evile

Aug. 26, 2002

So, I've been a little off kilter today. Something got into my
bubble. (http://pozlife.diaryland.com/index.html) Poz's latest
experience with being a decent human being and having it blow up in
his face.

Maybe this is why I don't hang out with anyone much anymore

Because every human interaction seems to push me either toward being
this uncaring, soulless bitch, or toward being this martyr victim
bleeding heart.

And I can't find a balance.

I am a giver. I don't think I'd change that if I could. When you have
a problem, come to me, I'll listen, I'll give advice, I'll help you
out. Car breaks down in the middle of BFE? I'll come get ya. Out of
cash and can't buy groceries? Yeah, I'll feed you. Even if I'm out of
cash myself, I'll put it on the plastic for you, because I love you
and that's what you do for people you love.

martyr martyr martyr. victim victim victim. so holy, so perfect, so
sweet. Let me just open another vein for you...

And it's a bad habit, this giving selflessly. Because eventually,
instead of being grateful and trying to do something good for you
next time 'round, everyone just expects it and takes it for granted.
In the meantime, something cold inside you has grown a spine and you
don't want to play doormat anymore.

So how do you redefine your friendships without losing them? The
takers, who are lovely people, smart and fun, with their grandiose
proclamations of what a wonderful person you are, and big loud hugs &
kisses to show how much they love you?

How do you say "Make time for me in your life" how do you say "Give
me something for a change, do something nice for me for once"?

Well...you can't. Because if you have been the giver for years and
years and years, the taker will get all offended, how dare you ask
for something back, isn't my friendship and company (when I feel like
it) enough for you?

Damn you selfish E!

I am a giver. But I have wised up. I don't want to be used anymore.
I want something back. And I don't know how to get it without losing
what little I have been given.

How can I keep being a giver without allowing myself to be used? How
can I keep my basic open-hearted nature without being stomped on? Or
do I have to really become the selfish bitch that is my facade? I
don't much like her...but I have to protect myself.

How can I learn to give without taking away from myself? How can I
learn to say no without becoming hard-hearted?

I need to find a balance. And it seems I am only in balance when I am
alone.