2743 Re: E & A on the skids again

[evile]

 

• Dec. 22, 2004

   

  
  I can't be in a poly relationship when I don't have a healthy
  relationship with my wife.
  
  --TRUE.
  
  
  Last night I made her cry for six hours, and I yelled at her,
  attacked her when she cried.
  
  --she cried for six hours. It was her choice. "attack" in A-
  speak means you DISAGREED with her. You probably should have walked
  away when you realized she was not going to have rational discussion,
  but, no you did not 'make' her do anything. And she could have walked
  away, as well, rather than stay while you 'yelled'.
  
  I made up things to be mad at her about, and yelled them at her as if
  they were true.
  
  --Doubtful. You confronted her with the truth as you perceived it.
  Your feelings are never 'false' but may be based on false
  information. It is up to you and the other person in a
  discussion/debate/argument to determine the facts of the matter. You
  can't help it if you feel mad, you can choose your behavior as a
  result of facts + feelings.
  
  I looked her straight in the eye and told her another woman was sexier
  than she was.
  
  --and guess what? Plenty of women are sexier than she is. No woman
  wants to hear this, but I doubt you said it, or said it in that way,
  so feh.
  
  ---I didn't apologize, I didn't reassure her, I didn't
  comfort her, I didn't hold her and try to make it better.
  
  Why should you apologize for a purely subjective perception? You
  could certainly have said "I'm sorry it hurt your feelings that I
  said ___ was sexy." You could have assured her that she was still
  your #1 gal, because of her many good qualities other than the sexy,
  but you have every right to find people sexy other than her. Feelings
  are never wrong. Behavior can be.
  
  I yelled at her.
  
  --I'd bet she yelled at you first.
  
  She loves me, completely, wholeheatedly, passionately, and this is
  how I've rewarded her.
  
  --Please demonstrate HOW exactly she demonstrates this
  alleged 'love'. Is it when she yells at you for going on dates? Is it
  when she calls you while you're at my house doing something for the
  horses, and makes you drive over an hour home to do dishes? Is it
  when she berates you for being 'stupid' in front of your friends and
  family? Is it when she holds grudges against you for making honest
  mistakes and blames you for her own poor behavior and the
  consequences thereof? Please enlighten me, because I don't see the
  'love' you refer to.
  
  I've broken every promise I ever made to her,
  
  --And she has broken promises to you, as well. Such is human nature.
  
  especially and finally the promise I made never to do this to her
  again. Again.
  
  --And guess what, she has also made promises re: how she treats you,
  and broken them.
  
  I've treated her this way for thirteen years.
  
  --bullcrap. It's intermittent, if at all. No relationship is perfect
  because no human is perfect.
  
  I've neglected her, lied to her, cheated on her, abandoned her,
  betrayed her, ignored her, abused her.
  
  --and she has done the same to you.
  
  Told her she was fat.
  
  --she IS fat. DUH!
  
  Made her feel ugly and unwanted. Beaten her. Put my hands around her
  throat.
  
  --and she's chased you with a bladed weapon, by her own admission.
  She has slapped you, punched you, hit you with objects, and allegedly
  locked you in a cage. Did you deserve any of that?
  
  
  Forced her to get an abortion, threatened to leave her if she
  didn't. Forced her to kill our child.
  
  --Also bullshit. I remember when this happened, and it was a
  pregnancy that her body could not carry to term due to her fibroids.
  She could get a D&C or bleed to death. There was not a possibility of
  a 'child'. And SHE AND YOU have allegedly both promised not to hurt
  each other with the 'abortion' anymore, and here it is again coming
  up in conversation. Broken promises!
  
  And done this again, and again.
  
  --you are not good for each other, you feed on each others weaknesses
  and hurt each other.
  
  I'll get better for a while, then do it again.
  
  --she also tends to get better for a while and then lapse back into
  unpleasant behavior patterns.
  
  I don't treat her, my wife, my partner, my happiness, the center of
  my life, the only woman who has loved me unreservedly, the woman I
  claim to love, as though I love her.
  
  --just because you don't love her the way she wants, does not mean
  you don't love her. And, guess what, I love you unreservedly, and so
  do a lot of other people. We just don't fuck you.
  
  I treat every other woman in my life better than I've treated her.
  
  --examples, please?
  
  I give other women parts of myself I've never given to her.
  
  --like what?
  
  
  S--e has always been completely honest and open with me.
  
  --I doubt it. She is not even honest with herself at times, so how
  could she be 100% honest and open for anyone else?
  
  
  She never stopped loving me, not for somebody else, not even
  after all I've done to her unyil last night.
  
  --are you sure you aren't mistaking 'love' and 'need'?
  
  I've proven repeatedly that I can't.
  
  --AGain, just because you don't love her the way she wants, does not
  mean you don't love her with everything you have. If you can't fit
  into the mold she wants, then it's time to walk away.
  
  I never accepted from her the love that she tried to give me, the
  parts of herself she wanted to share with me.
  
  --I doubt it. Please provide examples.
  
  I've thrown away the most beautiful woman I've ever known, who only
  wanted to make me happy.
  
  --she wants to make herself happy, and you are one of her 'resources'
  to do so. If you were happy being a resource and doing what she
  wanted, then she was happy, too. But heaven forbid that you ever want
  something she didn't.
  
  
  So no, in a nutshell, I'm not poly. I can't be poly.
  
  --there is nothing wrong with not being poly. and by 'can't' I think
  you are actually saying that under the rules that are ever-changing
  and incompletely thought out, you are unable to. You don't have a
  level playing field, of course you can't win.