"The Cycle of Abuse"

[evile]

Because I've basically been told not to post this kind of stuff in my journal anymore because it's supposedly giving a twisted little person twisted little ideas, here is more, with all my love and sympathy to those who have been, or are being hurt by those they love:

from
It's Not Okay Anymore: Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, Taking Charge, and Loving Yourself by Greg Enns and Jan Black

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

The pattern of abuse is a downward spiral that goes round and round in a predictable way. It always takes you down, and, if you have children, it takes them down, too.

We call this cycle the "Cycle of Abuse." The cycle of abuse is pictured and described below and on the following page. People who have studied violence and abuse have found these stages to be common in abusive relationships. If you are being abused, your pattern may not exactly match the cycle of abuse, but for the most part, you probably fit into it:


ABUSE OCCURS

1. EXCUSES - My partner and/or I rationalize the abuse. (This is a common defense mechanism for victims.) S/he may tell me s/he didn't mean to do it or s/he couldn't help him/herself, that I've got to try harder to love him/her better and do what s/he wants, or that if I was just more perfect s/he wouldn't have to get so upset.

2. HONEYMOON - Things seem great. My partner and I apologize and make promises. I may get roses or a dinner out or new lingerie. We may have stars in our eyes and I may tell myself the abuse is over.

3. ROUTINE - We return to the routine of our lives, with its normal ups and downs.

4. TENSION - Tension is building. I can tell things are starting to upset my partner and I start "walking on eggshells" to avoid triggering abuse.

5. TRIGGER - Something sets off the abuser. I'm late getting home or I forget to fill the gas tank or the laundry isn't folded or I was too nice to the grocery clerk.

ABUSE OCCURS - It happens again. I move back into excuse-making and the cycle continues.

HOW DID I GET HERE?

More than one victim has sat in a heap on the floor in tears and asked the question "How did I get here?" The answers vary, but often victims share certain risk factors such as those listed below. Mark any that are true of you.

1. As a child growing up I was directly or indirectly exposed to violence or abuse.
2. When I think about my childhood, I feel sadness, disappointment, and/or despair.
3. I grew up in a home with parents who were addicts or alcoholics.
4. I have suffered from low self-esteem since childhood.
5. I tend to try to figure things out on my own because I don't like to bother people.
6. I focus on the positives in my life and have learned to ignore negatives, like abuse.
7. I have trouble making long-term commitments in my personal and professional relationships.
8. Since childhood, I have been deeply and painfully involved with people, causes, and compulsions that threaten my health and safety.
9. I have trouble making decisions that are good for me.
10. I married or left home to get away from a bad family situation.
11. I stay in a bad relationship because I am afraid to leave.
12. I don't feel like I have power or control to make good choices.
13. I dont' think I deserve anything better than what I have.
14. I have had no experience with abuse and was not familiar with the danger signs.

The answer to "How did I get here?" is important, but the more important question is "What shall I do now?"

WHAT SHALL I DO NOW?

Safety first! Before going any further in your effort to end abuse, we recommend you prepare the following "Get Safe Plan." It will organize your escape from abuse, should you need it. This is a favor you do for yourself and your children.

Please do not minimize your abuse or assume you do not need a Get Safe Plan if you are not sufering bodily harm. Domestic violence professionals know that a hit on the mind can carry the same punch as a hit in the face. Both leave lasting scars, and to be safe, both require a Get Safe Plan. It is a matter of hoping for the best but planning for the worst.

Depending on the nature of your abuse, your Get Safe Plan may be as complex as an escape to another state with a new identity or as simple as going to the next room and closing the door.

The Get Safe Plan is much like an escape plan you make in case of a fire. It describes precisely what to do when you see the "smoke" of tension building or the "fire" of an act of abuse. The paln can include trusted people in your life, and we suggest you give a completed copy of your plan to them. Their job is to support you and your efforts. Your job is to accept responsibility for your safety, work your plan, and love yourself.

EXAMPLES OF "SMOKE"
Tension-building signs that abuse may come.

Batterer's Behavior

Missing a counseling appointment
Irritability
Depression
Denial of behavior
Excuses for behavior
Accusations
Blaming others
Self-pity
Explaining or justifying
Dropping out of support groups or other activities
Breaking promises

Victim's Behavior

Missing a counseling appointment
Anger (repressed)
Fear
Knots in the stomach
Walking on eggshells
Over-responsible behavior
Covering up
Anxiety
Enabling
Feelings of guilt-shame
Minimizing crisis

EXAMPLES OF "FIRE"
Any act of abusive or violent behavior.

Comments

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

Because I've basically been told not to post this kind of stuff in my journal anymore because it's supposedly giving a twisted little person twisted little ideas

What the FUCK? That's one of the more bizarre sentiments I've run across recently . . .

here is more

Ahhhhhh, and I see you knew just the right response.

thanks

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

It is regrettable that some people use resources meant to help people as ways to create drama, but that's not my fault or my problem.