260 Monday, disquised as a Tuesday

[evile]

 

 

• Jan. 22, 2002

   

  Back to work. All my coworkers seem to be busy chatting. But heaven
  forbid that *i* slack off.
  
  Anyhoo.. e called around 10 on Sunday a.m. Not at all hung over.
  Either she is very healthy or she was faking some of her buzz last
  nite. I am betting for #2. Anyhoo...she said Fred, one of the hosts,
  had been disappointed that I left the party so early and he wanted to
  talk to me and why didn't e introduce us before, and he thought I
  was 'beautiful' bla bla. I didn't get any of that when I was actually
  there. I am so clueless when it comes to whether people are actually
  interested in talking with me or just pretending for the sake of
  politeness...so once again, I am grateful not to be single. What a
  mess.
  
  I've been having dreams/nightmares about fighting with Tom lately.
  They are all bad fights and all about the real problems I have with
  our life together, our relationship, his lacks...etc. But Whatever.
  There is no way to bring any of that stuff up in a constructive way,
  so may as well keep dreaming bad dreams. Sure it's a sick
  relationship...what relationship isn't?
  
  Humans weren't meant to live the way we do. We are tribal & non
  monogamous, hunter-gatherers....yet the family unit here in modern
  America (most of the world) is a pair bond and possibly offspring.
  We sit all day, mostly doing one thing again and again, instead of
  covering many miles every day in search of food, plants, and other
  necessities of life. No wonder people are so sick & society is so
  sick. We aren't living as we evolved to live.
  
  I may or may not go to skate nite. Since E said that their
  financial situaiton isn't good right now, the odds of uB showing up
  at playland are small. Makes me feel better. I've thought of throwing
  some of her old emails back at her and asking her to clarify her
  points....but why? What is the best possible outcome of such an
  action? Could she and I become friends? As in real friendship,
  spending time together, supporting one another emotionally, being
  there when the other needs us, comfortable with silences, and also
  with just letting the other person vent if they need to? Probably
  not. As far as I can tell, she is totally selfish and self centered
  and is only interested in relationships that will benefit her in some
  way. Not interested in giving, or being there for others, or in what
  she may have to offer another person. I am not a big taker, I am more
  of a giver, so I'd end up giving and she'd end up taking and it would
  be sick and wrong and drive out the possibilities of other
  friendships, because nobody I know likes her or wants to spend any
  time with her. So if I chose to try and develop a relationship with
  her, I'd have to shut out other people, at least during the durations
  of time I spent with her.
  
  So....it's not worth my time & trouble. There are no real gains to be
  made in trying to cultivate a real relationship with her. Sad, but
  true. I can only give so much to a relationship before it becomes
  sick, unhealthy for me to continue. And if my choices are a few
  shallow impersonal relationships (e, Kathleen, X, Kate, ren
  friends, etc.) or one intense sick relationship (UB)....it is
  healthier to have more friends and more possibilities for possibly
  deepening those shallow friendships, than to focus my energy on
  something that will ultimately prove harmful to me in so many ways. I
  guess the temptation is there because I can see that UB needs
  friends, she needs socialization, she is lonely and bitter and hurt
  and sad...and I feel like I could help her. The other people I know
  don't need help. They don't need me. There is a big draw in being
  needed.
  
  Anyhoooooo.....
  
  I got a little spot dug up for my tomatoes & peppers in the back
  yard. I hope they do better this year than they did last year. I
  think having soil prepared & whatnot will be good for 'em. Instead of
  just throwing them in the ground and hoping for the best. Works for
  my mom, but not for me :)
  
  I steam cleaned part of the bedroom floor this weekend, that was
  good. It helped with the cat reek some.
  
  I did some dishes. Did some laundry. Put up Mardi Gras decorations.
  Didn't touch my work room. *sigh* it just gets worse & worse the
  longer I leave it. I need to just bite the bullet and DO it.
  
  This Friday, I'm going to dinner w/ e & then we're meeting her,
  Kathleen, and Sonya (pat's wife) for Dark Goddess at the Vortex. I
  need to try & get a reservation for us 4 beforehand, to ensure
  against the show being sold out & missing it. It should be fun. I
  hope. If not...what the hell. At least I tried to organize a little
  gal's evening out. Kathleen, of course, wanted to bring Jaime. I hope
  she caught the hint that it's GALS night out. Gah. Why are women like
  that???