What Do You Owe Yourself?
Jan. 23rd, 2005 12:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileFrom You Can Be Free: An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women by Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Davidson:
(language has been gender-neutralized as much as possible)
What Do You Owe Yourself?
The person who abuses you acts as if you had no rights. So you're probably afraid to act as if you do. By now, you may not even feel that you have any rights. But you do.
ARE YOU SOMEBODY BESIDES SPOUSE, PARENT, OR LOVER?
Many people can't tell where the family leaves off and they begin. They feel they're just a part of your chldren or their spouses. They forget that they have a separate identity.
Try to answer these questions:
1. What do I want?
2. What do I want to do now?
3. What do I like to do?
4. Whom do I like to spend time with?
5. What do I like to wear?
6. Where do I like to go?
7. Where would I like to live?
8. What do I want to be doing in five years?
9. What do I want to be doing in ten years? Twenty years?
How many of your answers were something like this:
"I want to live here because moving would mean changing the kids schools."
"S/he likes me to wear..."
"I don't much care--I'm easy to please."
"My spouse wouldn't hear of it."
"It costs too much."
If your answers were like that, they don't say what you want. They are about what other people want. Or they say what you think can't happen, rather than what you want.
Try answering again. This time, don't think about how other family members would be affected. This doesn't mean you don't care about them. It simply means that you deserve some things you want. It means that you count for something. You are a person too.
MIND-READING
We are taught to think of the needs of others. Some of us are taught not to express emotion. That's why a person may depend on their partner to guess what s/he's feeling. Is s/he depressed? Frightened? Lonely? Does s/he want comfort? Even if the abuser hasn't asked, the abused person is supposed to give it.
An abused person tries hard to read the abuser's mind. The abused person's health and safety may depend on it. If the abused person is not tuned in to what the abuser wants, the abuser may explode.
However, some violent people explode even if their needs are met. You need to notice how far mind-reading goes in making you safe. You also need to ask yourself if it's worth the strain. Are you willing to go on walking on eggshells forever? Do you owe yourself a chance at something better?
WHAT IF IT'S REALLY MY FAULT?
"Maybe I brought it on myself."
"I started it last time, by nagging him."
"I'm a sloppy housekeeper."
"I'm cold in bed."
"Sometimes I hit her back."
"S/he puts up with a lot from me."
You're aware that you have faults, too. This makes you feel that you are responsible for the abuse. It may keep you from thinking of ending the relationship. Instead, you think: "If only I can change, s/he'll change too."
But what changes will really keep your lover from hitting you? Make a list of things you did that s/he says "caused" him/her to hit you. Maybe the house wasn't perfectly clean. Or dinner was late. Or you spent time with friends. Did you get hit every time you did those things? Only then? Were you hit sometimes for no reason at all?
Which of your "faults" do you want to correct? Do any of them give your partner the right to "discipline" you with a beating? Let's take as an example your spending time with friends.
Do you deserve to have friends? Friends can give you what you don't get at home. Friends will talk to you and listen to you. They show they care about you and like you. Every person deserves these things.
You may try to get along without the comfort you get from friends. But then you get lonely and depressed. So you take a chance and secretly meet your friend. If your lover finds out and beats you, does that mean you were wrong? Is it really a fault to want friends? Is it really something you want to change?
Does one adult have the right to punish another? No. That would mean that your lover has the authority to control you. And to use violence to do it. S/he does not have either of those rights. Whether or not you have faults is beside the point. You are not property or a child. In fact, the law now limits the rights of parents to punish children.
WHAT ARE YOUR RIGHTS?
It's likely that you've given up your rights little by little. Perhaps you didn't even notice what was happening. Freedom of speech--a basic right--is usually the first to go. An abused person stops talking about things that might upset the abuser. Here are some things you may have stopped talking about:
1. Past relationships. (S/he gets jealous)
2. Dreams of the future (S/he thinks you're complaining about how things are now.)
3. Questions about his work, what she's done, how he feels. (S/he accuses you of prying or nagging.)
4. Statements of your opinions. (S/he doesn't want to hear what you think. "You're stupid.")
5. Statements about feeling down--sad, lonely, or discouraged. (S/he doesn't want to hear your complaints.)
It may be hard for you to realize what your rights are. Here is a list of rights that everyone is entitled to.
