorly of yourself.
Success and self-esteem feed each other. Success increases your self-esteem and self-esteem leads you to more and more success. By taking charge of
your life, you step onto an upward path of personal fulfillment.
Your self-esteem is developed by your impressions of yourself based on
your successes, failures, and other people's opinions, comments, and
actions towards you. This is why words and actions toward children are so
important--they form their early identity. In a perfect world, we would
each think well of ourselves. In the real world, most of struggle to
believe we are valuable.
The following messages are typical of those that build or lower self-
esteem. Mark the messages in either column that resemble those you
have adopted about yourself.
Messages that Build Self-esteem
1. You are gifted and capable.
2. You are desirable.
3. I'm lucky to have you in my life.
4. You are bright, attractive, sensible, valuable, powerful, a winner.
5. You are able to be a great partner (parent, student, person).
6. I'm here to help you.
7. You're no bother.
Add others:
___________________
Messages that Lower Self-esteem
1. You'll never amount to anything
2. Nobody would ever want you.
3. You are lucky to have me.
4. You are stupid, ugly, brainless, worthless, a loser, good-for-nothing
5. You're an awful spouse (parent, student, person).
6. You're on your own.
7. You drive me nuts.
Add others:
________________________________
Some people with high self-esteem enter abusive relationships unknowingly. Either they have not seen or recognized the signs of abuse or they believe love and a positive attitude will overcome the abuse. However, high self-esteem and abuse cannot live together for long. Either the victim
will end the abuse or the esteem will drop.
When your self-esteem is low, it is common to feel worthless, hopeless, stupid, overwhelmingly guilty and/or ashamed. These feelings can make it very difficult to muster the courage to take charge of your life and move away from abuse. But you are no stranger to difficulties. You are already a person of courage. Now you can apply that courage to your own life in new ways. Life is hard, but life is best when you take charge of it.
When you say "yes" to taking charge of your life, you begin re-building your self-esteem. Gradually, or in some cases quickly, you reverse the downward spiral of abuse and learn to act responsibly for your own good and the good of others. You unpack and discard the lies that keep you hopeless, and you pack in the truth that sets you free.
....
High self-esteem is built on truth and accomplishment. The following truth statements will help you begin speaking truth to yourself. Read each one slowly, pausing briefly to think it through. Select those that seem to help you the most and use them often to remind yourself of your value.
1. I am good enough.
2. I can trust myself to make good choices.
3. I have the right to be here.
4. I am a unique and special person.
5. It's okay to make mistakes.
6. I don't have to be perfect.
7. I deserve to be happy.
8. I can disagree and it's okay.
9. I can express my true feelings.
10. I am a valuable person just as I am.
11. I have a wide range of talents and abilities.
12. I am an attractive and likeable human being.
13. I can choose to see the best in my situation.
14. There are healthy-minded people waiting to love me.
15. I am a powerful and capable person.
16. I have lived through a lot and I can make my life better.
17. Success comes in small steps and I am able to take them, one at a time.
An accomplishment is simply doing something positive and satisfying. You are accomplishing something positive by reading this book, completing the exercises, and by every act you take to nurture yourself and those around you. Nurture includes everything from stopping to drink a cup of tea while listening to a soothing CD, to lovingly brushing your child's hair, to making and keeping a doctor's appointment.
Each accomplishment is a brick you place in the foundation of your self-esteem. What will you accomplish today?
Here are three more skills that will increase your success and self-esteem. You can begin using them right away. Like any new skill, it will take time to get it right. Remember, perfection isn't required for success, determination is.
Cycle jumping is the art of jumping out of the cycle of abuse each time you realize you are in it. At any point in the cycle of abuse, you can jump into the Cycle of Personal Responsibility. Here is how cycle-jumping works:
Let's say you are successfully working the Cycle of Personal Responsibility when your partner comes home in a rage, kicks the dog across the room, pushes your son aside, and verbally assaults you. These abusive actions are the "Fire!" we talked about in Part One. You are caught off-guard. Instead of activating your Get Safe Plan, you choose to endure the abuse. That night, your lover apologizes and promises to get help. You become aware thaat you have entered the "honeymoon" stage on the cycle of abuse. You say to yourself, "I've been here before. It feels good now, but based on past experience, I can predict what's coming and I don't want it."
At this point you jump cycles over to the COPR. By recognizing the stage you were in on the cycle of abuse, you have already passed "awareness" on the COPR and are now at "Options." You think through your options, make your choice, create a plan, and do it.
