261 The Dance of Deception

[evile]

 

• Jan. 22, 2002

   

  The Dance of Deception by Harriet Lerner List Price: $13.50 Pages:
  272 Format: Paperback ISBN: 0060924632 Publisher: HarperCollins
  http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060924632/thebookreport
  
  
  When The Dance of Deception was published, Lerner discovered that
  women were not eager to identify with the subject. "Well, I don't do
  deception" was a common resonse.
  
  We all "do deception", often with the intention to protect ourselves
  and the relationships we depend on. The Dance of Deception unravels
  the ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real--
  even to our own selves. We see how our relationships are affected by
  lying and faking, by silence and pretending, and by brave-- but
  misguided-- efforts to tell the truth.
  
  Truth-telling is at the heart of what is most central in women's
  lives. It is at the foundation of authenticity and creativity,
  intimacy and joy. Yet in the name of "honesty", we can bludgeon
  eachother. We can approach a difficult issue with such a poor sense
  of timing and tact, that we can actually shut down the lines of
  communication rather than widening the path of truth-telling.
  
  Sometimes Lerner's advice takes a surprising turn-- for example, when
  she asks us to engage in a bold act of pretending in order to
  discover something "more real"; or when she tells us not to parachute
  down on our family to bring up a "hot issue" without laying the
  necessary groundwork first.
  
  Whether the subject is affairs, family secrets, sexual faking, or the
  challenge of"being oneself", Lerner helps us to discover, speak, and
  live our own truths.
  top of the page
  
  
  1. Women are socialized to pretend, to settle, and to call our
  compromises "life." Our bodies are harder to fool. Discuss how the
  body may signal us when we are not living authentically or speaking
  truly. (Chapter 12)
  
  2. How do we distinguish between "privacy" and "secrecy"? When do
  claims to privacy hurt rather than protect the integrity of our
  relationships and our selves? (Chapter 4)
  
  3. All families have "hot issues" and secrets. Discuss the role of
  secrets and silence in your family. (Chapter 10)
  
  Use the case examples throughout the book to plan the best way to
  open up a difficult subject with a family member.
  
  Quotes for Discussion
  
  "From the moment we are first wrapped in a pink or blue blanket, we
  learn stories we can tell and whether there is an ear to hear them."
  (Page 82)
  
  "If we are not told the truth, we cannot trust the universe--
  including our internal universe of thoughts, feelings, and
  perceptions. (Page 82)
  
  "Children are the least empowered family members; as such, they can
  afford to take few risks, whether real or imagined, with adults on
  whom their very survival depends." (Page 97)
  
  "Most of us can count on our bodies, like the dreams of our
  unconscious, to at least try to keep us honest."