LIST OF RIGHTS
1. The right to state opinions, including unpopular ones.
2. The right to express feelings, even if you feel down.
3. The right to privacy.
4. The right to choose religion and lifestyle.
5. The right to be free of fear.
6. The right to have some time for yourself.
7. The right to spend some money as you please.
8. The right to paid employment, at fair wages.
9. The right to choose your friends.
10. The right to emotional support from your family and friends.
11. The right to be listened to by family and friends.
12. The right to decide whether to have sex or not.
Draw a line under each of the rights you think everyone deserves. Next, circle the rights that you have now. Is there a difference between your rights and those of others? Ask yourself if that means that you aren't a person. Or does it mean that spouses don't have rights? That lovers don't have rights? That parents don't, until the children are grown?
For many, it's hardest to believe they have rights to time and money. Let's look briefly at those two:
Money
Perhaps there's not enough money, even to pay basic bills. Still, some money is always spent on things you don't have to have. Does the grocery bag contain candy, pop, beer, cigarettes? If so, someone has already made some decisions about what is "needed."
It's hard to decide how family money should be spent. But both adults should decide. Compromises can be worked out. Each person should have something to spend, no questions asked. The amount may be small. But it's hers or his to spend.
If you're sneaking money, you're acting as if you don't have rights. You're acting like someone who isn't allowed to make their own decisions.
Time
Each of you should have some time to spend as you please. It should be at least one-half day, and one evening a week.
You may not know what to do with your time, at first. Take it, anyway. Go to a movie that your partner doesn't want to see. Walk in the park, take a class. Doing what you choose will help you begin to build your own identity.
CLAIMING YOUR RIGHTS
Look at the List of Rights. Decide which rights you want to begin claiming. Is it safe to discuss them with your partner? You could start with agreements about time and money. Will s/he keep to his/her side of the bargain?
If the answers are no, you owe it to yourself to consider leaving.
You have rights, like anyone else. But you have to believe in them, yourself. That's the first step in gettng them.
(language has been gender-neutralized as much as possible)
What Do You Owe Yourself?
The person who abuses you acts as if you had no rights. So you're probably afraid to act as if you do. By now, you may not even feel that you have any rights. But you do.
Many people can't tell where the family leaves off and they begin. They feel they're just a part of your chldren or their spouses. They forget that they have a separate identity.
Try to answer these questions:
1. What do I want?
2. What do I want to do now?
3. What do I like to do?
4. Whom do I like to spend time with?
5. What do I like to wear?
6. Where do I like to go?
7. Where would I like to live?
8. What do I want to be doing in five years?
9. What do I want to be doing in ten years? Twenty years?
How many of your answers were something like this:
"I want to live here because moving would mean changing the kids schools."
"S/he likes me to wear..."
"I don't much care--I'm easy to please."
"My spouse wouldn't hear of it."
"It costs too much."
If your answers were like that, they don't say what you want. They are about what other people want. Or they say what you think can't happen, rather than what you want.
Try answering again. This time, don't think about how other family members would be affected. This doesn't mean you don't care about them. It simply means that you deserve some things you want. It means that you count for something. You are a person too.
We are taught to think of the needs of others. Some of us are taught not to express emotion. That's why a person may depend on their partner to guess what s/he's feeling. Is s/he depressed? Frightened? Lonely? Does s/he want comfort? Even if the abuser hasn't asked, the abused person is supposed to give it.
An abused person tries hard to read the abuser's mind. The abused person's health and safety may depend on it. If the abused person is not tuned in to what the abuser wants, the abuser may explode.
However, some violent people explode even if their needs are met. You need to notice how far mind-reading goes in making you safe. You also need to ask yourself if it's worth the strain. Are you willing to go on walking on eggshells forever? Do you owe yourself a chance at something better?