Here is another example of cycle-jumping:
You become aware that you have left the COPR and are on teh cycle of abuse somewhere between "tension" and "trigger." Abuse could happen at any time. Let's say your partner's abuse is triggered by jealousy. Your lover has been ridiculing people s/he sees flirting on television and you know s/he will be looking for a reason to accuse you of flirting, too, and even wrose. On this
day, s/he is waiting in the car for you after work. On your way out of the office, a co-worker stops you to ask a work-related question. From your experience, you sense seeing this encounter could trigger your partner into abusing you. You weigh your options and quickly make a plan. You walk to the car but you do not get in it. You greet your partner and engage your partner in conversation to sense your partner's mood. You sense s/he has been triggered by seeing you speak with your associate, and you walk back into the building and carry out Get Safe measures you have already prepared.
No one should have to live like this, yet many people do. If you choose to stay in the relationship, do what you can to protect yourself. Lewarn the COPR, and when you enter the cycle of abuse, jump cycles and take charge at the earliest moment.
Abuse is familiar territory to a victim; taking charge of life is not. Gradually, as you change your pattern, taking charge will become your familiar response. During the transition, cycle-jumping will be an important success skill you will want to adopt.
Take-charge words are simply words that state your feelings and choices in clear ways. Clarity is important because abusers like to pick apart how you say things in order to keep the focus off their actions.
Adjusting your talking pattern, therefore, can help protect you and speed your freedom from abuse. These tips can also increase your success in other parts of your life.
While we don't suggest putting off your escape from abuse until you have mastered the right words, we do want you to be aware of the power of the words you use. We also want to make it clear that you do not owe your abuser well-spoken words. This success tip is for your
protection and empowerment.
We have asked communications expert, Dr. Larry Canning, to comment on this and give us examples of effective and ineffective talking patterns.
"You want your words to work for you, not against you. Here are three examples of both:
1. UNCERTAIN VS. CONFIDENT
Uncertain Language - INEFFECTIVE
'I kind of think maybe seeing a counselor or someone might be a good idea. Do you think maybe it would?'
Confident Language - EFFECTIVE
'I am going to see a counselor. Will you come, too?'
Tip: Even when using confident words, your feelings may be uncertain. Comment on that directly. 'I know my voice is trembling, but I mean what I say.'
2. NON-SPECIFIC VS. SPECIFIC
Non-specific Language - INEFFECTIVE
'I won't stand for being beaten up again like you did the other day.'
Specific Language - EFFECTIVE
'I won't stand for another slap like the one you gave me the other day.'
Tip: You want the other person to 'let in' what you say rather than start an argument about an exaggeration, so be accurate in what you call it.
3. PERSON-FOCUSED VS. BEHAVIOR-FOCUSED
Person-Focused Language - INEFFECTIVE
'I won't put up with your thoughtlessness and insensitivity any more.'
Behavior-Focused Language - EFFECTIVE
'I won't put up with your put-downs in front of other people any longer.'
Tip: while your abuser is thoughtless and insensitive, you want your abuser to focus on the unacceptable behavior.
Part of taking charge of your life, then, means taking charge of your words. These confident, specific, and act-centered talking patterns will increase your chances of getting results, keeping side issues out of the discussion, and maintaining control of the conversation."
Another way to increase your self-esteem and success is to know the way your mind is wired. We have asked Learning Styles expert Carol Funk to speak with you about it:
You have many strengths, and you can use those strengths to be a successful person. Even if at this moment you don't feel strong, you are.
You were born with these built-in strengths. Scientists have proven that each human mind is pre-wired for a certain style of thinking, or learning. When you use this pre-wired style, you are using your natural strength. This is called your learning style. If you and I could sit and talk, perhaps over coffee or a glass of soda, we would quickly discover waht your learning
strengths are and how they can help you live free of abuse and self-hatre. You would learn that your brain has very specific ways of receiving and processing information. Your "style" effects such things as remembering details from a book, how you summarize the news, how you give directions, how you organize your life, and how you interact with people. When you discover your learning style strengths, you can begin to put these strengths to work for you in your world.
Since we are not sitting somewhere talking, but rather you are reading my message on this page, please remember this: like every human being, you have the built-in strength to live a powerful and effective life. I have watched many people move quickly and confidently into claiming their strengths
after discovering their learning style. You can, too. You have a choice to make and I hope you will say "yes" to the person you are inside"
Note: If you want more information about learning styles, we suggest you contact your local school district or library.
In Part Two we have explored the Cycle of Personal Responsibility and outlined the success and self-esteem the cycle can produce in your life. The following action steps summarize this section and can help you apply what you have learned to your life even further:
1. Determine where you are on the "success zone" on page 37. If you are out of the "zone," use the COPR to create a plan that will move you inside the success zone.
2. Practice using the COPR in daily decision-making.
3. Read Stacy's Story on the COPR. Write your intended story next to hers.
4. Develop a sense of where you are on either cycle at any given moment and practice cycle-jumping if you enter the cycle of abuse.
5. If you have not completed the steps to the cycle on paper, please do so.
6. Mark your responses to the checklists included in this section.
7. Select the truth statements you need most in your life. Repeat them often.
8. Practice take-charge words with a friend, then begin using them with your abuser.
