2740sad & angry with myself

[evile]

Dec. 20, 2004

 

 

went to craft night at Maggiemaepisces'. It was M, Niki, Me, Kulilinei & Kai,
Terriblelynne, and eventually Onyxlynxx showed up with her friend Chuck.

When I first got there, M's husband Matt was there and asked me
questions about the VAX. No clue, man! That was a little off-putting.

I was loud, obnoxious, abrasive, interrupted, negative, gossipy, and
just plain nasty. I hated myself...but did not realize how awful I
was being until I was back in the car, getting ready to go home.

It does no good to intellectualize about things unless the
understanding creates control over behavior. I must quit acting like
that around these people, or I must stop spending time with them.

Terriblelyne is going to tea with me tomorrow. That ought to be nice. I hope.

Nikiyoy shared one of her earlier impressions/meetings with me: when I
went to the Vagina Monologues with Stephanie and apparently I'd
brought cookies. Niki interpreted it as me being goody goody and
kissing up (she did not specify to whom)

It made me sad. And then I shared my feeling that I'm not
interesting or special enough all by myself so I have to bring stuff,
and everyone said 'no no' and disagreed with me. Well and good, but
that's how I feel and I can't really change that very easily. It's
just polite to bring stuff, I think. Though, to a play...that was
kinda wierd. Hopefully I won't pull too much more wierd shit like
that.

*sigh* shrug....I just need to quit spending time with them, or
anyone. I don't know how to behave and I don't deserve to have
friends.