"Maybe I brought it on myself."
"I started it last time, by nagging him."
"I'm a sloppy housekeeper."
"I'm cold in bed."
"Sometimes I hit her back."
"S/he puts up with a lot from me."
You're aware that you have faults, too. This makes you feel that you are responsible for the abuse. It may keep you from thinking of ending the relationship. Instead, you think: "If only I can change, s/he'll change too."
But what changes will really keep your lover from hitting you? Make a list of things you did that s/he says "caused" him/her to hit you. Maybe the house wasn't perfectly clean. Or dinner was late. Or you spent time with friends. Did you get hit every time you did those things? Only then? Were you hit sometimes for no reason at all?
Which of your "faults" do you want to correct? Do any of them give your partner the right to "discipline" you with a beating? Let's take as an example your spending time with friends.
Do you deserve to have friends? Friends can give you what you don't get at home. Friends will talk to you and listen to you. They show they care about you and like you. Every person deserves these things.
You may try to get along without the comfort you get from friends. But then you get lonely and depressed. So you take a chance and secretly meet your friend. If your lover finds out and beats you, does that mean you were wrong? Is it really a fault to want friends? Is it really something you want to change?
Does one adult have the right to punish another? No. That would mean that your lover has the authority to control you. And to use violence to do it. S/he does not have either of those rights. Whether or not you have faults is beside the point. You are not property or a child. In fact, the law now limits the rights of parents to punish children.
It's likely that you've given up your rights little by little. Perhaps you didn't even notice what was happening. Freedom of speech--a basic right--is usually the first to go. An abused person stops talking about things that might upset the abuser. Here are some things you may have stopped talking about:
1. Past relationships. (S/he gets jealous)
2. Dreams of the future (S/he thinks you're complaining about how things are now.)
3. Questions about his work, what she's done, how he feels. (S/he accuses you of prying or nagging.)
4. Statements of your opinions. (S/he doesn't want to hear what you think. "You're stupid.")
5. Statements about feeling down--sad, lonely, or discouraged. (S/he doesn't want to hear your complaints.)
It may be hard for you to realize what your rights are. Here is a list of rights that everyone is entitled to.
1. The right to state opinions, including unpopular ones.
2. The right to express feelings, even if you feel down.
3. The right to privacy.
4. The right to choose religion and lifestyle.
5. The right to be free of fear.
6. The right to have some time for yourself.
7. The right to spend some money as you please.
8. The right to paid employment, at fair wages.
9. The right to choose your friends.
10. The right to emotional support from your family and friends.
11. The right to be listened to by family and friends.
12. The right to decide whether to have sex or not.
Draw a line under each of the rights you think everyone deserves. Next, circle the rights that you have now. Is there a difference between your rights and those of others? Ask yourself if that means that you aren't a person. Or does it mean that spouses don't have rights? That lovers don't have rights? That parents don't, until the children are grown?
For many, it's hardest to believe they have rights to time and money. Let's look briefly at those two:
Money
Perhaps there's not enough money, even to pay basic bills. Still, some money is always spent on things you don't have to have. Does the grocery bag contain candy, pop, beer, cigarettes? If so, someone has already made some decisions about what is "needed."
It's hard to decide how family money should be spent. But both adults should decide. Compromises can be worked out. Each person should have something to spend, no questions asked. The amount may be small. But it's hers or his to spend.
If you're sneaking money, you're acting as if you don't have rights. You're acting like someone who isn't allowed to make their own decisions.
Time
Each of you should have some time to spend as you please. It should be at least one-half day, and one evening a week.
You may not know what to do with your time, at first. Take it, anyway. Go to a movie that your partner doesn't want to see. Walk in the park, take a class. Doing what you choose will help you begin to build your own identity.
Look at the List of Rights. Decide which rights you want to begin claiming. Is it safe to discuss them with your partner? You could start with agreements about time and money. Will s/he keep to his/her side of the bargain?
If the answers are no, you owe it to yourself to consider leaving.
You have rights, like anyone else. But you have to believe in them, yourself. That's the first step in gettng them.
